Cadence ( Part 2 of Rhythm ) Completed*

Chp 20: Redefine

Mickey feels like someone has hit pause on his life. After the intensity of things feeling rushed during Ava's birth, he's found himself in a holding pattern where minor parts of life are crawling at a snail's pace. Ian left late last night to sleep at home and spend the morning with Mikayla, but he's pretty certain he'll arrive soon.

He knows he is being released today - both a relief and something Mickey's dreading. He feels better than he thought he would. It's insane how much blood he could lose after having a kid and not die. But he supposes the circumstances are a hell of a lot different than getting shot.

His doctors are happy with his progress. Even Katie seems impressed; since she's seen him from both sides of this ordeal, she has more information to work with.

Right now, he doesn't want to think about much more than spending time with Ava. He knows he can come visit her anytime he wants, which is good, because he'll just set up camp next to her incubator. He's slept in less comfortable places in the past. But then there is the whole monkey wrench named Mikayla. He can't - would never - leave her for that long. He has to make the decision to split his time between them, which seems fucking unfair. It's the worst possible way to warm Mikayla up to having a little sister, but it's the cards he's been dealt.

They'll figure it out, he and Ian somehow always do.

Ignorance is a tactic Mickey's packed away a couple of years ago, but right now it's what helps him from getting overwhelmed. He wasn't kidding when he told Ian that hormones were fucking him up. They aren't messing around. After Mikayla was born, he suffered through more than the sugar coated "baby blues" but he got it under control. Now it feels more feral, and he's fairly certain that's because a lot of people have been telling him what he can and can't do. The logical part of his brain understands that. The "just give me my baby" part of his brain thinks logic is a foreign language. It's exhausting trying to navigate between both of them. Underneath, he's angry. He wants everyone to fuck off and let him do his own thing.

But underneath that is something more dangerous. It's fear and uncertainty. He doesn't know what the right thing to do is.

He guesses that no one actually knows that. Which is comforting but solves nothing

So, instead of dealing with those feelings, he puts a pin on it and does something he's more confident in. He goes to see Ava, and hopes maybe she can help him make sense of all this.

Ava, apparently, isn't a morning person. He arrives at the NICU to find a fussy little girl. A nurse is changing her diaper with ease, despite the racket she is making.

"Hey, baby girl," Mickey says loud enough to be heard over Ava's complaints.

The nurse turns to him, at first a look of recognition washing over her face and then one of relief. "I bet she'll be glad to see you," she says with a smile.

"She's difficult to get along with, huh?" Mickey interprets.

"No," the nurse answers, enough ambiguity in her tone to mask her true feelings. "She's definitely not the easiest patient we've had but nowhere near the most difficult." Finishing her task, the nurse redresses the baby and plugs the pacifier back into Ava's mouth. "Wanna go see your daddy?" She wraps her in a small blanket and offers her to Mickey. "She's gotta go under the lights again but you're good to hold her for a while. And then try to get her to drink a few ounces in an hour."

Mickey nods, and takes over holding Ava more eagerly than the nurse anticipated. "Got it, thanks." Though he knows it isn't exactly the case, it agitates Mickey that he feels like he has to ask for permission to parent his child. The nurse seems to understand because she isn't showing any indication of feeling rebuffed. "She have an okay night?"