My Reason To Live

1

Cover by: SxmplyMoxxi

Warnings:
-Self harm/blood

Clay's POV

I was sitting on my gaming chair as I completely focused on my computer screen. The lights coming from the computer screen were bright in contrast with the dark room I was sitting in.

It was midnight, but I had no idea what time it was. I just gamed without wanting to be distracted by anything. My headphones were really soundproof so I didn't hear anyone around me either. If I did heard something around me, I turned the sound even louder so I was sure no one was going to bother me.

I grabbed my can of energy drink and chugged the last sips of it, grabbing a new can so I would stay awake. I hadn't left my room all day and just lived on energy drinks and a bag of crisps since I didn't feel like talking.

I kept gaming until I felt someone tap my shoulder. I ignored it, sipped a bit of the energy drink that was standing next to my left arm and focused on the screen again.

Suddenly someone took off my headphones, causing me to give my dad the angriest look I had ever given someone. I put my headphones back on, but my dad grabbed them again and put them away.

'Clay, you're going to bed now. You have school tomorrow.'

'I'm not going,' I said as I drank the rest of my energy drink. I was about to grab a new one as my dad lifted me up.

'You're going to bed right now. If you don't listen to me, I'll take your PC away.'

'Go ahead,' I said, not feeling any emotions. No sadness, no anger, no guilt, no hate. Nothing.

'Go to bed, now,' he yelled at me.

'Go to bed yourself, idiot.'

'Don't talk to me like that.'

'What are you going to do? Cry? Just get out of my room, you know I'll just kick you out.'

'Clay-.'

'Shut up and leave.'

'I'm going to turn the WiFi off.'

'Congrats on dying,' I said as I rolled my eyes. 'You're annoying me, can you leave now?'

'Please, listen to me for once.'

'No, I don't listen to fake parents like you are.'

'Clay, that's too far. We-,' he started, but interrupted him.

'Go cry about it, pussy. Just get out of my room now, because I'll just hurt you so you get out. I don't feel anything, luckily you do so I can hurt you.'

'Why would you want to hurt me? I do everything for you.'

'Because you're an annoying dick who is interrupting my games. It's fun to hurt you, because for some reason you'll get hurt when I act like this. You're all such pussies and I hate it. I don't feel anything and you're just crying about every single dumb thing.'

'You're going too far,' my dad muttered. His hands were shaking and he seemed to be biting the inside of his cheek. 'You can be really glad that we haven't just kicked you out after everything you've done to us.'

'Okay, bye.'

'Can you please go to sleep for school tomorrow?'

'I'm not going, dumbass.'

'You have to, Clay.'

I was sick of it, stood up and pushed my dad to the door. I closed the door and locked it, sitting back down behind my PC as I just stared.

I wish to feel emotions like they did, but I was hurt too much in the past. On one hand I was glad to not feel pain anymore, but I also didn't feel happiness. I genuinely felt nothing.

TW self harm/blood

I sighed and grabbed my pocket knife. Because I didn't feel anything, I liked to make sure I was at least living which caused me to cut myself so I would feel pain. I wanted to feel things, but even that didn't upset me. My whole life was an empty hole and I didn't care about anything or anyone.

I stared at the knife and my skin, seeing the multiple deep cuts in my arm. Next to the cuts, I also saw countless scars. Some scars were burns, some were cuts, some because I scratched my skin very badly.

I put the knife back on my arm. It was so sharp that I could feel it carve into my skin. This was the only way I could feel anything, that was why I did it every day. I just wanted one moment a day where I felt something.

I put a lot of pressure on the knife and pulled it closer to me, feeling a sharp pain come up. It caused me to smile since I finally felt something again and I released the knife from my skin, seeing a deep cut fill itself with blood. I stared at the blood streaming down my arm, dripping down on my dark grey sweatpants.

TW self harm over
TW wounds/blood

I didn't care about it and stared at the deep cut. I probably needed stitches again, so I ended up standing up to go to my parent's room.

I walked in with blood dripping down on the floor behind me and looked at them laying down with their eyes open.

'I cut myself, I need stitches,' I said.

'This is the third time this week,' my mother whispered with tears in her eyes.

'Okay. I don't care if you don't bring me to the hospital, then I'll just bleed to death.'

My dad sighed softly and stood up. 'It's midnight, Clay.'

'I don't care.'

'I'll bring you,' he muttered. 'Go to the car and grab something to wrap around your arm to stop the bleeding.'

TW over

'Ok,' I said as I did what he told me to. I went to the car and sat down as I stared in front of me, waiting for my dad.

He stepped in and I could see his pale face with big bags under his eyes as he sat down next to me while yawning. I just didn't care about how he felt and he started the car to drive me to the hospital for the third time this week.

'Do you have energy?' I asked.

'No.'

'Get some then.'

'No, you're not getting energy. We're going to the hospital.'

'You do nothing for me, you're so annoying.'

My dad didn't answer and just drove me to the hospital in silence.

1068 words

Summary:
Clay self harms since he doesn't feel any emotions and he wants to feel something.