𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞. « 𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘯 »

› 27 › baby steps

i fall back a bit, startled at the force of miss jenn's sudden embrace.

kourtney's mom suggested staying over at her place if i wasn't ready to face my dad and miss jenn yet but i decided i wasted enough time avoiding them, even though a part of me thought they might have already left for their honeymoon.

"i cannot express how horrendous it was to have you missing and to find out that i had no idea until kourtney called, i—"

"hey... ms. jenn," howie chuckles awkwardly behind me with a small wave. he had nowhere to stay for the night so i brought him along - i didn't expect an emotional welcoming.

"oh dear, howie!" she exclaims and lets me go, subtly embarrassed by her extreme display of emotions.

i see my dad come over in frustration. "what were you doing, where were you?!"

"dad—"

"we should all go inside first, calm down," miss jenn eyes him sternly before going back to me. "ricky must have had a long day. he should change, get some rest... and then we can have a little chat."

° ° °

it's weird, sitting here and looking at my dad and miss jenn sitting beside each other on the other side. they're married now. they're my... parents.

yeah. it's going to take awhile for me to get used to.

right now, howie is shut in my room to give us some privacy. i told him to wake me up earlier but he let me stay in bed longer. anyway i'm glad i got to sleep things off before... well, explaining everything. a lot went down and i don't think i would have been in the right mind to retell it all earlier. 

rubbing my hand back and forth on my thigh, i try to think of what to say. i don't really know how to explain what happened yesterday. do i tell them about what's been going on with nini? or does it not matter? do i go straight to the point with what i've wanted to say to them for awhile or—

"mrs. greene told us that," miss jenn starts, seemingly deciding that neither me or my dad is going to begin anything. "they found you back in the elray. you were there all night?"

"yeah... it's a lot to explain but the short version of it is i got into a fight with nini," i clear my throat nervously. "and it's been... overwhelming recently. i guess that fight was all it took for me to.... break down."

i already hate the words coming out of my mouth.

it's like... okay, no. we are not going on that road. once the self-hatred begins, it never stops. at least not for a long time.

"break down?" my dad repeats, confused rather than angry or judgemental. "rick, you told me everything was okay. have you not been talking to mrs.—"

"that's just it," i interrupt, afraid i'll fall back into my bad habit of going along with what they say if i take too long to admit what i've been thinking. "if i'm being honest, i've talked to kourtney's mom more times than i've talked to you two combined these past few years. it's been bothering me."

"that's not true," he reacts in disbelief before going into deep thought. "didn't we... i don't..."

"mike," miss jenn rests a hand on his arm, silently telling him that i'm right. she turns to me, guilt in her eyes. "ricky, sweetheart, i'm sorry we made you feel this way."

"yeah no, it's just... it's been hard," i explain, trying to be as honest as i can while making sure i'm not accusing them of being the villains. "the wedding, you know? it's like having to accept the ending of a movie when you didn't get to catch what led up to it. and that's why i've felt so... distant from the two of you. i'm happy obviously about the marriage but i wish i spent more time here... with you guys after graduating."

i take a deep breath, anxious for their reactions. the two of them glance at each other, but surprisingly it's my dad who stands up first to go over to me.

"i can't believe i let this happen," he says barely above a whisper before pulling me into a strong embrace. "i didn't mean to leave you alone, bud. can you forgive an idiot?"

a grin spreads across my face and i tighten my hold on him.

all this is a little sappy but i need it. i need something true and genuine to hold onto. and if it comes in the form of a simple "sorry" and embrace, i'm okay with that. because i know it's not for show - it's real.

finally, i let go and my dad pats me on the shoulder before going back to sit beside miss jenn who's now crying.

"what have i done, sweet jesus, what have i done," she says in between sobs.

a laugh escapes my lips. "still quoting musicals."

"no, i'm serious!" she insists, my dad putting his hand on her back to comfort her. "well yes, i am quoting jean valjean but that's not the point! all those calls before... it wasn't me being concerned for you. it was me trying to prove i was going to be a good mother for you. i was too ashamed to admit it but now that you've opened up..."

"it's okay, i figured."

she breaks into a bigger sob and my dad just looks at me as if silently saying, "you thought that was going to help?"

okay, maybe not.

"i mean," i speak up again. "i can't imagine being in your position. you were my favorite teacher for the longest time. and yeah... there was that time i didn't handle your relationship with my dad well. i get it - you must have been under so much pressure."

"that doesn't make it right," she wipes away her tears and tries her best to look at me directly. "ricky. i'm really sorry. i truly am. i'll be better from now on. okay?"

i flash her a smile. "i'll be better too. or at least i'll try."

a comfortable silence sets in and the burden i've kept to myself for so long fades away as i watch my dad comfort miss jenn. without even realizing it, i stand up and go over to them myself. a group hug won't hurt. after all...

this is the right thing.

i can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.

it's not over though... there's still other things to take care of. but this is great.

baby steps.