Toxic - A Natasha Romanoff x Female Reader Story

Chapter 32

Author's note: Trigger warnings of panic attacks, blood and self-harm.

Y/N's POV:

I stir slightly to the sound of things opening and closing. I blink slowly adjusting my eyes to the light and I look at Nat confused and I mumble.

"What's happening?"

She turns to me and smiles softly walking over gently pecking my lips moving the hair out of my face.

"Morning angel, how did you sleep?"

I smile leaning into her touch yawning as I keep trying to wake myself up. I rub my eyes moving to rest my head on her lap.

"I slept amazing, did you sleep okay?"

She nods stroking my hair looking down at me smiling gently and I look at her with slight confusion.

"Everything okay?"

She nods chewing her lip and I frown sitting up and I gently take a hold of her hands.

"Baby? Talk to me, what's the matter?"

"I spoke to Tony this morning and he asked me again if I'd speak to you about joining the Avengers, he wouldn't separate our missions unless absolutely necessary. You'd never be made to feel alone."

I chew my lip taking in the information from Nat and I begin to pick at my nails. She immediately grabs my hands to relax me because she knows that's one of my habits when I get anxious and I sigh.

"I-I don't know Nat. If even one person gets ahold of my trigger words and then uses them on me in the field? I could really hurt somebody and I don't want to do that. I'm still finding it hard to forgive myself for what I did last time, and last time that was quite controlled."

She frowns gently at me but then smiles sadly stroking the hair out of my face. I lean into her touch beginning to tear up and she pulls me into her letting me cry into her shoulder.

"Shhh, it's okay baby. You're with me and you're safe, nothing is going to hurt you and you're not going to hurt anyone alright? If you don't want to that's okay, I'll just tell Tony and tell him to back off asking."

I nod against her hand chewing my lip slightly and I let her stroke my cheek and I take a deep breath calming myself down.

"I've been thinking, what if I go away for a while? I remember you and the team saying about how Bucky went to Wakanda and they freed him of the words, they don't affect him anymore. I was thinking if I could do that it'd ensure that I'd be able to keep you and Wanda safe, not be scared of hurting you both."

She looks at me with slight shock and then frowns upset. I knew this was eventually going to happen.

"You know if you do that you'll be going alone? They didn't allow anyone to go with Bucky because they needed him to have no distractions and only focus on getting himself better, breaking free of Hydra's words."

I smile sadly at her and I nod sighing gently. 

"I know, but I think it's what's best and then I could think about joining the team properly, actually pull my weight around here."

I don't want to leave on my own but I'm sick to death of the constant nightmares, the fear I'm going to be triggered again, hurt the team...my family. I gently stroke her cheek and she sniffles gently.

"I-I know this sounds extremely selfish but, I don't want you to go. I don't want you to leave me. I'm a state without you, it's like I can't function and I just- I"

My face falls when she starts sobbing and her breathing becomes short and uneven and I immediately pull her into me pressing her head to my chest so she can hear my heartbeat.