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› 29 › let go

howie and i are in front of the door to our room. the light underneath tells us that jack is inside.

"do you want me to go in later?" he asks me. "to give you two space."

i sigh. "well if i'm going to spill my guts again, i would be more confident with you around. but he doesn't know that you know."

"that's true..." he trails off with uncertainty. "i'll stay back then."

i take a deep breath and reach over to the doorknob. twisting it, i push and enter the dorm.

jack's eyes move up to meet mine and for a split second there i thought he was going to turn away and ignore me. but he forces out a laugh and acts casual. "damn. i liked having the place to myself."

"okay, stop. you don't have to pretend right now," i say, closing the door behind me.

he rolls his eyes in irritation and moves farther away from me in his wheeled chair. "another lecture, mr. righteous?"

"no," i reply, leaving my luggage and walking over until i'm standing before him. "look. i'm sorry about what i said before. i was wrong to assume and point fingers. really, i shouldn't have done it."

"then we're good!" he exclaims sarcastically. "end of discussion."

"no, not the end. jack, you have to stop this act. you clearly are tired of..."

"don't you ever want to talk about it? but you can't because only people like us can understand?"

that conversation he had. with nini. i think i'm starting to get it.

"i'm not one to talk, i know. but keeping everything in and telling yourself that it's fine won't do you any good," i continue. "trust me. because even if you think others won't understand, you won't really know unless you try."

"did you become a life coach after your dad's wedding?" he scoffs, unimpressed. "you still don't get it. i'm not like you. i don't get emotional about the skeletons in my closet. i'm just numb. it doesn't matter."

"make me understand then," i challenge him, sitting down on the nearest bed. "i'll listen."

he looks at me as if waiting for me to tell him that it's a joke. but after seeing how serious i am, he stands up and starts to walk away. "mind your own business, bowen."

"i'm trying to help—"

"but you're right. we can stop pretending like we're friends," he turns to me, interrupting indifferently. "if you're going to be a killjoy, don't be surprised when i don't talk to you."

he reaches the door and begins to put on his sneakers.

"fine, i'll stop," i say. but that doesn't seem to convince him because he puts his hand on the door handle to leave.

"you figure out your own thing and i'll figure out mine," i add quickly. "but i'm here whenever you need me. got that?"

he stands there for a moment, his back to me and his hand still clutching onto the doorknob. i don't know if i'm trying to convince myself that i did something but i see a subtle, almost nonexistent nod before he pushes through with what he was going to do and opens the door.

"can't believe you chose that dude over me," i hear him joke aloud, probably to howie.

the sound of his footsteps slowly fade out. before i can think about what happened, i feel a hand on my shoulder.

i look up and see howie nod at me. "don't blame yourself. sometimes you have to let someone go for them to grow, you know?"

let someone go, huh.