No Rules

Chapter 26

Beomgyu POV

What Yeonjun said lifted a little burden within me. From that moment when I heard how scared he was, and how much I meant to him, I believed in him. I trust him that healing will be the only answer. For a second I looked into his eyes. I just know what to say to make everything better.

"Let's break up."

He looked at me with a hurt and confused expression.

"What do you mean? Gyu, you know I love you. You love me right?" He immediately said.

"I love you." I said in a faint voice.

"But why?"

"When you said you were scared that you'll lose me, it hit me. The moment that I tried to harm myself, It meant that I was never scared to lose myself. That was the missing part of me, to love who I am."

"What does it have to do with us?" he asked calmly.

I said with my voice quavering "I can't love you wholeheartedly when I can't even love myself. I think I'm broken. I think that what we have will be meaningless if I keep lying to myself that I'm okay because I'm not. I love you but to what extent it will exhaust our relationship when I'm hurting you."

He holds my hands and leans his forehead on mine.

"Okay, I'll give you time, and when you're ready please go back."

"I promise." The snow started to fall, they said for the first the snow falls, you'll spend it with someone you love. I love him but I need to let go for healing.

I know that even outside that kind of relationship, we both know we love and care for each other. That is the only thing that won't change.

We went back inside, and we saw the other members, the security and our manager.

"The practice will be continued tomorrow, you can all go back to the dorm"

Everyone nodded and no one said a single word.

When we went back to the dorm, Soobin said that they don't have to say anything for now. He encourages everyone to sleep already.

The next day, the manager texted me that they will talk to me. I know what it would be about. What happened was scary, if I let myself be swallowed with those thoughts again I know it will all hurt the people I loved.

Beomgyu was hesitant to enter the room, he saw Yoongi passing by.

"Goodmorning, Hyung."

"Goodmorning, you're alone?"

I nodded.

"You look tired. You know, take it easy, everything will be better." He smiled and walked away.

It was just a simple words but it comforted me.

I went inside and I found Jin-hyung with our manager.

"Beomgyu, please sit down" I greeted them and sat on the chair.

"We heard a few from Yeonjun, but we want to hear it from you. Where should we start?"

"I'll tell you everything."

"It started when the #beomjuncancelled trended on Twitter, I indulged myself reading the hate comments. I also got homophobic slurs and death threats in my number, even in my post, and sometimes people would sneak in my Vlive to say hate comments. I didn't know that it was affecting my mental health, I'm traumatized by strangers calling me names. I can't bear it anymore. I developed insomnia, I was having nightmares and panic attacks. I pretended to be okay for a few months so that I won't affect the group. I tried to be the energizer but it comsumed me, we were so busy that I even distanced myself from my family. Then the pain and emptiness never went away, I found myself on the rooftop." I cried and cried until I said it.

"I want myself gone, if Yeonjun didn't find me at that time, I might not even be here in front of you."

I was crying again but even with my eyes blurred I can see that both Jin-hyung and our manager are also crying. They reached for the tissues and handed them to me.

"We didn't know Beomgyu, I'm sorry," our manager said.

"It's not your fault."

"Why didn't you tell us about the calls?"

"We were so busy that time, I don't want to make a big deal of it. I know the securities will be tighter and the members might be uncomfortable about it."

"But it's a must, Beomgyu, we could have protected you."

"I know you tried your best with the legal team, It helps."

"We were too late, it got into you."

It indeed got into me, even though the issue and the hate subsided, the memory was still there.

Beomgyu saw Jin-hyung was hesitant to say something, so I encouraged him that I'll be fine.

"Beomgyu, do you want a professional's help?"

"What do you mean?"

"Psychologist. I asked Soobin to observe you. He also told me what happened in the show."

"About that, I actually wanted to ask about your opinion if I could insert the sessions before our concert. I know we are busy but I'm willing to extend practices so I can keep up."

"Don't worry about that, we care about your mental health more than anything. We will keep everything confidential."

"Also, if you're having a hard time you know we are always here for you. Don't ever doubt yourself. I personally chose you to be on the debut team. There's only you, you know that."

"You can take a break, we prepared the company car to send you off to Daegu. Meeting your family will be a start."

That night, the members decided to spend the night together. We played games and then they placed the mats on the living room floor.

"Kai suggested that we should sleep together," Soobin said.

"You just want to sleep with Soobin." Taehyun teased.

The members are now settled in the order of me, Yeonjun, Soobin, Kai, and Taehyun. The light was dimmed and we were staring at the ceiling set up like the night sky by the projector.

"We are not dating anymore." Yeonjun said, his tone wasn't sad but more like a hopeful one.

"What?" Kai exclaimed.

"Yeah, and I have something to say."

"What is it?" Taehyun asked.

"I'll go back to Daegu tomorrow. I'll be staying there for like 3 days. When I go back I will be visiting a Psychologist."

"I'm not crazy!"

"No one said that," Yeonjun assured.

"About what happened for the past few months, I apologize if I ever made you worried. I'm sorry if my smiles were insincere. I tried my best to be okay."

"No one should apologize for that hyung, your feelings will always be valid." Taehyun said.

"We will be here for you hyung, you'll be better."

"Who wants ice cream?" Soobin asked.

"Seriously hyung?" Kai said.

I laughed, this is like the old-time, when we get sentimental we always do the silliest thing so we can get out of it.