Our choice

|chapter 1|

Our Choice

Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say, sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. At the same time I want to hug you, I want to wrap my hands around your neck. You're an asshole but I love you.

✿

I run upstairs and close the door of my apartment. Being sure I locked the door, I find myself sitting on my bed. And finally, after those awkward and hurting minutes beside Theo in the car, I let myself cry.

People always think I'm strong, that I don't cry. But why would they think that? Every human cries, and I sure do.

After a few minutes, I hear someone knocking on my door.

"Leave me alone. I don't care who this is. Leave me alone," I think to myself.

"Shai I know you're in there. Please open the door."

"Theo. Please no. Please not Theo."

"Leave me alone Theo, I was just going to take a shower," I call back and hope he doesn't notice my cracking voice.

"Lies, lies, lies. How many lies can we possibly tell each other?"

"Shai just open the door. I know you're crying, I'm not stupid," I hear on the other side of my door.

"I'm not crying Theo. Just go get some rest, it was a long day," I say as optimistic as possible.

Another lie. What kind of relationship do we have? What are we to each other? Whatever we are, we aren't supposed to lie this much.

"Keep telling yourself that Shailene. I'm coming in, I have a key. Either you're opening this door right now or I'm opening it myself," Theo says.

'Shailene', he never calls me Shailene. It's always been Shai, almost three years it's been Shai for him.

I feel the tears burning in my eyes again, and try to wipe them away. Standing up, I decide to let him in.

"Shailene, no excuses anymore. I'm coming in." Theo's voice is a bit muted because he's standing on the other side of the door, but I still hear that he's losing his temper.

"Theo no, I'm--," I say and hear the crack in my voice.

"I'm coming, I'm going to open the door for you," is what I want to say, but he doesn't let me finish my sentence. He slams the door open.

Before I can register what's happening, Theo stands right before me. "Shailene, what's wrong? What happ--," Theo starts but he doesn't finish. He pulls me into a hug, wrapping his strong, muscled arms around me.

I let out a sob, tears running down my cheeks. Burying my face in his neck, I feel his t-shirt getting wet by my tears.

"Shailene," he starts and I hear him hesitating, "Shai, what's wrong?"

I pull back and rub my hands in my eyes. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this," I whisper and let out a sob.

"Please, Shai. It's alright, okay?" Theo says and places his hand on my shoulder. "You could never look horrible, not even if you tried to."

Feeling energetic sparks going through my body because of his touch and the nice words he just said, I try out a smile.

"Stop Shai. Stop. You should be mad at him, don't let him do this to you," I mentally slap myself.

I let out a little cough and take a small step back, which makes his hand fall from my shoulder.

Theo looks at me, hurtful. With his eyes he asks me, "What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?"

But I don't say anything.

Minutes of silence pass, neither of us saying a word. Eventually, my eyes drop to the floor.

"What's happening?," screams a voice in my head, "He's your best friend, this shouldn't be awkward!"

Theo coughs, "Uhm yeah, I'll better go."

I tilt my head, seeing him walking to the door I say, "No Theo. Please stay."

He turns around and shrugs, "It's okay Shai. I shouldn't have done this. I should've respected your privacy."

A part of me agrees with him, a part of me thinks he's right. He shouldn't have opened my door without my permission, but he did. And I'm glad he did.

I shake my head and walk over to where he's standing, "Please Theo. Don't leave." I feel my eyes filling themselves with tears again.

Theo shrugs again, "What Shailene? What do you want me to do?", I see a spark of anger in his eyes.

I drop my eyes to the ground and murmur, "Nothing, it's nothing."

"Oh my gosh, Shailene. Nothing? Nothing?! I know it's not nothing," he half shouts, "First you run out of my car, half crying. When I come after you, you don't let me inside and after I manage to come into your apartment you hug me? You cry on my shoulder and then out of sudden you push me back? What the hell is wrong with you?"

I jump a little because of his outburst. But I find the strength -I don't know where or how- but I find the strength to yell back.

I feel the tears burning in my eyes, "There's nothing wrong with me Theo. I'm just a normal woman. Every person I know would get hurt when the man she's in love with tells her he's engaged. That he's getting married. Don't you dare to tell me there's something wrong with me."

He blinks and the expression on his face changes immediately.

I cover my face with my hands as soon as I realise what I just told him. I'm not able to hold back a sob. "Please just leave Theo," I whisper. I told him my deepest secret. The secret I've been able to hold back for almost three years.

AN: first chapter yay! I hope you'll enjoy this fanfiction, I'll do my very best to write it whie :) Please comment your thoughts, thank you!