Love Without Love

five →

Right in the middle of August, I was sitting alone in the park. Flowers were scattered around me, dancing in the soft breeze the wind provided for us both. A quick sigh left my lips, as my hair blew back away from my face. I didn't have anything to do, since my only friend was not in the country, and I had no one else to speak to. Laying back in the grass, I stared up at the fluffy clouds above me, looking over what looked like shapes in the sky.
When I sat myself back up, I saw someone doing the same thing I was doing, gazing far up into the clouds. I wondered if I looked as pretty as he did when I was looking, or maybe I just looked crazy. He certainly did not look crazy, he looked like he belonged in a dream. He looked down to see me staring, and instead of making a face like I thought he would, he smiled. It was a sugary smile, as if he didn't even know he was smiling. After a second, he turned to leave.
That was my first encounter with him.

A week and a half later, I was sitting at the park bench, typing away on my laptop, trying to finish a summary of a novel I had been assigned. When I looked up, the boy was walking past me, holding two cups of Starbucks coffee. I blinked at him, watching him stare at his phone and then around him. His bright eyes stared into mine, and he wandered over.
"Hi, um. The person I got this for isn't around today, so do you want it?" His voice excited me, it was warm like sunshine. Something welled up in my throat, and I slowly nodded.
"If I don't, who else will?" Smiling myself, I took the cup in my hand, looking at the name etched onto the cup. 'Yugyeom'
He sat next to me, keeping to his side as if he was scared he would take up too much space. He was tall, but lean, his proportions were stunningly even, nearly perfect. As an art student, I couldn't help but admire it. His shoulder line was great, I'd have to remember that next time I was sketching anatomy.
"So, what are you working on?" He seemed shy about asking, but judging by his knee bouncing up and down while he sipped down his coffee I assumed he didn't like silence.
"Just a summary for literature."
"You study it?"
I nodded shortly, turning my body so my knees were pointed toward him.
"I also study art."
His expression softened, and he hummed quietly.
"That's cool, my father used to be a admirer of art... He would always tell me what the artist was hiding behind the paintings or sketches and what was really going through their mind." His voice seamlessly oozed out, as he stared down at the keyboard of my laptop, watching as my index finger gently bounced on the space bar.
"Really? That sounds amazing, I wish my parents were interested in things I like..." I trailed off, looking up at him before weakly smiling. The boy just shrugged his shoulders, raking a hand up to move his hair from his eyes.
"What do your parents do?" He asked, making me bite at the inside of my cheek. No one has ever asked so much about me before, and for a second I couldn't remember anything about my family. But I quickly spoke to him, bringing the cup of coffee to my lips.
"My moms a pharmacist, and my Dad's a lawyer." My voice was one that didn't hold too much emotion, just cold cut facts. He noticed that, and leant back, glancing over my face.
"My mom's a nurse, my Dad never settled down with a job. He wanted to be an artist, then an author, then a photographer and then a chef." His voice smoothly went along the list, my breath catching in my throat the moment he laughed at the options.
"He wasn't good at anything in particular, he was just good at being a positive and realistic thinker." He smiled at me, standing up from his seat taking a long sip of his beverage.
"Anyways, I have to get back to what I was doing." Tapping his fingertip against the side of the cup, he nodded his head.
"I'm Yugyeom by the way, and you?"
"Yujin..."
"I'll be around tomorrow, let's meet. I like talking to you."
"Yeah, I'd like that."
----
It went one like that for a few months, that I kept meeting with Yugyeom in the park. He told me almost everything, and always brought me a drink. One day I was sat there sketching, thinking about the way his shoulders lined up. I quickly drew out lines, connecting them to make a torso. He peeked over my shoulder, humming as he smiled.
"It looks nice."
I squeaked, rushing to close my sketchbook, but he took it into his hands and began flipping through pages.
"You did all of this? It's amazing.." His finger tips brushed over each brushstroke on the paper, and he traced over every line of graphite. I felt my face heat up, and I twirled the dark pencil in my fingers.
"Y-yeah, thank you. I really enjoy just simple art pieces so.." Biting at my lip, I noticed him just looking at me from the corner of my eye, and when I turned my head he was still looking.
"You're so beautiful when you talk about things you love."
I blankly stared, blinking before parting my lips to speak. Though Yugyeom reached up and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, I was at a loss for words and air.
I convinced myself he wasn't interested, and I wasn't falling for this male I had met over spare coffee.
----
It was a rainy day, and I sat in a gazebo near the flower garden just east of the park. My legs swung from my spot on the picnic table, as I stared down at my novel, reading over the ridiculously sad love affair the main characters were involved in. She loved a married man, and he was beginning to fall under her spell.
"He's going to get in so much trouble...Women have no respect for other women when they're in love." I quietly made note, listening to the sound of pouring rain on the wooden roof and concrete around me. It was relaxing, so much that I drifted off into thinking. With the crisp pages between two of my fingers, I thought of holding someone's hand, I thought of the delicate pads of their fingertips running over the skin on the back of my hand, of their fingers caressing my arm. I sighed, opening my eyes to see a familiar male standing by the steps of the shelter with a clear umbrella.
"Yugyeom... Hi." My voice was simple, as I put my bookmark in between the two sections of pages, setting it down on the table and hopping over to him.
"Hello my Yujin." He grinned at me, ruffling my hair before taking tiny pieces and fixing it. Today it was in loose romantic curls, and I guess he liked them by the way his long fingers combed through them.
"Reading for fun or for a project?" He then added, closing up the umbrella and walking under the roof for protection. I bit at my lip, wandering over to the hardback book and holding it in my hands.
"For fun."
"What's it about?"
I took a deep breath, wandering over to the table and sitting on the wooden surface. I patted the spot beside me, and the tall male sat next to me.
"It's about a woman, who met a man at the train station. He was the only one enjoying his day, even she was in a horrible mood. It was raining and her cat went missing, meanwhile he had just finished his honeymoon with his wonderful wife of a woman." I didn't notice how eagerly I spoke of this novel, as I began talking with hand movements. His eyes sparkled at me, but I had to finish. "They went on the same train, and while on the train she noticed he was alone and beaming at nothing. So they sat down and created conversation, it wasn't until he expressed his love for happy living and healthy thinking that she fell in love with him." A small smile made its way onto my lips, and I shrugged my slim shoulders. "She keeps seeing him, and whenever she sees his wife, she despises her... Though she's not doing anything wrong, just being a good wife and caring for-"
Yugyeom leant forward and pressed his lips against the corner of my lips. My eyes stared out into the rainfall, my words not being able to continue, my heart erupting into millions of fluttering butterflies. He kissed me, he really kissed me. At this moment, I couldn't deny. I have been in love with Yugyeom the moment I saw him staring up at the clouds. He was a dream, my dream.

That happened a year ago
---
Today was not a great day, I was sitting alone in Mark and Jinyoung's room. Eunmi had been settling in for the past three days, but now I was left in the house with Jaebum, Yugyeom, Youngjae and a sleeping Eunmi. There was no one I could talk to. Mark wasn't here, and I really needed him to just talk to. He was good at listening and hugging me. My eyes stared blankly at the sheets, and I sighed loudly. I had one thing on my mind, my hopeless love for my friend Yugyeom. I've been dwelling over him in the past, where he was always around me and always smiling. Things changed when his father left the picture, and his mom kept getting mad at him for tiny things. He was never close to me again, but he was still a friend.
Wiping my eyes for a second, I noticed I was crying. Standing myself up, I walked over to Youngjae's room, peeking in. Eunmi was sleeping, still holding the Pooh bear. I wandered in, locking the door and sitting next to her on the bed.
"Eunmi." I whispered, wiping the corners of my eyes quickly. She didn't respond at first, but I sniffled, letting out a deep breath. She turned onto her back, lazily looking up at me probably through blurry eyes.
"Hm? Yuji- are you crying?" She rushed to sit up, shoving her glasses onto the bridge of her nose and staring at me. I nodding slowly, biting at my lip to stop myself from sobbing.
"Hey hey, what's wrong?" Her voice was soft, it reminded me of Youngjae, but that wasn't important. I collapsed into her arms, crying loudly and incoherently mumbling out things.
"I love him, Eunmi I love him." Sobbing into her shoulder, I felt her arms wrap around me, rubbing at my back as she rested her chin on my shoulder.
"Let it out Yujin, it's okay."
"I love him! I've loved him for a year, I've always wanted him, to call him mine." My voice was so broken I couldn't recognize it.
"I love Yugyeom so much, it hurts so much. Eunmi he'll never love me, he'll never look at me and think she's so beautiful I'm glad to call her mine." Deep breaths left my body, as I squeezed her tightly and cried with all that was left in me.
"It's driving me crazy, I want him so much. I want Yugyeom and no one else, I can't not love him. I fell for him so hard I can't get up." She shook her head, holding me close and closing her own eyes.
"It's okay to feel that way Yujin, I can see the way you look at him. I can hear your feelings, I can feel your feelings. Let it all out, and tell me everything. Everything you can't tell anyone else."
I broke down further, bawling into her arms, making loud pathetic noises.
"I'm never going to be good enough for him, because I'm not pretty enough. I'm not funny enough, I am so easy to get. I'm so easy I fell in love at first sight, and now I can't get over it. He's gorgeous, he's so perfect. So fucking perfect and I want him to hold me."
There was a knock at the door.
"Eunmi is everything okay?" It was Youngjae.
"Y-yeah! Oppa I'm okay."
"Is...Yujin okay?"
"No.. I'm really not okay, I'm ruined.. I'm so shamelessly broken and in love."
---
Hours passed, and when I woke up I was back in Mark's room. My eyes opened to see I was laying right next to him, and I blinked.
"Mark?" I whispered, sitting up and running at my puffy eyes. He took one look at me, pulling my head forward, so I was resting on his chest. My eyes closed again, and I sighed. I liked being right here, it only happened when I was utterly miserable. The first few times being when I was homesick. Mark was always there to calm me down, it was just yesterday I had to turn to someone else.
"Yujin...Just rest, everyone's worried." His fingers ran through my hair, stroking my head gently as he stared down at me. Everyone? Did that mean even the culprit of my heartbreak? I laughed quietly at the thought, nuzzling into my best friend before nodding.
"Okay, thank you Mark. Thank you, and tell Eunmi that too. That I'm so greatful she helped me."