Cadence ( Part 2 of Rhythm ) Completed*

Chp 14: Ratify

On the afternoon Mickey is coming to get him, Ian isn't as jittery as he thought he would be. He's been dreaming of going home, sleeping in his own bed and waking up to his family, since practically the first day. But he knows why he is in treatment and he isn't trying to buck the system.

Still, being away from home for 20 days is a small form of torture. His doctors threw numbers at him, statistics about length of hospital stay and percentages of success, and Ian's found himself landing right in the middle. He's feeling more stable than he has in weeks and he supposes that's partially due to the fact that he didn't let himself hit a complete rock bottom before seeking help. There was a blip and he slipped, but he didn't fight seeing it for what it was.

So, while he isn't as jittery as he thought he would be, he's still jittery.

"Nervous?" Dr. Pollack askes, eyes sweeping down to stare at the way Ian's wiggling his foot.

"A little," Ian sighs.

"About?" she prods.

"Fucking things up. I..." Ian runs his tongue along his teeth and gazes off into the corner of the room. "I don't wanna fuck things up, or slide back. I can't do that. So...there is a lot riding on me being able to hold it the fuck together."

His therapist nods her head. "Ian," she starts, her tone softening. "We've been through a lot in the years we've worked together. You've taken steps to managing and being responsible for your own health. You've become more in tune with how you work and the things going on in your head. You've built a business and sustained a relationship that - from my perspective - seems to be growing along with yourself. And most importantly, you've been honest with me about how you feel. At least, I trust that you are.

"Yeah," Ian confirms, shifting his gaze back to her.

"So, if I can speak frankly, I think that, yes, there is a lot of reason to hold things together, but no one is going to be keeping score here. You want to get better for yourself. For Mickey. For your kids. But no one is riding you to do that. It's not a race. And I see you working hard to keep yourself healthy - in all respects. I'm proud of you. Really and truly." She reaches out a hand and gives Ian's knee a squeeze.

Ian's eyes follow the motion. That is new. But when he looks back at his doctor's eyes, they are filled to the brim with the pride she was just speaking of. Dr. Pollack is right, they have worked together on a lot of things since they met her shortly after he and Mickey moved to Milwaukee. Making sure he had access to mental health care was pretty high on the list of things to establish after they moved so he had called around before the move. He's left a toxic situation, found ways to shed that damage and become the functioning and successful adult he now is. He and Mickey are solid . And he's a great dad. His therapist is proud of that growth and maybe Ian should be too. It's still hard though. He came from such twisted roots, making solving things by punching and screaming a knee-jerk reaction. It's one, he's learned, that cannot sustain itself if he wants to have a chance of thriving in this world.

"Ian," she says as a means to get his attention. "What are you thinking about?"

"That I'm never going to not hate being bipolar." Ian laces his fingers together and looks up at her. "I mean, no one likes it but how do I not fall into this pothole of self pity...or self loathing?" He tries out that choice of wording and isn't quite sure if that's what he means. "It sneaks up on me sometimes. Like, I'm doing fine but then that thought is in the back of my head nagging me. It comes out sometimes."

"It's because you're human, Ian. There is no time frame for when you should be done mourning the loss of a life where you didn't think you had to put so much effort into your mental health. But for the past two years, you've shown a lot of understanding. I mean, you're self aware. So, if you have a day when you're angry about the cards you have been dealt? Be angry. But don't let it define you. Process it and move through it. And," Dr. Pollack pauses to give Ian a pointed look, " do not hide things from Mickey because you think he can't handle that. We've seen what that does to both of you."