Back To You [Completed] ✔

10. If I was not scared of losing the people I love

After completing the rotation twice, the wheel finally sat stationary and our cabin was on top ...from where we could see the entire carnival, the view was adorable and captivating, all those lights and cheerful noises radiated happiness.  A slight breeze swayed around ...touching our skin as I gaped around...both Ed's and mine eyes' came resting on each other, his green eyes twinkled as the lights reflected in them.

If there is any possibility ...ever...that I would kiss him...we could kiss....please god!! Let this moment be it.

'Ed"  "Since when do you smoke?"

"Long time"

"Long time?"  "But...in high school, you used to believe smoking is an awful thing one can do to themselves"

"a lot of my beliefs were crushed back in high school," he said with a half-smile.

Yeah, I know. I was the one who crushed one of them 'People don't give up on people they love'

"I started in high school"

"What?"   "no, you didn't"   "How come I didn't know?"

"you didn't know a lot of things" his expression closed up with blank eyes and he moved his gaze to the view.

I thought that was the only answer I was gonna get and started wondering what the things that I didn't know and what led to him being so messed up ...other than what happened between us.

"remember ?...my dad and mom were having some problems while you were with me...they were still fighting at the time when you broke up with me, so basically all the people I cared about were hurting....and it was hurting me...it felt like everything was slipping away. So I started this awful thing, smoking!....to release stress" he added sarcastically.

He was right, I didn't know a lot of things and he evidently did a good job of not letting me know. His being so obsessed with me eliminated any possibility that his pain might be associated with any other reason than our break up.

"you know why I was so obsessed with you...getting back with me?" Because the two women whom I loved, respected, and believed that they do the right thing ...were walking out of my life and...they were being cowardly about their relationship." I could feel him gritting his teeth as he said the last line.

"I.."

"you and my mom..were running...escaping from their relationship, well obviously I couldn't convince my mom ..that was my father's place to do so but he didn't ...I was so angry at him ...he said he loves her but he was not trying, not stopping her. So I decided 'no! I wouldn't do that. I would not sit ideal while you walk away from me ' control you, beg you, or become your dog whatever it takes, I will get you back and show my parents that this is how it's done.

I.. I did love you but ...yes...it was not working between us....and I  would've easily accepted that fact and broken up with you and would've never forced you ...if I was not scared of losing the people I love...if I was not going through all that. "

"Ed...I...Why didn't you tell me?"

"You broke up with me and couldn't stand me remember?" he taunted. The relaxed tone bespoke that he was over all this but for me, it was a lot new to take in.  "my mom said that she and my dad were not compatible anymore and she had to leave. I was so angry at her...like compatibility? You guys love each other ...adjust, compromise don't throw it all away.... I thought 'You're throwing away the chance of a happy family. Fine. I don't want you in my life anymore.' I began to hate her and I was ready to hate her all my life until ...you shoved those same lines at me 'we are not compatible'  and then it hit me. I then understood what it meant. Being in love or being in a relationship doesn't flourish when two people are not compatible. In fact you two start to hate each other when pushed. Just like you did" he forced a smile at me to lighten up.

"I didn't hate you"

"It was hard not to"

"I was just...frustrated with you pushing me"

"Exactly!" he made the point. "Well...thanks to you for knocking some sense into me. I understood Mom's perspective, called her, and apologized. And decided to not bother you, push you anymore....and it did make things better....even if they are not husband and wife anymore ....We are still a family. Moreover, they both found a person they are compatible with eventually."

Before I could say anything, the wheel started to move again and I didn't actually have anything to say...because a whole new chapter was added to a phase of my life. Every memory I had of Ed while our break up began to change its shape. I thought Ed was being naïve and stubborn about a simple rejection... about me dumping him and our relationship while in reality, he was going through a loss...loss of a healthy happy family...loss of the girl he loves and was doing everything in his power to not lose at least one of them. He didn't want to lose me so he forced me...and I hated him for forcing me that eliminated the mere thought of giving us a second chance. Both of these things were connected and inevitable. We had a love story that was the victim of bad timing.

After knowing all this I felt the urge to go back in time and hold his hands...and say 'Whatever you're dealing with I'm with you...to share your pain.'

If only.