Our choice

|chapter 4|

Our Choice

I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don't dare to let out.

✿

"The meat is delicious," Theo says with a full mouth.

"Thanks," I say and appreciate the fact that he's trying to make the situation less awkward for both of us. Taking some mushrooms on my fork, I add, "I got the recipe from some cool hippie guy in Spain."

"Oh really? I didn't know you visited Spain," Theo says, showing interest.

"Yeah, I've been there a few times. It's quite fun, you should go sometime," I answer and nod excited.

"Meh, maybe. We're busy lately, with Insurgent promo and stuff," he says with a smile and takes a sip of his water.

I'm glad the conversation is going this way, it feels good, like it used to be. No awkward moments, just us. Theo and I, laughing, making jokes, having fun. I almost wish I didn't have feelings for him, that would make it so much easier.

I chuckle, "You don't have to do it Theo. I mean, if you'd rather stay home or g..."

"No, that's not what I meant," he interrupts me, "I'd love to go."

His eyes connect with mine and he smiles at me, and ofcourse, I look back. I feel my heartbeat going faster every second, like a drum, going faster every beat. My heart is probably beating faster than is good for me, but I like the feeling, it's nice.

Him staring at me makes me fall in love with him all over again, like he's the first person I ever fell in love with. Which isn't the case, I've been in love a few times before, some of them even were my boyfriends, but I've never felt like this. I've never felt unsure of myself with a boy. I never understood why girls wanted to look perfect. But God, I do now.

I drop my eyes to look at my plate, after realising that I've been staring at him for too long. And the fact that he's still looking at me, makes me blush.

"Well, I don't think it's fun to visit Spain on my own though," he winks. I think he notices my red cheeks, because he drops his eyes and a small smile appears on his face.

"You don't have to go alone, Theo," I say as an answer to his question. "You could take Ruth with you?"

I only say that because I feel like I have to. I have to accept the fact that Theo is getting married, that he'll never be mine. And it hurts, believe me, it hurts. It hurts to act like I'm happy for Ruth and him, because I'm not. And I feel terrible for that, he's my friend, I should be happy for him.

He almost chokes on his water, "Uhm no I don't think I'll do that," he coughs.

Which makes me give him a questioning look, "Why not?", I ask, frowning my eyebrows.

"I don't know. I mean, I'm happy for her, but that's it," he answers and shrugs.

"What are you talking about?", I want to ask him. "What do you mean with 'I'm happy for her'?"

But I don't, because I feel the awkward tension rising, filling up the room. Theo never wants to talk about what he feels, which I think isn't good for him, not really healthy. Cropping up everything that you feel, never talking with someone about it, that must feel terrible right? But then again, who am I to talk? Maybe he does all this talking to Ruth, his fiancé. I'm just Shai, the one he likes to hang out with. But still, why doesn't he want to go on a vacation with her? That doesn't make any sense right?