Say you love me, please (Yeonbin fic)

<Chapter Twenty Eight: I know it's random, how you've been? >

Yeonjun was a both a heaven and a hell.

Intoxicated him with the taste of ecstasy- only to brutally snatch it away when he gets high on addiction.

It's been a week since Yeonjun has left.

Since then, days has been a slow blur to soobin.

And Nights were blue.

Frankly, Soobin was not okay at all.

or would you rather say the typical lovesick symptoms were corrupting him?

The joylessness, the feeling of  the complete void, the cruel ache that lingers with every beat of his heart- all the same yet different feeling from 2 years ago, perhaps even more intense?

Fueled from the swell of his chest, the blue haired boy got to learn more about the pain.

The pain of losing his everything.

He failed to realize his strong impulse of the older until he was no longer beside him, the strong impact that yeonjun's presence imprinted on younger's livelihood- quite unbelievable. 

Aside from when he was miserably keeping himself distracted by his final papers, a requirement for his degree-  Soobin can barely engross his mind onto anything. Everything he does seemed to haunt his mind back to the older boy and sadly, there was no escaping.

Or rather he willingly let himself be trapped

Soobin couldn't concentrate on his average dramas - normally his arms would be occupied with a body that smelt of peaches, the homey scent he kept yearning for. 

He couldn't even sit down and eat meals at the dinning room- he couldn't withstand the idea of not seeing the view of a boy with puffy, pink cheeks chewing adorably while throwing random giggles at his chatters. And instead soobin was only met with the monochromatic sight of a vacated chair accompanied with the stale, pale walls filling the space at the back. 

In addition to his downheartedness, nights were the worst. 

In simple words, they felt like spicy hot summers deprived of ice creams- nothing to satisfy the burning insides.

He despised the way an empty space was illustrated beside him with only the crispy thin air to make contact with. The solitary ambience of the room also added more pressure to his agonizing emotions, and thus most nights, he could only lay with tears dancing around his inanimate eyes -until his sapped body dragged him into an unhappy slumber.

Apathetically, Soobin, he never knew the proper way of dealing with the magnitude of this type of grief.

Even though it could worsen his suffering, the tall boy always find himself looking back at their photos that he kept deep within his phone gallery, some being just the photos of Yeonjun which the taller has sneakily captured in random moments he found endearing. He even started listening to the songs that he never bothered to pay attention, the favorite songs of his lover which he also came to love.

Or is the word lover still valid?

It was absurd, soobin never said goodbye to yeonjun -plus they both didn't make any farewell regards either.

After the older confessed about his transfer, they didn't converse much for the rest of the day with the other boy mainly packing his things and they continued to play pretend that it was a normal day until the end of the night, where soobin got the final chance to wrapped the older within his arms .

And on the last day, before the pink haired boy stepped out of the door, they only took in each other's image wordlessly, eyes glistening with hidden longings- they concluded as the final farewell gesture nonetheless and after that, the blue haired boy helplessly stood just to watch his lover walked out of his grasp. 

And the closure wasn't achieved between them. 

Maybe it's better that way....? He can still plant some hope right?

On weekdays, the memories of the boy followed him too.

Every time he opened his locker, he was submerged with the overwhelming feeling- the little sticky notes from yeonjun, sat motionlessly in a flock, the little sweet words embedded onto the thin papers, which now soobin crave for more. 

Aside from Taehyun and Kai, no one in their campus was notified about yeonjun's sudden departure and so soobin was bombarded with nosy questions -the whereabouts of the pink haired boy from random students, some just making their own conclusions, some just gossiping about false assumptions which soobin couldn't bother to respond back, instead dodged the topics by yielding a cold shoulder. 

During lunch times, instead of partaking in the conversations of his two younger friends, he lamely lavished his time by figuring what his endeared person would be doing.

What would he be doing now? Is he drinking his medicines well? Is he doing better and happier? Is he missing him the way he does? Would he be meeting up with new people? And could he be getting interested in any of the American boys? Do the broad shoulders and buffed bodies impressed him? Has he found a new person to hand his heart to?

Soobin frowned and poked his food around senselessly as the weak appetite in him faded away completely. 

It's not that he was just groundlessly obsessing about yeonjun, it's just he hasn't seen or heard about any life updates from yeonjun -since he left his apartment and it was nagging him with a concern. 

Yeonjun doesn't seem to be active on both twitter and instagram- there were no new posts or any sort of activity wasn't detected. He hasn't engaged with the taller and his friends on the group chat too, probably muted the whole conversation even.

Soobin being soobin, unable to control his desires, has already sent loads of baseless messages to the latter right after the day of his departure but the messages were only met with a seen instead of replies. The calls he eagerly attempted were also hopelessly ignored. 

That could just meant that yeonjun was intentionally refusing to appear in front of him right? 

In the end, Soobin have no one but himself to blame.

It doesn't matter though, at the same time it meant that Yeonjun was still reading his texts and so- soobin bothered him one sided chats every time he missed him uncontrollably- about how his days went, about how the sad songs reminded him of the older boy, about how he awfully wishes the latter to be doing better, about how the blue haired boy would be still right there- right there for him when he needed a shoulder. 

though he seems to be the actual one who needing it...

The tall boy couldn't care less about his unreasonable behavior too, all the texts about other random things that doesn't even make quite sense-

Because the only thing that actually made sense to Soobin is the fragile fragments of the older boy, that he foolishly imprisoned inside his withered heart.

Perchance, they are just his nemesis, bullying him into the depths of suffocating insanity.