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› 19 › i lost a friend

"my dad's getting remarried."

"wait what?" nini asks in surprise as i sit up properly on her bed.

i grip onto howie's phone which is still clutched in my hand. i should have never asked for it. it would've been better if i gave him mine and left it at that.

"with... miss jenn?"

i nod slowly.

it hasn't been that long, has it? when they first told me about the wedding, they said it would probably be the next month.

it barely feels like a month has passed.

"it's not actually a big deal," i force a smile. "i'm happy for them."

"... but?"

"but," i add. "things have been a little weird between me and them. not because of their relationship."

"at least you get to go home," nini says brightly. "get away from the chaos of la."

"i don't really..." i trail off.

home.

i should be happy i'm heading back. but something about all this... i don't know what i'm feeling.

is salt lake my home? talking literally, the answer to that would be yes. i love utah too. it will always have a special place in my heart.

but over the years, my definition of 'home' started to get blurry. i thought it was my childhood house... i thought it was the theatre group... i thought it was... a person.

i look up at nini and my body moves on its own, leaning forward until my head snuggles into the crook of her neck.

"what's this for?" she laughs lightly, drawing small circles on my back.

"nothing," i mumble into her skin. "i just needed it."

after a moment, i bring my head up to look at her. "we should get back together."

she blinks at me in confusion. "wait, get back—"

"oh crap, no!" i exclaim, registering what i had said. "i mean not no, i—yes?—no wait, i meant get back to salt lake together."

she rolls her eyes playfully at my panic. "still the same idiot i grew up with. but you want me to go back to slc with you?"

"oh, i just thought we'd go together anyway since you're obviously going to be invited to the wedding," i explain.

"you think so?"

"why wouldn't you?"

"i haven't talked to miss jenn in..." nini looks around in deep thought before facing me again. "years."

"yeah but you've always been her favorite," i challenge. "you know how vain she can get. why wouldn't she invite the student that became the biggest pop star in the world?"

"you're exaggerating," she chuckles. "i hope she doesn't ask me to sing though."

"what's wrong with that?"

"i'm on a break for a reason, spacey head."

though the reason comes out as off, i decide to ignore it anyway. she's been singing and performing in front of audiences for the past few years. i get that she doesn't want to mix that up with her personal life, especially when she's trying to rest from it all.

"ugh, now i have to pick an outfit and everything," she says as she stands up to walk over to her cabinet. "and it would be so much easier if kourt—"