My Reason To Live

14

Warnings:
-Clay's trauma (abuse, neglect, attempted murder)

Clay's POV

It was a few days after George and I met and we gamed every day so far. We also called for hours on end and since George apparently didn't have school at the moment, he also had whole days to game.

Today was such a day again that we were gaming and even though George always sounded sad and depressed, he seemed a bit more happy when I tried to make him laugh today.

'How is your hand?' George asked after we talked shortly.

'It's fine, just annoying.'

'Did you self harm again?' He always showed interest in me and for some reason it didn't bother me when he checked on me.

'I self harmed yesterday evening, but I didn't have to go to the hospital.'

'That's already a big step.'

'Yeah.'

'Let's start the game again,' George said, but I started getting lost in his voice. His voice was beautiful and I got startled really badly as I suddenly felt something in my stomach.

I froze since I got overwhelmed by the weird feeling. I had no idea what it was either, but it felt like something was in my stomach when I thought about George.

'Are you okay?'

'Yes,' I muttered as I tried to ignore the feeling. Was it a feeling? Did I feel an emotion?

I continued the game as I grabbed some energy to drink and George listened to me opening another can. 'Isn't this the fifth today?'

'Yeah,' I muttered as we kept playing.

We ended up winning the game and I finished my energy drink, sitting back as I thought back about the feeling in my stomach. I had never felt anything like that, I never even felt emotions after everything that happened to me.

'Clay? You're zoned out.'

I got startled. 'Sorry, I was confused. I never feel emotions and I don't know what's going on.'

'Do you feel something?'

'I don't know, I don't think so. I don't feel happiness, sadness or anything like that.'

'How did this actually start?' George asked.

I sighed softly and stared at my screen. 'I've never told anyone.'

'You can talk to me if you want.'

'It's stupid anyway,' I muttered.

'I'm sure it isn't.'

I sighed another time and grabbed my knife to poke it into my desk. 'When I was five, I lived in America,' I started.

'Take your time.'

TW mentions abuse/neglect and attempted murder (Clay's trauma)

'My parents have always been mean to me. Not only emotionally, but also physically. I was barely three years old when they started abusing me,' I whispered. 'But I was three, I didn't understand that what they did was wrong.'

It was quiet and I waited for George to talk, since I couldn't continue.

'What did they do to you?'

'Kick me, hit me, let's say that they did a lot.'

'I'm so sorry.'

I shrugged to myself and sighed. 'We went on a holiday to England when I was five. I was so emotionally hurt because of what my parents said and did to me and I had been crying a lot on the holiday. One day my parents told me to come with them on a car ride and I thought they were being sweet to me.'

I got completely overwhelmed by a feeling deep within me. A feeling I couldn't recognise, but made me want to cry. Before I even realised, a tear rolled down my cheek.

'I went with them,' I said as I sobbed softly. 'But they got mad at me again. They stopped the car in some sort of forest and kicked me out, driving away without me. I was five, I had no idea what to do. I thought it was a joke and waited till late in the evening for them to come back, but they didn't.'

It was completely quiet and another tear rolled down my face.

'I spent three nights in the forest and since that point I decided to block all my emotions. I felt so unwanted and so unloved and I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just stopped feeling things.'

TW over

'How did it end?'

'My current parents found me and took me with them. They adopted me and since that day I've always stayed in England.'

I couldn't stop the intense feeling within me and bursted out into tears. I hadn't cried since I was five, I hadn't felt anything since I was five. I cried so loudly that I almost ended up in hyperventilation while George was talking to me.

I was in so much pain that I barely realised I was feeling something for the first time in twelve years. It was all so overwhelming that I started crying even louder.

'A-and my d-dumb self s-still m-misses my p-parents,' I whispered with loud sobs between my words.

'I'm so sorry, Clay. If I would have been there, I would have hugged you. Can you go ask your parents for a hug?'

'I will,' I whispered.

I stood up and slowly walked to my parents' room. My dad immediately sat up.

'Are you crying?'

'Y-yes.'

'Honey, what's wrong?' my dad asked as he ran to me to pull me tight.

'I'm so sad,' I whispered. 'I'm in so much pain.'

'Sweetie, what happened?'

'I was talking to someone on the internet and told him what happened to me in the past. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't know what I feel anymore.'

'You're feeling sadness,' my dad said as he kissed my forehead.

'I'm so sad,' I whispered.

My dad grabbed my hand and led me to my bed. 'Go to sleep.'

'George,' I whispered as I pointed to my PC.

My dad didn't understand and ran his hand through my hair to make me fall asleep. I couldn't stop crying because of the intense sadness I suddenly felt. Even though my parents had always abused me, I loved them like a kid around the age of five mostly loves their parents.

Just as I thought they wanted to be sweet to me, they kicked me out. They just let a five year old boy sleep in the forest for three days, left to die.

I couldn't even describe how much I wished to have died there.

1054 words