No Rules

Chapter 24

When Yeonjun thought everything was going to be okay, it was just a calm before a storm.

Beomgyu acted differently from what he used to before, he was energetic but he always had his "me time" at the end of the day. The members don't question what Beomgyu was doing. Yeonjun was also busy practicing for his runway. He was asked to be a model and people are hyping him up even more. The issue seems to subside, the team was also asked to do an ost for a Kdrama. The members are busier with promotions.

When everyone is busy, Beomgyu is also busy with his thoughts. His intrusive thoughts that he could harm himself. Soobin has been sleeping with Kai because he always forgot to unlock the door. That time he was having a nightmare, he saw shadows of strangers telling him bad words. He can't breathe and sometimes he is so scared to have such a nightmare he ends up having insomnia.

But he has a role to play on a stage, he works hard in practices, he even goofs around the members but at the end of the day, he felt empty. He seldom contacts his family, he's too tired to even pretend that he's okay in front of his family so he slowly distanced from them. With Yeonjun, although he promised he would tell everything, he saw how Yeonjun was tired from work; he assumed he was not in a disposition to listen to his dramas.

3 weeks before their concert, Beomgyu was so lost. They are on a variety show witth Soobin. He's good at variety shows but then the host said they'll be having a game. An I love you game where if someone laughed when told I love then they'll lose. Beomgyu tried his best to make Soobin laugh but he failed to do so.

This time, Soobin tried his best to make Beomgyu laugh but then he made his face close to him. Beomgyu froze, he heard a lot of shouting. His head was spinning, instead of happy shouting, he heard a lot of homophobic slurs and death threats. His hands are shaking and tears are attempting to escape his eyes.

"Beomgyu." Soobin said with concern as shakes Beomgyu's body.

The host notices Beomgyu's behavior and declared Beomgyu a winner and said that they'll be back after a quick commercial.

"Hey, Beomgyu. It's okay" Soobin was holding onto Beomgyu's hand tightly.

The voices inside Beomgyu's head were now gone, he looked at Soobin and apologized to them immediately. He said his head hurts. They had a short break and they ended the variety show smoothly.

Soobin talked to Beomgyu and he asked what really happened back then, he asked if it was related to any events that happened before. He apologized for making him uncomfortable. Beomgyu said that it wasn't his fault he's just lost lately.

They go back to their dorm, Beomgyu told Soobin not to mention what happened to other members, especially to Yeonjun. Soobin insisted on telling Yeonjun but Beomgyu begged him. The older boy can't say no with the desperation he sees in Beomgyu's eyes.

2 weeks before the concert...

They are practicing for more than 10 hours. The instructor told them that they can take a break for 30 minutes. The other members proceed to eat their snacks while Beomgyu went outside and told them that he's going to get some water. No one suspects that something will happen but then after 30 minutes Beomgyu was nowhere to be found.

They tried contacting his phone only to find that it's in the studio. The instructor said they can wait for 5 more minutes but then Beomgyu still wasn't there. Everyone was worried, especially Yeonjun. The staff looked for him in the building but still couldn't be seen. They contacted the staff that was in their dorm but he said no one was there. The other members said they will help look for him. Yeonjun doesn't have a clue where he is.

Trigger warning: suicidal attempt

Beomgyu POV

We've been practicing for the whole day now and I keep messing up. I went to the rooftop, to my safe place. No one will find me here. My head hurt even more. I can't stop crying, this is the first time that I was able to cry this hard. I'm having a panic attack. How can I stop this? I stood at the edge of the building. I was looking at the city lights, I heard the busy streets, the honking, and people's laughter.

What if I didn't do well at the concert? A lot is going through my mind, I give up. I think I'll never escape those traumatic events, even if I blocked my ears I can still hear them. Even if I fell asleep I can still see them in my dreams laughing at me maniacally. I laughed at the thought while crying. I balled one of my fist and pounded it on my chest.

"I'm too weak for this, I'm sorry." I can't see a single star nor the moon in the sky. It shows the shadow of my life. It hurts that I have to pretend that I'm okay every day.

" I miss my family but they'll know I'm not okay. I want to be gone." The cold wind blew on my face, I almost lost my balance. I laughed at the thought of it and wiped the tears in my eyes.

"What, is that a sign universe?!" I shouted. I was crying so hard when I heard the door open.

"Beomgyu please!" he heard the voice of someone who's the last person he expected to see him like this.