Sharing Pain《sambucky》

《truth hurts》

A door slams shut as Bucky retreats into his apartment, fully aware of his soulmate still waisting away on his rooftop, bit he cannot bring himself to care. A migraine is coming along on its way, he feels the familiar throb on the back of his head just perfectly. His hands are shaking as he mulls over what Sam just implied.

Slowly, he sinks down to the floor to drag his knees to his chest and imagines a cute toddler Sam, a healthy size, big round cheeks and the adorable teeth gap.

He thinks about his laugh and what it sounded like as a child probably.
Then, he thinks about toddler Sam screaming and withering on the floor as pain unimaginably hurtful floods his thoughts and body.

God, he hates himself so bad.

He hates HYDRA so fucking much.

He hates that Sam didn't get something better.

And he hates that Sam can't, won't see that he does deserve better than Bucky.

Sam is the self sacrificing type, a type Bucky is weirdly familiar with.
Sam won't stop loving Bucky so much, it will be enough for both of them. But this love will consume him, destroy him, drag and wear him down to his bones till he is empty, gapping and grabbing for more, more, more-

Bucky can't do that to him.

He needs to be kept at a distance.

Bucky knows he is easy to love.
Like a cute, whimpering, abused puppy.
People will always love him, fall in love with him, adore him, no matter his crimes.

But that is fucking dangerous. This love, the love people harbour for him, is a 24/7 thing. It isn't easy to turn it off. They'll think about him, live for him, cry for him, till it wears them out and they are all exhausted.

Just look at Steve and how much he sacrificed, only to be at deaths door now.

Bucky hates that. He's always been that way. He needs both hands to count down the soldiers that jumped in his way to shield him from a bullet, or the ones that pushed him out of the way, so he didn't die from a bomb. All this blood spilled for him, for what?

So he turned into a Nazi weapon not even five years later?

He wants to apologize to those soldiers for failing them so miserably.

And he wants to apologize to all the people that feel in love with the mask he wore so many years ago...

The charming, cool and collected Sargent Barnes from back in the days...

People would think one of the biggest factors of Bucky refusing to complete the bond and sealing it for good is his internalized homophobia.

Which isn't unreasonable, he is a guy born in an era where homophobia and racism and massive Jewish hate was normal.

However, yes, he was pegged a ladies man back in the forties.

But that is only, like, half the story.

Back then, Bucky was seen in broad daylight with at least three girls walking down streets and snogging at least one of them on a daily basis.

But, at night, when the good bars opened.., well, then Bucky, or Seargent Barnes, would dance grind and make out with at least five men and a promise to get dicked down every damn weekend.

Those girls, who he still has yet to thank, that managed to give him the title 'ladies man's, which would today be called a 'manwhore', were all a cover up so he doesn't end up dead in an ally.

It worked out good, because almost eighty years later, he still is unfortunately living and breathing and nowhere near kicking the damned bucket, but before he managed to get back in the dating game, he met Sam.

Sweet, perfect, angelic Sam...

Oh, please, why?

He craves to have a kippa on top of his head now, he craves to go to the next best Synagoge in New York and beg god for forgiveness.

For his sins, for doing so horribly wrong he was bonded to someone so perfect, only to every damn day be reminded how fucked up he is, for how undeserving of Sam he is, or how much pain he brought upon Sam, Bucky decides, should be chosen on the way to the Synoagoge.

Or, maybe, he'll confess and beg for forgiveness for all of them and more.

Or maybe he'll beg for a reason as to why he didn't die at the age of fourteen...

A shudder runs down his back as he thinks of blue eyes, the exact shade of his, blazed and alight with fury as he holds a bottle by the neck, only to make it collide with Bucky's temple-

He curses as he realizes he once again got stuck in a flashback. A flashback from a long, long time ago...

The real reason why he is so afraid of Sam forcing him into this bond is...

No.

Sam deserves this explanation before everyone else.

Making up his mind, Bucky grabs his gloves from the countertop and a blanket from his closet and sprints up the stairs, two at a time, into the direction of the rooftop.

Peering down at a knocked out Sam, he eyes the half empty bottle cognac worriedly, only to remember that was the one Bucky bought as a gift when he stayed at the Wilson's resident.

Sarah had opened that bottle the exact same day and all the adults, so basically Sam, Sarah, Carlos with his wife Jennifer, Paul and Darlene, Sam's parents, lovely people, by the way, and the super soldier himself had drank from the liquid.

Still, you cannot always be careful enough. So, Bucky slowly loosens Sam's fingers from the bottle, raises it to his own lips and gulps down a heavy amount in one take. The alcohol burns his throat pleasantly, and he rather hears than sees Sam stirr as he tries sitting up.

"Bucky...? Wha' iss happ'nin'-?" He slurrs, telling Bucky indirectly he is still under a heavy influence of the alcohol.

"Come on, man, no way in hell will I let my soulmate sleep on my rooftop in the cold." He smiles gently as he helps Sam to his feet and let's himself laugh slightly as he heard Sam whisper about this situation being a dream.

You wish, he thinks painfully.
You are my soulmate. Your live is shortly gonna turn into a nightmare, buddy...

A/N: WOHOO! I CAN UPDATE AGAIN, FOLKS! NO MORE EXAMS TILL JANUARY, SO EXPECT A HEAVY INCOME FROM UPDATES YEHA!

By the way Raythewriterforevereinen Benutzer erwähnen wrote a fanfic ABOUT THIS FANFIC!!!! THAT IS SO SWEET! Go, check it out, I loved it❤