Love Without Love

seven →

It's been four days since Jaebum saved me in the rain from crying out my broken heart, and it's been four days since I've looked at Yugyeom.
I've been in my room back at home, not letting anyone in and not letting myself out. I didn't talk to anyone in the house, even minimized my contact with Mark and Eunmi.
Eunmi said she had to go back in two days, so I was trying to let myself go out and see her. Something in me kept me home, and I didn't want to see any of them. They all knew, knew I was emotionally unstable and would probably try to recommend therapy. I'd laugh and only concern them farther. Talking to someone about it obviously didn't work for me. My lips pursed themselves into a thin line, and I pulled my knees closer to my chest. I had been thinking on the corner of my bed for quite some time. It's been my favourite spot for a few days now, and I barely got up from it to do something.

Combing my thin fingers through my hair, I stared nearly blankly at my comforter underneath my body. Light pink polka dots graced lilac fabric, it was wrinkled as I rolled around it all day. Throwing my hands up into the air, I heard a small pop in my shoulder; making me sigh quietly. Stretching out my body the best I could from this said spot. After a few moments, I stretched my leg out, moving to put it onto the floor so I could stand up. Staring at the ground, I scooted over, but it was like I had forgotten how to walk. Frowning, I stood up and waited. I didn't wobble or fall over like tall grass in the wind. Quietly sighing, I was unable to identify it if was because I was relieved or just sad.
Taking a few shaky steps, it felt as though I was just a fawn walking for the first time. My body would've fallen down at this point if I hadn't been thinking so desperately of food. As I walked down the stairs and down the hallway. I began thinking.

Jaebum was the one to come and get me, does that mean he knows I love Yugyeom? Does that mean he watched as I left and knew someone had to come and get me? Did Jaebum do it on purpose? Did he know that I would be thinking about him right now? Maybe his motif would have been the fact that he had grabbed a spot in my brain and was continuously spinning around it. I stopped to pour a glass of orange juice for myself, and began to drink it. How is JB right now? Is he okay? Would he still be worried? I turned off my phone three days ago, and on the first day he was sending me good night texts and asking how I felt. I don't think it meant anything special, just that he saw me break down and held me when I cried. Realizing I was half way done my juice, I set it down to make some toast. As i put the bread into the toaster and pulled the switch down, I leant on the counter.

How was Yugyeom right now? What was he doing? I think he would be away from everyone, maybe even out with his girlfriend. I wanted to meet her, for evil reasons. So I could find out what she has that I don't. So I can make myself someone he would like. If Yugyeom didn't like me once, then why did he kiss me a year ago? Yes, I still remember the way his lips felt and how sudden it was. The burst of fireworks in my heart was embedded in my mind and I would never forget what it felt like. I guess I would forget it when someone else came along, and kissed me like they meant it. I'm pretty sure he didn't kiss me because he felt like it, he probably was thinking about it. The same way I think of him to this day, about his smile and his laugh and the way he speaks when he's happy, and sad, and near sleeping. I couldn't forget it, back then we were always there together and he always shared everything. His dad left, and now he didn't talk much to me. Maybe because the way I admired what I liked gave him a shock of remembrance for his father.

I looked to the side to see my toast sitting around in the toaster, I wonder how long it had been ready... I pursed my lips as I took it and put it onto a plate. I made my way up into my room , to go sit in my spot with a half empty glass of orange juice and cold toast. It was better than nothing, but Youngjae cooking for me would have been better. As I thought about how bad my toast was, and how I somehow managed to mess up toast, I remembered one other thing. Eunmi was visiting, she didn't live here with the rest of us. I didn't know when she was leaving. I shoved the rest of the dry toast into my mouth and washed it down with bitter juice. I launched myself over to grab my phone which has been charging for four days. I can't say that was good for it, but I didn't care. Sighing to myself, I held the button down and waited for it to turn on.