Changes of the Heart (FanFic)

Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33

    

The cool night air felt good on my face. We walked along the sidewalk. There was a movie there only a few shops down.

“There aren’t any good movies right now.” Ae Cha said. “We’ve missed the beginning of the only good ones they have tonight. We’d have to wait another 2 or 3 hours. You sure you wanna see a movie?”

I nodded. Yes, as long as it keeps us off of that subject.

“I think we should talk…” Ae Cha mumbled.

“I don’t want to talk!” I snapped.

Ji-hyun and Ae Cha stared at me and I slapped my hand over my mouth.

Then I looked down. “I know we need to sooner or later, but can’t it be later? Do we have to do this now?”

“The more you put it off, the harder it’ll get.”

I looked up at Ji-hyun. She had said that to be before… You can’t do that. The more you put it off, the harder it’ll get. It’s now or never, Sun-hi. Just do it. That was a very depressing thought. Did that mean I’d missed my chance? I’d put off the “now” too long and all I was left with was the “never”? If he loves you back and you never say anything? If he really is the right one for you? You’ll always regret it. Was this was that regret felt like? Always wondering and wishing about what could’ve—should’ve—been. I didn’t want it to get any harder than it already was… It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Everything will work out, you’ll see…. It’s do or die, girl. I looked up at Ae Cha, trying to keep my face from looking desperate.

“Ae Cha, I have to know something!” I blurted. “Do you like Jaejoong? You have to be honest with me!”

Ae Cha looked surprised.

Then she stared at me for a long time before answering. “I…didn’t mean to fall in love with him.”

“You love him?”

“I’m sorry, Sun-hi! I tried my best not to, but ever since he came by at my surprise birthday party that day… Don’t worry, he doesn’t know. He never will, I promise.”

I shook my head. “No…he needs to know… Ae Cha, I’ve seen it in his eyes. He loves you too, and he’s trying just as hard not to. And it’s all because of me. He wants to stay true and faithful and you want to be a good friend. But what neither of you realize is that I don’t love him!”

Ae Cha stared at me again. “What?”

I suddenly felt ashamed. How could I have done this to Jaejoong? “I made myself love him. When I thought I couldn’t have Changmin, I made myself move on. And everything about Jaejoong was so…mesmerizing. But what I felt for him never went beyond admiration or infatuation. I’ve been kidding myself until I really did fall in love with him, and now that I have, I realize that I’m not meant to. Jaejoong isn’t meant to be with me, he should be with you.”

Ae Cha shook her head. “No, Sun-hi, I don’t want to take that away from y—“

“You’re not; I’m giving it to you. I wasn’t meant to have it to begin with. I can’t keep the two of you apart selfishly like this. It’s not fair to either of you.”

“Sun-hi…”

“Look, I’ll admit, this is hard for me. I’ll admit that I do love him now. But I’ll also admit that the only reason I love him now, is because I was using him before. Using him to fill a void that he didn’t fit into. Using him to forget Changmin. Maybe even to make Changmin jealous. I don’t deserve him. I shouldn’t…”