𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞. « 𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘯 »

› 25 › falling

"it feels like a hundred years ago."

i think your worst day ever doesn't depend on how bad you were feeling that day. i think it's more about how bad you still feel when you look back on it.

i used to tell myself that the worst day of my life was when i found out my mom and dad were going to get a divorce.

but at least my feelings about that were resolved years ago. i knew my parents tried. they tried so hard for me. it just didn't work out. they didn't make each other happy anymore. i learned to respect that.

so now when i think back on the "worst day of my life" i think of the day when the results for the career test came out in east high.

because until now i vividly remember everything. including that aching feeling i had all day - believing that there was the slimmest chance of having everything work out, only to have those hopes crushed again and again.

the hallway. the lockers. nini's instagram page. the way she avoided me.

her phone. the comment. deleted.

i was discouraged but not defeated.

slices. arguing. a crowd of strangers with their judgmental stares.

i was hurt but not hopeless.

the tree house.

my eyes open - they feel swollen. i don't want to think about that night. i already feel miserable.

"hey..."

a throbbing sensation pulses through my head. i bury my face on my knees as i hug my legs tighter than ever, preparing myself for the worst.

. . .

"honestly... i don't like who i'm becoming. chasing you down all the time."

ricky and nini sit across from each other in their childhood tree house. it used to be a place of safe space; where they can just be themselves and be with each other with no one to bother them. but the night air isn't filled with the innocent laughter that was once heard inside these walls.

instead a cold tension poisons the room.

nini shakes her head in regret, tears threatening to run down her face, before looking up. "i don't like running away."

the two of them gaze at each with such intensity; and at that moment ricky knew how this story was going to end. they've been here before. but this time it's different.

this time it feels like nothing can be done to save what's left.

ricky's jaw clenches as he braces himself for what the girl in front of him is about to say.

. . .

it's like i'm drowning.

the water keeps on rising and eventually it covers the entire room - leaving no air to breathe and no safe space to cling onto. everything is so painful. and right when i'm about to give up, the water recedes into nothing, leaving me soaking wet. like that time with the soda. or the alcohol. where i was just left with the pain and broken parts that survived the storm.

it's almost hysterical.

but i guess nini was right. she always has been and always will be.

i haven't been entirely truthful to myself at all.

my world used to move so slowly that i felt empty; but after seeing her again, it began to move too quickly. i convinced myself i was fine. but i don't think i was. i don't think i ever was.

towards the end of my first year at ucla, i started to get them. the flashbacks. it was the strangest feeling because around that time, i thought i moved on from everything that happened before. they were harmless at first. i thought i was just getting nostalgic since it was my first time living without family in a big city. it's normal to remember things from your hometown.

but then the worst memories started to stand out more and more. it wasn't all about nini - a lot of them were my parents' arguments or the regrets that never got resolved. i got really worried.

it stopped happening though in the middle of my second year after getting more help from kourtney's mom and having howie as a roommate. i always thought the flashbacks acted like a coping mechanism. i was still adjusting to making new friends and feeling safe in a new environment... change hasn't always been my strong point.

even then i never felt particularly great about myself. i felt hollow. i started getting into relationships, thinking i might find something. but they never worked out.

and there's no one to blame but myself. 

"so you're putting the blame on me again? it's always my fault? no, nini, no - this is just another excuse for you to run away without having to bear the burden of telling me straight in my face that you don't actually care."

i didn't mean that. i really didn't mean that. but i can't take it back, so what's the point?

she said she cared.

"well sorry to burst your bubble but i care."

she said she missed me.

"but those were the days... i've missed you, ricky."

i don't know if any of that was true but i hope it was. i've ruined it now though so i guess that's meaningless too.

i screwed everything up.

i avoided seeing mrs. greene. "don't treat me like a wounded animal who constantly needs looking after."

i made miss jenn feel unwanted. "you don't have to act like my mom."

i refused to clear anything up with my dad. "we didn't really talk before i came back either, so there isn't much of a difference."

i selfishly left my mom uncertain of herself. "yeah... look what we became."

i lashed out on jack, thinking i knew him when i didn't. "i bet you've never had a single hard moment in your life."

i ignored kourtney's advice. "sorry kourt, gotta go."

and i didn't even try to hear howie out. "you really are half-baked."

i bet none of them wants me around anymore. i don't want to be around myself either. i'm a mess, and i keep dragging everyone else along with my baggage. i want to change, believe me. but unfortunately, i think the me right now is as good as it gets.

i'm just... tainted.