𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞. « 𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘯 »

› 30 › hold on

i look over at nini as the wind blows through her hair. she has the same sad expression on her face that i've grown to know.

we've always been entangled in each other's lives; for better or for worse. can you blame us?

how do you let go of someone you've loved since childhood?

and what happens after? we go back to our own miserable lives, figure things out on our own?

we've been here before.

we've been in so many situations again and again. we never learn, do we?

i let her go once before. and look how that turned out. what went wrong?

my mind races, trying to retrace every step of the way even though it hurts to remember a lot of the memories between us.

"you're gonna find it again."

"find what?"

"whatever you're missing. whatever's stopping you from making music and spilling out your feelings like you used to," i tell her with conviction. "i might have failed in helping you get it back but..."

okay. here it goes.

"maybe," i start, attaching pieces of a puzzle in my mind, not knowing how the final picture will turn out. "we don't... we don't have to let go of each other."

i watch nini tilt her head in interest. confusion glints slightly off her eyes but she's listening.

"think about it. all these years, we've always thought that we were holding each other back," i explain. "but what if we were wrong? what if..."

"because that's all there is between us isn't there? history?"

"it was our history that was tearing us apart."

a lump goes through my throat, nervous to see her reaction to my claim. she leans back in deep thought, trying to make sense of what i'm saying.

"all i'm saying is that i don't want to lose you again," i say firmly. "as a friend. i just feel like i've always thought that we would end up together. that we should. but that expectation ruins us. it always does."

"so what are you saying?" she asks, looking at me for answers. "what do you want to do?"

"let's restart."

"what?"

i force myself up and extend a hand for her to take. she gives me an amused smile and allows me to help her up as well.

"no more expectations. no more ulterior motives. no more baggage," i say while facing her. "can't we at least try being friends? without the drama."

"we can't really forget the past, ricky," nini remarks but her growing smile tells me that she wants to hold onto this, whatever this is, too.

"yeah, we can't. but we don't have to let it define us, right?" i give her a smirk and reach into my pocket to bring out the chain necklace i took off after realizing it was still on me. "i can throw this off the mountain right now if you want."

she laughs. "hey! my sixteen-year-old self worked hard on that!"

"okay, i didn't want to throw it away anyway," i chuckle. "but really. can we do this?"

nini searches my eyes and for the first time in the past month, i feel like we're actually on to something. not just the idea of something.

"i'd like that," she says, barely above a whisper.

a grin spreads across my face.

"then let me introduce myself. i'm richard bowen. but i like to be called ricky."

"and i'm nina salazar-roberts. but i like to be called nini."

"well nini," i take her hand and place the silver chain on it. "i think this is the start of something new."

° ° °

with howie sleeping and jack out of the dorm, i dial miss jenn's number and prop my phone up against a stack of textbooks.

"ricky! i didn't know you were serious about that one-call-a-week idea," miss jenn beams through the screen.

"it can be more than one but you know, i have to catch up at least once a week," i grin. "how are you?"

"planning out the honeymoon! but we were thinking of waiting for your break to maybe spend it with you."

"what? no, i do not want to be around the two of you getting your hands on each other."

"oh please."

we share a laugh before she asks, "now that you're back in la, are you going to talk to nini?"

"actually, i did. she reached out the other day," i answer. "turned out better than expected. we're friends."

"that's wonderful to hear!" she exclaims. "if you don't mind me asking, i notice you're not wearing the necklace anymore. did you give it back?"

"i was going to," i explain, remembering the night on the hill of the hollywood sign. "but she didn't want it back. and somehow we thought of burying both of our necklaces like a time capsule. to kind of 'let go' of them but hold on at the same time if that makes sense. i also buried my song book too."

"your song book?"

"yeah. i'm getting a new one though. i just had to let the old one go to start afresh."

"i'm proud of you," miss jenn says, her expression matching her words. "it must have been hard to let those things go."

i pause to think about it for a moment before shaking my head. "honestly, it felt like instead of the objects, i was letting go of myself? or at least the part of me that kept pulling me down. and it was so relieving to do that. so now i can hold onto this chance to be better."

i watch miss jenn wipe away a happy tear. "you've grown so much."

"you helped me along the way."

"oh, don't give me that," she chuckles. she then leans closer to the screen, itching to hear what i have to say next. "so ricky. are you happy?"

i surprise myself by answering without a second thought.

"yeah... i think so."