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› 28 › better late than never

"it's weird," i explain, holding my phone to my ear while dragging my suitcase behind me. "that day, you know - in the elray - the flashbacks were worse than they've ever been. but after... they were gone. i haven't had one since."

"you're moving forward," mrs. greene tells me; a proud note in her tone. "that's what matters."

"thanks to you," i smile to myself, knowing she can't see my expression. i glance sideways and see kourtney and howie talking to each other. "and my friends."

"well you can always visit salt lake to refresh. you flew back to la so soon!"

"school isn't going wait for me to recover so... life's life. talk to you later, mrs. greene!"

"you better pull through on that this time, richard," she chuckles jokingly before ending the call.

as much as it feels a bit suffocating to be back, deep inside i know la is where i have to be right now.

after that talk with my dad and miss jenn, i called up my mom to clear things up too. i apologized for running off and gave her a genuine congrats. but i made her promise to take me out to "judge" todd when i visit chicago. "he'll have to prove himself before winning any favors from me," i told her jokingly. 

knowing i can't hide away in salt lake forever, howie and i called up kourtney the next day if she was good to come back to la with us. and here we are on campus, walking to our respective dorms.

now that i think about it though, i never got around to finding out why they're talking so normally again. let alone how, after all those years of bumping into each other and spitting out passive-aggressive comments. 

"after the past few weeks? boy, you gave us no choice but to talk to each other," kourtney remarks after i ask about it.

"ah, so you set aside your disagreements to come to my rescue?" i chuckle a bit. "at least something good came out of my," i struggle to sum everything that happened into one word. "... situation."

"nah, but you were right this whole time," howie says. "we were petty about how we dated in high school. so we're letting go of that. let bygones be bygones."

kourtney sneers slightly. "i remember you were the one being petty but everything else is right."

"you have poor memory then."

"howard—"

"okay, we're here!" i exclaim as we reach kourtney's dorm building. it wasn't too long ago i dropped her off here too after i got drenched in that soda...

i shake off the thought immediately. no need to hold on to that anymore.

"i'll see you boys around," kourtney says, rolling her eyes jokingly at howie before stepping into her building. she stops for a moment and turns to me. not a second later, she pulls me into a hug and whispers, "i hope that you're okay."

"i am. i will be," i reply softly.

she lets go and smiles before moving forward.

"so why were you calling me?"

howie takes his eyes off kourtney and looks at me, a bit surprised. "hm?"

"that day. during the wedding," i clarify as we begin walking off to our own dorm.

"oh, well," he starts, instantly knowing what i'm talking about. "i wanted to share some news. remember when i told you that i was busy? the day before you left to go back to salt lake when you tried to convince me to come along. i actually was busy, i wasn't trying to look pissed off."

i'm not surprised. he was a little guarded that day but he never glared at me once.

"when we attended that high-end party before, some director approached me. he's not that famous, but he was friends with aiden's dad," he continues. "he recognized me. apparently he had a child who went to north high, someone that was in beauty and the beast with me. somehow he remembered my performance so he recognized me."

"of course he did," i grin. "didn't i tell you before? you as the beast was like the best thing ever."

he waves off the compliment. "after telling him i quit theatre and acting, he was kinda shocked. he told me i was wasting my talent or something. so he gave me his number, telling me to give it another shot. i wasn't into the idea at the time but i was trying to be respectful."

my mind goes back to that car ride where he told me the reason why he didn't attend julliard. at first i thought he was simply still having trouble admitting that he had given up on his dreams; but now i think he was trying to forget about the chance this director had given him that night.

"what changed your mind?"

his face darkens. "when i left the dorm that day... i came back really quickly because i forgot something. but when i was about to go inside, i overheard you and jack..."

oh.

"i didn't mean to, but yeah. i was shocked. never heard jack talk about himself like that," he says carefully. "and it got me thinking. hurt always makes us give up the things we love. from what he said, he gave up his love of flight because of his dad. and for me, i gave up acting and singing thinking i was a burden to my family."

"and i gave up on myself because i hated everything i did," i let out mindlessly. howie looks at me, and after realizing what i said, i give him an assuring nod. i'm good; this time i really am.

"then it clicked. why let pain beat us? why let the hurt overstay its welcome?" he continues. but then he catches himself. "not like i actually know if what i'm doing is right but you get the picture. that day, i was going to meet the director to reject his offer of giving me a shot. but after thinking it through, i accepted it."

"wait, what was the offer exactly?" i ask with interest, excitement slowly growing within me.

"some indie musical film," howie replies modestly. "he wants me to play the second lead."

i shake his shoulder in encouragement. "no way! bro, you're gonna kill it."

"yeah whatever, maybe," he laughs but stops the moment we reach our dorm building.

"what's up?"

"how are you going to... talk to jack?"

right. i tried not to think about it too much because whenever i did, the situation seemed hopeless.

i keep asking myself one thing: were we ever really friends?

what do i know about him? that he's into acting? but is he even into acting when he's only doing it to be someone else, to get away from his own hurt like howie says?

but that feeling i had when he stormed off that day... that loss...

how the hell did i lose a friend i never had?

"i don't know," i reply honestly. "but it's fine. my apology is long overdue anyway. i can't escape this one."

howie nods in agreement. "you know what they say... better late than never."