Cadence ( Part 2 of Rhythm ) Completed*

Chp 23: Refine

Ian's pacing though he doesn't mean to, however, it's the only thing he can do with himself to expend the jittery energy building up. He can't exactly grab the kids and go for a run, but thinking about getting a double stroller in the near future isn't a terrible idea.

Mickey broke his heart, then infuriated him, then worried him beyond all comprehension.

It is, he realizes, not Mickey's fault...not entirely. The way Mickey's feeling, isn't Mickey's fault. The way he lashed out, Ian knows, isn't Mickey's fault. They are both operating on little sleep and Mickey's hormones are wreaking havoc; Ian knows that it's like having words fueled by toxic thoughts that your brain can't really filter out. Ian knows Mickey didn't mean any of those words, but that doesn't mean they don't sting. Ian's injured, but trying to use perspective to stitch the wound back together.

What Ian believes Mickey was in control of is leaving. He left. It would be hypocritical of Ian to actually hold onto the anger caused by Mickey walking out on him, Mikayla, and Ava. But he lets himself be angry for a moment. Just one. Then he lets it go because the more overwhelming feeling is worry and concern.

The man he loves is clearly not doing well and now he's out in the world floundering, without Ian to offer help and support when Mickey's ready to accept it. It's terrifying Ian because he's seen Mickey angry, he's seen Mickey in denial, but he's never seen Mickey look as fragmented as he did when he stormed out of their home. It's been years since things excelled in the way they did today, but somehow everything tumbled backwards in the blink of an eye and the progress they've made is shot to shit.

That, Ian knows, isn't Mickey's fault. It's not.

It's the situation. It's the fact that they carefully planned for Ava's arrival when it wasn't a definitive thing able to be planned in the first place. Having a baby comes with some absolutisms but a myriad of uncertainties and surprises.

Ava is everything he thought she would be and nothing he is familiar with navigating. She's perfect but she's a new piece to their family and the pains of growing their relationship while figuring out how they all fit together as a unit is a surprise they weren't ready for. It's unexpected and Ian's not sure why he thought it would be easier than it is. He was a bit naïve, perhaps, or maybe just excited.

Having Ava in the NICU for two weeks put a strain on them and he felt like precious time bonding with Ava was damaged. Ian knows, because doctors reassured him, that things will level out. The thing is, he wants that time. As things stand, things feel out of joint and like they can't get back on track after a rocky start.

On top of all of that, the weird part is that Ian feels good . Despite the stress, or maybe in spite of it, he's got this. He's multitasking and holding it together. It's a lot, but it's not too much. He's handling it better than Mickey is, but he noticed that from the very beginning. And while he knows Mickey was speaking out of his ass when he made it very clear that he had a baby, Ian also knows that Mickey has a point. He didn't physically give birth to a baby and have Ava completely take over his system. While Ian has gone through mental health trials and tribulations, gleaning the tools needed to handle that, he's flying practically blind in other areas of understanding. He's sympathetic, and as such, he felt like they were on the same page.

The thoughts spike something in him, making him doubt what he was sure was true. Should he be handling this worse? Why does he feel like he's holding it together? Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, he gives himself a figurative kick in the ass to remind him that he's not in a false state being in control. He's not ignorant to things and his brain isn't playing tricks on him. He feels this way because he knows he and Mickey can hold steady until the turbulence in their lives clears when they work together. Ian also reminds himself that, while they weren't able to prepare for the specificities of Ava's arrival and her colic, they've got a hell of a lot of other things in place. Plus a support group that's proving invaluable.