Say you love me, please (Yeonbin fic)

<Chapter Seventeen: It just is>

What is Happiness ??

And why does everyone yearn for it.

Truth to be told , yeonjun had never been the one to be greedy for it. Most people want to be rich for them to be happy. But yeonjun? Yeonjun's not obsessed about the idea of wearing Gucci's everyday or going around with tons of Louis Vuitton bags. He's just content with having stable amount of cash, decent amount of clothes and enough food to feed himself. And maybe a small minimum apartment enough for him to live alone... Maybe?

It is just a general thought. It's not that Yeonjun doesn't see Soobin beside him in the future but rather that he doesn't allow himself to think about the future at all.

Soobin and him, they have never talked about the future. That's too deep of a conversation isn't it?? And deep conversations are not a normal occurrence between the two. They mostly talk about random things, mostly light stuffs. Since both of them never bothered to talk about serious matters or bring them up, they just left it at that. It's quite normal. Nothing to think about.

But one time, the couple did manage to talk about what they wanted to be- a pillow talk. Soobin said he wanted to work in an entertainment company as a producer and if that doesn't work out, his second choice was to fled into the soccer career. And what about yeonjun? It didn't seem to surprised soobin when he said he wanted to work in an art or a design related field . That's what he loves to do anyways. As simple as that.

So is drawing a happiness to Yeonjun???

Not really.

Sure, yeonjun loves to draw and he could even see himself 50 years later, slumped on an old desk , with a pen on the hold of his wrinkled fingers.

But drawing to Yeonjun is not a happiness, rather a food for his sanity, one of the basic needs. Nothing complicated.

Looking at this in a smaller scoop, as many teenagers would say , well happiness doesn't just resolve around bigger things . It can exist in small little things like maybe your favorite food???

So what's yeonjun's favorite food ??

He doesn't know. Maybe mint chocolate?? But he stopped eating that long ago.

Maybe yeonjun just in particular doesn't have favorite food at all. But it's not like he's a big eater. His appetite is small too. Savoring the flavor had never been the focus of eating, rather he only eat enough to supply his body with nutrients. It's already nice to not be starving on the streets right?

Another issue associated with food would be the fear of gaining weight. He's pretty much disgusted at the thought of excess glucose building up underneath his skin. Having a petite body is okay and therefore to only eat small portions of food is okay. And in cases when yeonjun ended up eating more than he's supposed to, he stressed enough to starve himself later. Eating is not a luxury. The plan was to stay slim, to be able to wear his favorite clothes, to be able to look pretty. To look pretty means to be loved more by people right??

Yeonjun may have nothing but a pretty privilege could be useful to have something right? Even soobin dated him because he looked pretty decent and presentable right? That's how the society works. Nothing to be bitter about.

And Soobin? Yeonjun wouldn't describe soobin as his happiness too. He's more of a necessity. The peace to the noises. He serves as both the calm and the storm to the dullness life. Perfectly imperfect. Maybe yeonjun likes it that way. He's a necessity and yeonjun just need him beside- his presence, love is not needed.

"ow ow" Yeonjun winces in pain as the sharp blade sliced off his skin layer in a blink. The process was small and quick but the big pool of blood oozing out from area made it seemed otherwise.

Yeonjun tiredly eyed it. Earlier the thin sheet of skin on his wrist bone was already cut off accidentally and it left him with some dried blood and white partially clear liquid oozing out a bit. Now another pink spot was created on the crus underneath his right knee.

It only happened because too much pressure was applied onto the blade recklessly while he was lost in his dissociative thoughts. But this is nothing new though . The skin layers were always damaged every time he shaved in the past too.

Yeonjun has been wearing long baggy pants for almost a month just because he had been lazy to remove the body hairs for long. But today, short pants are needed for a fashion purpose. And so in the middle of the Saturday afternoon, he sat himself on the marble bathroom floor to run the sharp tool on his pale skin.

A stinging burn spread through his leg when cold water was poured onto it. The iron droplets on the tainted skin melted away into the drain, coloring the water in red. The remained pink spot was bigger and nastier than the one on his wrist- must have sliced off the flesh layer a bit too deep, too careless. It looked ugly. Just have to cover it with a long sock, he noted.

Yeonjun couldn't give a fuck about these little cuts and tend them with alcohol pads or anything at all. It's  won't will kill him. He doesn't need to care about them. He wouldn't act dramatic. Skin layers will heal them on their own.  Embracing them like a tattoo was what he always did until they disappeared.

The little uncontrollable trembles of his fingers went unnoticed as he rubs them onto his now hairless skin. The little shakes of the nerves inside-  normally they calmed them down after the Ativan intakes but now that they are out of stock, there's no help to it. It's nothing that serious though.

Reluctantly, yeonjun finished up and did a quick shower to prepare for the meet up with Felix.

Soobin's not home. The blue head drove off quickly to wherever, after he dropped yeonjun off at the apartment from his so called part time job. Soobin had seemed too energetic, too enthusiastic for the party and yeonjun should have feel happy for his lover but when the younger boy grinned at him from the rich leather seat, yeonjun had just wanted to wiped the smile off . His annoyance seemed to go unnoticed. 

Yeonjun was just tired.

But instead of rotting at home doing nothing, the pink haired boy thought he would just work his brain on the art project with Felix.