Our choice

|chapter 5|

Our Choice

We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have travelled land and sea. But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be.

✿

"Don't, please," I beg and feel my hands shaking.

Theo's eyes connect with mine and immediately, I'm aware of the tears in his eyes.

First, he looks at me, a bit confused. But that doesn't last long, because after a few seconds, his face gets blank. And I'm worried, worried for his reaction, worried about what he'll say to me. I expect him to take his hand back, I expect him to leave me here, alone. And I realise that he'd have the right to leave, because I messed this up, again. I messed this up by pushing him away, by not telling him anything about what's going on, by not telling him what I feel for him. I can't really judge him for leaving me, can I?

But instead of losing grip of my hand, he tightens it. He squeezes my hand, tangles his fingers with mine and positions himself on the couch again.

"Come here," he says and opens his arms for me. In less than three seconds, I feel a pair of arms hugging me tightly.

I burry my face into his shoulder, and let the tears stream down on his shirt. For a moment I think about the reason I told him to stop before, he has a girlfriend. But I push that thought away as fast as it came. Because this, this feels right.

"Don't hold your tears back Shai, let them come. I don't mind," he whispers and hugs me even more tightly.

I let out a sob, and soon, before I realise what's happening, I'm sobbing into his shoulder.

"I'm here. I'm here for you Shai," he coos when my body starts to shake.

"Sorry," I cry, "Theo, I'm sorry." I wrap my arms around his waist, tightly.

"Shhht, don't be sorry. It's alright," he whispers.

I pull back after a few minutes, to look in his eyes, "I am. I am sorry," I mumble. I bite my lip, telling myself to stop crying.

"For what Shai? There's nothing you could possibly be sorry for," he says and looks at me, protectively.

"For this," I cry out, "for messing up all of this." While I'm hysterically pointing around me, I feel a tear rolling out of my eye. "I messed up all of this, Theo! Why can't I for once do something right? Why does it always have to go wrong?"

He stops me by putting his hands on my shoulders, turning me so I face him, "Shai, calm down. It's okay, it's alright."

I lock my eyes with his, letting out heavy breaths.

I sigh, but I'm sure it sounds more like a storm coming out, because my lips start to tremble again.

"Hey," he whispers while swiping a tear away from my cheek, "You are everything but messed up, okay? You're a beautiful and strong woman, it'll get better I promise."

My heart melts and breaks at the same time, when I hear him saying this. His words are like winters, when you sit by the fireplace. They are warm, cozy and most of all, protective. But I wonder, would he still say them if he knew what I feel for him? Would he?

I don't think so.

I bite my lip again. "I'm sorry," I mumble and look down, ashamed.

I feel his hand moving to the place under my chin, and he lifts my head, making me look up at him. His lips form a small smile, "Let's make a deal," he starts, "let's promise each other to stop saying 'I am sorry'."