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› 22 › telling myself

"so now you come to me?"

kourtney flattens parts of my jacket sleeves to straighten them out while i look into the body mirror in front of me.

"doesn't this remind you of the night of that party?" i reply, ignoring her question. "we were preparing together just like this."

"yeah and that night turned sour," she retorts. she holds her chin with her left hand in deep contemplation before walking away satisfied. "we didn't talk much for awhile after that night, did we? you were too busy getting nini back."

"that's not what—"

"and now you're starting to act just like her," she says. "what happened with you two anyway? i'm guessing the only reason why you called me up is because you can't be with her right now."

with a click of a tongue, i make my way to sit on my bed.

ever since that karaoke reunion, nini has been... weird around me. more distant. more like how she was when i first bumped into her.

except when we do talk, she tries to keep up an interested, friendly tone of voice. but it's so obvious that she'd rather be somewhere else.

i just don't get it.

what went wrong?

what did i do?

this whole thing has been killing me inside until now - the wedding day.

not to mention all the other things i have no clue what to make of - with jack, howie, miss jenn, my dad...

but i guess it doesn't matter too much. i'll continue doing what i've always done.

shut up and smile.

because there's nothing else i can do anyway.

every time i do something, it all goes wrong.

"you should talk to my mom," kourtney says as she opens up my closet and puts back a hanger after realizing i'm not going to respond to her question. "she hasn't heard from you in awhile."

"i'll see her at the wedding."

"it's 6 am - you have time to see her right now—"

"i don't need help right now," i snap. i look directly at kourtney. "i'm fine, alright? don't treat me like a wounded animal who constantly needs looking after."

the expression on her face hardens - we maintain eye contact for a moment before i close my eyes and rest my face on my palms.

"i'm sorry," i say softly. "i don't... i didn't mean..."

i hear kourtney sigh deeply before she takes a seat beside me.

"everything is moving so fast, i get it," she says, barely above a whisper. "but that day in the karaoke place? you really scared me. all of us. it looked like you were in so much pain. we're just looking out for you. at least i am."

i lift my head reluctantly and shake it. i feel fine really, i don't know what's the problem with me right now. everything feels normal but it also feels like it's falling apart.

something isn't adding up and i don't know what.

"i think i'm just stressed out by this wedding," i laugh weakly. "i'm so sleepy right now, my brain isn't working."

"well this should be a day of celebration not stress," kourtney says with a smile as she stands up.

immediately, my room door swings open and miss jenn comes into view in a wedding dress with half-done hair.

"can you two help me?? i misplaced my curler!" she exclaims, frantically looking around.

"oh my god, miss jenn, you look stunning!" kourtney squeals as she walks out the room  with her.

a small smile forms on my face as i watch the two of them shuffle around the living room to find a single piece of equipment.

this is okay.

i'm okay.

just gotta get my head in the game.

° ° °

"here's the ring, bud."

my dad hands over a navy blue soft case, and i carefully grasp it in my hands. i lift the top up and find a small but gleaming diamond ring.

"what's this for? didn't you already give her an engagement ring?" i ask, closing the box amused.

"do you not know how weddings work?" he laughs as he shakes his head and puts a hand on my shoulder. "exchanging of vows...? that ringing a bell?"

"oh right," i say sheepishly, nervously tucking the case in my pocket. "sorry, i'm a bit... out of it."

i feel his grip on me tighten slightly, making me look up at him to see his eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"are you alright? did you not sleep well?"

"i'm fine," i step back and take a deep breath. a part of me feels like i'm telling that to myself rather than answering him.

"i don't mean to pry but..." i watch my dad bring a hand to his nape in hesitation. "you've been distant ever since you came back, rick. we haven't talked much. there's something bothering you."

understatement of the year.

"we didn't really talk before i came back either, so there isn't much of a difference," i attempt at a laugh but it comes off fake.

he tilts his head slightly. "do you... need to see mrs. greene?"

why is everyone asking me that today?

"i'll talk to her at the wedding," i nod with a smile to assure him. before walking out of the room, i add, "go kill it today, dad."

° ° °

"kourtney darling, you sure this is okay?"

miss jenn tries to scoot around to look at kourtney (who's driving in the front seat) properly, but her puffy wedding dress takes up too much space in the backseat.

"okay? this is more than okay. i want to be involved as much as i can on this day, i'm so excited for you!" kourtney exclaims.

"but your mom—"

"texted her. she understands," she winks. "what the bride needs is what the bride gets."

"how about you, honey? it's a little... cramped here," miss jenn awkwardly chuckles as she faces me.

clearing my throat, i reply. "i'm good. why did we have to take a separate ride though?"

"ricky! the groom can't see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, it's bad luck!" kourtney scolds while glaring at me through the car mirror.

"but they were preparing and getting dressed in the same apartment—"

"and did they see each other? no."

miss jenn laughs. "thank the theatre heavens i brought you two with me - i would have been freaking out by now!"

"you should be, it's about to be the best day of your life!" kourtney squeals. "and we're almost at the venue."

"where is the venue actually?" i ask curiously.

"why, the elray theatre of course."