Our choice

|chapter 19|

Our Choice

I was never very rebellious. I never did things to rebel against society, or against my parents, but I did think I knew everything. I thought I knew it all and had it all figured out, and that was it. Then, one day, I woke up and realised I was a dot in this universe, and that quickly dissipated.
-Shailene Woodley

✿

How am I supposed to continue living my life as I used to do? How can I ever get past this when Theo told Ruth that none of this was real? Theo and I's relationship meant, and lets be honest, still means so much to me. I thought what we had was important for Theo too, that also he liked the way we trusted each other without questioning one another. But I guess it was just stupid of me to ever even think that, I should've been more careful than I was.

If you had asked me a month ago about Theo and I's friendship, I would've told you that we were soulmates, that we would always be friends. I wouldn't even have hesitated about giving you that answer. But now? I don't know, I honestly have no idea what to think about the dark haired man, named Theodore Peter James Kinnaird Taptiklis.

I thought future him and future me would still love each other. And right now it really doesn't matter to me in what way, friends or lovers, I honestly don't care as long as we'd be together.

But then something like this happens and I can't help but start to wonder what's wrong with me. How could I have been so blind all these years? If it's true what he told Ruth, that all of this was for those goddamn movies, wouldn't I have realised it? Wouldn't I have seen it at his way of acting around me? I'd like to think that I'm at least smart enough to realise when someone's lying to me, but apparently I'm not.

I thought I knew it all, that my future would be just as I imagined it, having Theo helping me when I go through rough days and hard times. But now that my hope in that is gone too, I don't know what I can or need to believe. While I was losing Theo, I lost parts of myself too.

A knock on the door makes me look up. White bedsheets are laying around me and when I open my eyes the sun shines directly in my face. "Wake up, Shai! Breakfast is ready!"

Before I know it, I have swung my legs out of bed and I'm quickly to grab a pair of leggings to cover my bare legs. "Coming!" I answer as I pull my hair into a messy bun. Taking a look at myself in the mirror, I decide that I look okay for today. It's not like I'm going out or anything anyways.

-----

"That's fast," a familiar voice says as I make my way towards the dining table.

"Well, a good morning to you too, Nahko," I let out a yawn but manage to smile at him. I sit down at the table and let my eyes follow Nahko when he puts some sugar in his coffee, standing in the kitchen.

As he continues making his coffee, and afterwards making mine, I think of how lucky I am to have a friend like Nahko. He was the first person I thought of when I wanted and needed to tell someone what happened between Theo and I. Not longer than an hour after that, he was knocking on the door of my apartment and offered me to stay over at his place. Which I gladly accepted since everything around me in that apartment made me think of Theo and the times we spent together there.

"Sugar?" Nahko asks me, waking me up from my thoughts. I only then realise that he's referring to the coffee and not to me.