CadyChaos (A Chilled Chaos Fanfiction)

Chapter 30 - Restless

Damn, thirty chapters. I just wanna say that I really enjoy writing this and I'm glad some of you guys like to read this. Also trigger warning: self harm, anorexia and depression mention.

Cady's POV

I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep.

Four nights, in a row, I've been waking up at like three am. I can't take that anymore. So I will shut sleep out.

It was 2 am and I was mindlessly scrolling through tumblr, when there was a knock at my door. I got up quickly, and walked to the door.

I opened it a little and peaked out, seeing Chilled standing in front of me.

I felt fear dash through me, then realized I wasn't dreaming. Nothing to fear, I hope.

"You're awake?" He asked.

"Yeah... So are you?" I replied.

"Yes. Can I come in?" He said again, slightly rushed.

"Oh. Uh, sure." I said and gestured for him to come in. He walked to my bed and sat down, and I walked over and did the same.

"How are you?" He asked after a long, slightly awkward silence.

"Fine. I guess." It hasn't been fine. I can't motherfucking sleep and I want to cut so much more.

"Really?" He didn't believe a word I said.

"Yes." I said, my throat feeling clogged. Like there was a baseball sized lump in it. Or basketball sized.

"I don't think so." He said to me again and he looked me straight in the eye. "I think you're not. I think you're feeling like shit and I want to help. You just have to let me."

So I told him my story. My depression story, not sugarcoating it this time. I told it all, the drinking, the puking, the hospital.

"Why don't you like relationships?" He asked once I finished my story.

"When I was sixteen, I had a boyfriend." I started, sighing. I can't believe I was telling someone this, Ainsley barely knows half of this story. "I loved him very much. I would've given him my life. But mine meant nothing to him. His name was Drew. Drew was very deceiving. He was tall, handsome, and he had the most perfect blue eyes. Every girl was head over heals in love with him. But not like me. Drew knew about my depression and he helped me out. But I was used.

"I was on the road to recovery with Drew. I was nearly there too. But he hurt me. He slept with other girls, a lot, and I knew. His friends told me. But I was blinded by him. He apologized and I forgave him. I loved him. But he didn't love me. He dumped me. He said I was just there for him and his friends to laugh at. That I was awful and gross and stupid and weak. He used me.

"I fell. Hard. I fell into a worse depression than ever, and that was the night of the drinking incident. My parents blamed my failed relationship. I guess it was true.

"My worst mistake though, was going back to him. Everyday I told him I loved him, and he would laugh. It was hell.

"He moved away when I turned seventeen and I wanted to follow. I couldn't. I spent those years doing what I did best. Crying myself to sleep and starving myself to death. I don't believe in love anymore. I can't trust it. I fall too fast, and crash too hard.

"Love is dead." I finished my story.

"It doesn't have to be." Chilled replied, and I looked over at him. He didn't look how I thought he would, scared or worried. He looked thoughtful. "You don't have to give up on it. Yeah that must have hurt but you have to be persistent. And I would love to help you."

So I kissed him. It was crazy, and stupid, and I loved it. I wanted to love him. And maybe I did, but at the moment, I don't know what love is.

"Damn." He whispered when I pulled away.

"Sorry." I said, blushing.

"Don't be." He said and he kissed me this time.

He pulled away. "We should get some sleep. It is nearly four am." I nodded and he walked to the door.

"I love you, Cady." He said, then turned and left.

I didn't sleep at all after that.

I hope you are enjoying my little fanfiction. It is really awesome writing this and sharing it. I love you guys. Also you are defiantly worth it. I care and love all of you. I want you to be happy and I always want to help. I don't want someone to feel how Cady does and did feel. You are worth more than that.