Sharing Pain《sambucky》

《daddy lesson》

TW: discussions of rape in the past.

Both men had tired themselves out and are now sitting next to each other on Bucky's couch.

The atmosphere isn't as tense as it used to be between those two, their hand are even intertwined and Sam marvels at how much he loves the weight of Bucky's flesh hand touching his.

For the first time, Sam doesn't mind the quiet that envelopes them, but Bucky wanted to talk. So talk he will.

"First of all, I want to apologize." Sam starts, and Bucky turns to him, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"What are you apologizing for?" He asks, a thousand opportunities turning in his head.

"Listen, baby, I know I could have done only so much, but still. I wanted to help so badly, I-

I wanted to safe you." He admits, his right hand trailing down to his thigh, following the scars to follow the word WHERE, that won't ever heal again.

A prove of his failure.

A whine so painful rips out of Bucky's throat as he realizes what is hidden by Sam's sweatpants, what is marking his dark skin now, for the rest of their lives.

People believe, a one sided bond means one side doesn't feel their soulmates pain. But a one sided bond can vary from different things.

In their case, Bucky supposes, both can feel each other's pain, but the bond is way, way, waaaaayyyyy stronger on Sam's side, making him be able to feel Buckys emotions and such. Maybe it is altered because of the serum, maybe Bucky has a higher pain tolerance, or maybe because of all that trauma he went through, he can't identify which are his emotions and which are Sam's anymore.

It doesn't matter.

Sam Wilson deserves better.

Periodt.

"I remember that." Bucky admits, his fingers gliding over the spot where the scar would be on his thigh.
"I just shot another witness to death, ready to kill the other, when..."

He sees it as if it was yesterday.

Two big, green eyes, as wide as sorcerers as Buc- as the Winter Soldier held a pistol to their forehead, ready to plaster the walls with the remains of their brain, when a stabbing pain curled through its body, near their thigh. The Winter Soldier never knew what Soulmates were, it wasn't mission relevant. It had confused it so much, it 'malfunctioned' the rest of the day, and got stuck in the cryo chamber again as punishment.

His eyes meet Sam, and he whispers, his voice as broken as he feels, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It was a poor attempt at finding you."

"And yet, we found each other without it." Bucky cringes

"That, we did." Sam awkwardly finishes.

"So... What now?"

"No law!" Bucky declares, and Sam huffs a laugh.

"What's your deal with the government? We cleaned the world off of HYDRA, there is literally no one to force you to do what you don't really like. Even if we made use of it, I couldn't force you to shit."

Bucky is eerly quiet for a few minutes, pondering if he should tell or not. Then, he blurts:

"You want to know why I am so afraid of the law, right?
Its not HYDRA. Or my personal opinion. It's... My parents were soulmates." He starts, but words get stuck in his throat, so he clears it, licks his lips an continues.

"But my Mom, she, she liked someone else already, when they met. She wasn't a fan of soulmates. So my dad forced the law on them.

I don't know how it is now, and I really, really, really don't feel like knowing, because back then? With the allowance if the law, you could do it all. "He explained, carefully choosing his words. But then, as he reveals more, he can't seem to stop.

"My father, he was a dick. Plain and simple. Alcohol was his second favorite thing, right after beating my mamma blue.

One night, I thought he would kill her. You see, he had dark black curls, while my momma had blond hair. He believed- believed I was a bastard.

Then, when I was ten, I started shielding my Mom. So he enjoyed beating me instead. I could handle, I knew I could. So that arrangement was fine.

Literally everyone in Brooklyn knew about George Barnes, 'poor guy, his wife and soulmate doesn't believe this shit, he can't help but force her, right?' " Bile rises, but he forces it down again to continue.

"Everyone knew about him beating her, beating me, but it was fine because she was his soulmate, and I was their son. So, I was a product of love, because soulmates love each other, right?

Wrong. So fucking wrong." He feels the tears coming, but doesn't let them through.

"One day, he came home and just.. forced her to sleep with him. Beat her, even. I was hiding in the closet the whole fucking time, not able to do shit, and boom! Nine months later, I had a baby sister.

I loathed him, I loathed soulmates, but most of all, I loathed that god forsaken shithole of a law.

My mother wasn't an object, someone to force into shit, yet here we are!" He angrily stands up, his lip bitten bloody as he stomps across his room in long, determined steps.

Only then does he realizes his partner is uncharacteristically quiet, so he turns around to be faced with a pale and shaken up Sam.

"I never knew" He starts, swallows, starts again, "that there were soulmates that couldn't stand each other."

"Well." Bucky declares, not really knowing how to respond.

"Sorry for uploading this on you." Bucky regrets telling that, if he is honest. He doenst like oversharing, but that's exactly what he just did.

"No. No, don't be. I wanted you to talk to me, and that's what you did.

Bucky Barnes, you are the strongest person I've ever met. Thanks for sharing this with me." Sam says, loops an arm around Bucky's waist and holds him closer.

It will be a bumpy ride, but for the first time, Bucky isn't afraid of the unknown, of the future.

Because whatever step he might go, he will have Sam by his side.

And now, he isn't alone anymore.

A/N: Happy belated new Year! ;)