Love Without Love

twenty one →

When we both got into his car, I had comfortably sat myself on the passenger side. We had both agreed into going to a local restaurant for lunch, since neither of us had things to do and we both couldn't keep away from one another. Biting at my bottom lip, I glanced toward him, and he sat concentrated. The car had already began moving, and I was stuck staring at the male. Jaebum grew up well, his whole appearance shifting since I last saw him. His hair was still dark, though it was easier to manage in a shaggy cut, his face seemed to mature a bit, his jawline certainly making an impression on me.

He was a man, and I hoped I grew into a fine woman. Suddenly I felt cautious, and I looked down at myself. I now wore a lot less colour, but that didn't matter much. I hadn't changed so much, as I still went into toy stores to look at cute stuffed animals, and complained when I didn't get ice cream later.

"Did you do something to your hair?" He asked suddenly, catching my attention. Blinking my eyes, I glanced down at my dark brown locks of hair. It got longer, but I was using a new product, and I dyed it darker a little while back. Pride welled up in my chest, and I smiled.

"Yup, you noticed?" I whispered, fiddling with my fingers gently. The thin ring that was on my middle finger was shining in the sun, so I took a few moments to play with that.

"Mmm." He hummed, his eyes looking back to the road as he continued to drive. When he turned left, and his eyes found his way back to me, he smiled shortly, his impossibly bright teeth showing. "It looks nice, pretty." Jaebum nodded his head, making me turn away in embarrassment. Since when was Jaebum one to flatter someone?

Especially me? We used to always bicker, unless we were laying next to each other with heavy hearts. But I can't be thinking of that, no no. I promised myself that was the past, no more late night talks and hand holding and kisses under the moonlight and no more melting into his words and crying because he was so emotionally beautiful.

I bit my lip,taking a deep breath in disbelief. I can't believe I was thinking like a teenage girl again, there is no Jaebum and I. Only Yugyeom and I.

So I thought of my boyfriend, and found myself smiling stupidly out the window. Yugyeom was everything I knew and came to love, even if he was busy most of the times, he always had time for me, and I always treasured the moments we had together, even if it was a quick peck on the cheek to say goodbye.

"Yujin-ah?"

"Huh?"

"I asked what you've been up to." His voice was laced with a deep chuckle, and I could tell my ditziness had amused him. So I turned to look at him, as we silently waited at a redlight. I watched the pedestrians cross in waves, and then remembered he asked a question.

"Oh! Um, art. Drawing, painting, digital work, it's fun. I got better." I had started to slightly fidget, my feet bumping into the door and I laughed. That wasn't supposed to happen, but he still smiled warmly at me. How dare he look at me like that, like I needed reassurance and protection.

"You were always good." He then continued to drive, his eyes staring into the street as we went straight. It seemed this drive continued to go on, mostly because we had too many moments of silence.

"What have you been up to oppa?" I asked, my eyes glancing over to his hands. They held the steering wheel firmly, and his index finger gently bounced on the side of the wheel.

"I have an interest in photography, I like taking artsy pictures of friends."

"Of your girlfriends?" I playfully added, smiling as he shook his head laughing.

"No, not of my girlfriends. Because I haven't had a girlfriend since high school." His tone was serious, and he licked at his lips. I don't know why I was watching him so closely, but I couldn't believe that he still wasn't dating anyone. He was a good person, so sweet, and so misunderstood.

"Would you, though? Take pictures of your girlfriend?"

He shook his head, and I tilted my head. Why wouldn't he? Wouldn't he want to be reminded a beautiful woman was in love with him?

"It would just hurt, when she was gone and I had all these photos of her old love for me."

"Yah, don't say that. Your girlfriend won't leave you, you'll find someone who likes you."

"She just doesn't know it yet."

"What's that supposed to mean? You like someone?"

"Mm."

He parked the car, and shot a glance at me, his eyes sparkling. I guess I had to figure out who that was by myself, but I didn't say anything, just looked back at him.

"Let's eat shall we?" He murmured, slipping the keys out of the ignition, and putting them into his pocket. Then he opened his door and got out, stretching slightly when he closed it. I shook my head, not to answer, but because I was so confused. What was this supposed to mean? He still spoke in riddles. So I got out of the car, humming to myself as I shuffled over to his side and smiled. I linked arms with him, and we walked into the building.

Once we got in, I lead him to a table, and he could only laugh and follow. He knew I always wanted things my way, so he didn't say anything. When I was sat down, he sat across from me, still gently smiling at me.

"Yujin-ah, we should take pictures later..."

"Yeah! Photograph me all artsy, because I won't ever leave you and you won't have to look at the photos and feel bad."

He smiled, but there was more to it than happiness.

It wasn't happy.

Jaebum was faking a smile?

A smile for me...?

-

a/n : sorrrry!

i am so tired and sad ; 3 ; i cannot write well.

my whole world stopped moving and i can't find reasons to write.

so because i am depressed over my first love i shall leave this here.

r.i.p my heartu.

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