Our choice

|chapter 8|

Our Choice

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

✿

"Shai?," I hear someone calling at the end of the hallway. "Shai, is that you?"

Quickly, I swipe the tears of my cheeks and take deep breaths. I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but it has to be longer than twenty minutes.

"Shai?," I hear again, and this time I notice that it's a woman's voice.

Still taking deep breaths, I try to calm myself down as good as possible. When I push myself up against the wall, I see in the left corner of my eye a small woman running towards me.

"Shai!", she calls and it doesn't take me much longer to realise that it's Zoë Kravitz.

She and I are great friends. Not that I could say we know each other as good as Theo and I do. But I know she'll help me whenever I need her, and I will do the same for her.

She bumps into me, which wakes me up from my thoughts. "Shai," she whispers and protectively wraps her arms around me.

Immediately, I do the same. "Hi Zoë," I say and hug her back tightly.

"What's wrong?", she asks me when we both pull back. Zoë is looking into my puffy eyes and there's no way she didn't notice my wet cheeks.

"Nn...nothing," I stutter and give her my best fake smile.

"Shai, don't even try. Your eyes are red and puffy, I know you've been crying," she says with a serious tone in her voice. "And anyway, what are you doing outside of your apartment?", she asks while pointing to my front door.

"Let's go inside," I murmur and take her wrist.

-----

"You want some tea?", I ask Zoë with a louder voice than usual because I'm standing in the kitchen.

"Normal or Shai-style?", she calls back from the living room and it wouldn't surprise me if she had a smirk on her face.

Letting out a small giggle, I shake my head, Zoë always knows how to make me feel better. I start the boiler to boil some water for the tea and lay some of my self made cookies on a plate.

"Hey, I'm gonna use the bathroom for a second. I'll be right back," I tell her while setting the cookies on the table.

"Sure."

I give her a smile and make my way to the bathroom. In the hallway I come across one of my walls, the one filled with pictures. Pictures of my friends and me, of my parents, brother, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. But ofcourse my eyes need to notice that one single picture of Theo and me, the only one I truly adore. This photo was taken on the set of Divergent, almost nineteen months ago. Theo has his arm wrapped around my shoulder and I grip his waist with my hand. We're both smiling widely and it seems like nobody or nothing can ruin our happiness.

A smile finds its way toward my mouth and I bite my lip. If I can't have Theo himself here with me, I at least have a picture of him.

I stand there for a few more minutes, just watching the photo, reliving the moment in my head. But then walk to the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

I sigh when I stand before the mirror. My puffy eyes are better now and the red colour is almost gone. But everyone could see the flash of sadness in the eyes of the girl in the mirror, me.

Taking deep breaths, I think of the Shai I was two years ago. The Shailene who was confident about herself and her choices, she who didn't cry as easily as I do now, the girl who could go through the day without one single bad thought.

"Where are you?", I think, "Where did you go?"

I sigh once again and tell myself it doesn't matter. We live right here, right now. Not in the past, not in the future. I always find myself having trouble with that thought, it's difficult for me to not think of the past or the future.

My grandma once told me that I have to make my day as good as possible, no matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day, a new chance. When I have a rough day, I always remind myself of that. Especially now, since this week was not fun at all for me, I find myself thinking about what she said. Even though Theo was by my side for most of the time, it was still a hard week.

Tears well up in my eyes again, when thinking of Theo. I won't be able to see or talk to him in person for almost two months. He left like fifty minutes ago, and I already miss him, I'm already craving for his touch, craving to see his smile.

I fight away a thought that has been in my mind for quite some time, a thought I'd wish I could delete: Ruth.

I'm pretty sure Theo will see her, no matter what. He'll make time for her, because that's what boyfriends do. But do you think he will come over here to check if I am alright? Do you think he will make time for me? Do you think he will even miss me? He won't.

Because we're friends, just friends.

"Shai?" I hear a knock on the door. "You okay in there?"

Ignoring the question, I look up again, to watch my reflection in the mirror. A skinny woman watches me and tears threat to roll down her cheeks.

"Shai!", Zoë says and knocks again, harder this time.

My reflection brings her hand to her own face, swiping away some of the tears that escaped her eyes. But it's no surprise that it doesn't help, because her eyes are still filled with tears, still making her cheeks wet.

"Shai! Open the door please," Zoë says with a worried voice.

I don't know how or why, but I feel my legs getting weak, making me fall on my knees. The sound of my knees connecting with the floor echoes through the house, but I don't feel a thing, no pain. I also no longer see my reflection in the mirror. What I see is a bathroom floor, blurried because of the tears that formed in my eyes.

I hear the door slamming open behind me and a few seconds later Zoë stands right before me. "Shai, what happened?", she says as soft as possible, probably trying to calm me down. Bowing down, she positions herself next to me on the cold floor.

"I...", I start, but the sobbing gets worse so I don't finish the sentence I had in mind.

"Oh bud," she whispers while wrapping her arms around me, "it's alright, it's going to be okay."

I burry my face into her shoulder and let the sobs take over my body. Zoë pats my back and whispers things in my ear that calm me down a bit.

"Sssssht, it's alright Shai. I will personally kill the person who did this to you."

Ofcourse, I know she's kidding. She won't actually kill someone. But the thought of Zoë knowing what I feel for Theo frightens me, because I've had this secret for such a long time. I don't know if I'm able to tell someone, I don't know.

"You know what?", Zoë says and she pulls back, keeping her hands on my shoulders. "No matter what happens, you'll always have me by your side. You will always have a friend in me, I promise."

A smile appears on my face, and I'm sure it must look weird because I'm still sobbing. "Thanks Zoë," I whisper.

She pulls me back into a hug and whispers, "I'm not sure what this is, but I can tell you this one thing. We'll get through this, we'll get through this together. Because that's what friends do."

She keeps on talking, telling me everything you'd want to hear from your friend when you're feeling down. But my mind keeps repeating that one sentence she said:
'We'll get through this together.'

Guess where I heard that before?

AN: if this confuses you (^), it's what Theo said in chapter 2, when he visited Shai in her apartment :)

MY WATTPAD FINALLY WORKS AGAIN I'M SO HAPPY. <3