Sharing Pain《sambucky》

《the one that got away》

Sam feels so much older than thirty eight. Everything just takes up so much more energy lately out of him, and he can't think of something to distract himself.

It's been a long, long time, he thinks, where he could just sit still and think for a while.

It's been even a longer, longer time where he could sit and do something he enjoyed without some dark thoughts plaguing his mind.

He wonders, if he knew of all that has happened till know, would he do it again? Would he go jogging again? Would he meet Steve Rogers again, know Natasha Romanov, only for her to die while he is 'blipped away'? Lose a friend while being stuck in the unknown? Would he help rescue Bucky? Would he join the Avengers against Thanos, helping defeat him, knowing of the major loss that would tag along?

Would he do that all over again?

He would.

Sam Wilson sacrificed a lot to be where he is today, who he is. But, still, the outcome always could be worse. He could have lost more, for all he knows.

He'd lost his best friend Riley, and he lost his female best friend Natasha. But he gained more friends, too.

A dark part of his mind whispers, that just means he has more to lose now, but he shuts it out quickly.

Besides, after they jumped HYDRA in 2014, his soulmate hasn't been tortured again. Sure, Sam sometimes still feels some pain, but mostly hits or small bumbs. There was this one time where his left shoulderblade exploded in pain, but he doesn't think it was because of torture. It was in late 2018, where they all met together to discuss war matters, before Thanos arrived.

If he had paid more attention, he would have noticed the blood under Bucky's nails and the bandage wrapped around his shoulder, where flesh meets metal. The older was woken up by heavy flashbacks and war and pain, that he once again tried ripping out the one reminder of all of his crimes, but the metal stayed put. The soldier hadn't slept that night.

But, that is all unbeknownst to Sam, of course.

This means it's been nine years in which his soulmate, whoever they are, finally got free.

Sam thought long and hard, but all he can think of is that his soulmate is one of those people HYDRA captured once. Now that HYDRA is no more, they are free, or so it seems.

Again, unbeknownst to Sam, the chains around his soulmates neck are indeed broken, but truly free he'll never be.

But Sam doesn't know that, yet.

He also doesn't know what is expecting him as he stares at his friend, Steve Rogers, dressed in the unfriendly white uniform, mjölnier in his hand, the suitcase with the infinity stones in the other.

He just smiles at him, and Steve smiles back, but it doesn't really reach his eyes. Steve hasn't been the same after Natasha died, and Sam always expected him to break, to need Sam, since his soulmate died, but the war icon never did. He stayed strong, and Sam envied that.

Just yesterday, Sam cried again as he thought of his own complicated situation with the other half of his soul. Of course, he is happy his soulmate isn't getting tortured anymore, but now, that they are free, Sam doesn't have any kind of leads.

He doesn't need that. His soulmate is standing next to him. Bucky Barnes is standing next to him, unable to meet Steve's eyes.

The universe already brought this pair of soulmates together, both now need to learn not to always see with their eyes.

Today is not the day the two will realize, it seems.

"It's gonna be alright, Buck." Steve says, and his voice is so steely, so dark, Sam swallows.

One moment, Steve Rogers is there, the next, he's gone.

Bruce's voice steadily counts backwards again, but Sam feels a rush of anxiety flow his stomach. When the machine doesn't start again, Steve doesn't appear again, Sam wants to vomit.

"Hey, dipshit, calm down!" Bucky's strained face enters Sam's view and he does as he's told.

"Goddammit, you shit, I thought you'd pass out a sec ago." Bucky sighs, the Brooklyn drawl making his voice deeper, but still so soft.

"Stop insulting me, asshole."

"Then stop acting like a lil' shit, dipshit." Bucky challenges, and Sam,

Sam fucking laughs.

It's genuine.

He doesn't remember the last time that happened.

"Yeah, alright." Sam whispers, so only Bucky could hear. The older smiles, and his eyes slowly trail over to the bench at the lake. Sam follows, but his breath gets caught in his throat at what he sees.

There, on the bench, are sitting two people, a woman and a man, both have grey hair and are holding hands. They look at peace, and Sam almost cries.

"Go, don't make them wait." Bucky seethes from behind him, and two hands, one metal, one flesh and blood push him forward.

Dumbly, he stumbles to the old pair, and blue eyes as well as a pair of cat green ones look up to him. He has tears in his eyes, but he can't, won't let them fall.

"What are you crying for, pretty bird? You think, I'll stay dead?" She says and Sam,

Sam just can't stop smiling.

"Will you two tell me how it's possible?" He asks, but Steve shakes his head.

"No. No, I don't think we will."Steve answers this time.

The shaky hand of his reaches for something made of leather, round shaped and gives it over to Sam.

Sam holds it delicately, and reacts to the order to try it on.

"How does it feel?"

"Like it's someone else's." He responds, and isn't lying.

"It isn't." 

Sam doesn't know how to respond to that, so he turns around to face the one armed brunette, only to find the place where he just stood empty.

His absence feels like a stab to Sam's heart.