My Reason To Live

8

Warnings:
-Self harm/blood (stitches)

Clay's POV

I was staring in front of me, looking at my PC shining its light into my room. For some reason I didn't even feel like gaming today, I felt so incredibly empty and numb that I needed to forget about it.

TW self harm/blood

I didn't feel like gaming anymore and stood up to grab my knife again. When I felt this extremely empty, I always ended up cutting and hurting myself to feel something.

I pulled off my shirt and started cutting my skin again, leaving at least twenty deep and bleeding cuts. The emptiness was stronger than the pain and for some reason my mind turned off. I kept cutting myself until I felt lightheaded.

I looked at my trousers where my arms were resting on and it was covered with blood, just like my arms were.

TW self harm over

I still felt so empty that it almost seemed like I felt hopelessness. I couldn't tell if I was actually feeling hopeless or if I just really wanted the emptiness to stop.

I kept staring in front of me, but felt all colour disappear from my face. I knew that if I would stand up now, I would definitely pass out so I ended up grabbing my phone to text my dad.

You
hlep

I was aware of the mistake, but my arms were hurting so badly that I didn't manage to type normal sentences anymore.

I heard my dad stand up downstairs and I could hear the door to the stair open. Hasty footsteps were hearable on the stairs and I waited for them to be upstairs. I stared at my door and heard my dad grab the knob once he got upstairs.

The door opened slowly and my dad came in with a lot of bandages in his hands already. 'I thought so,' he whispered as he saw my arms.

He knelt down in front of me and wrapped the bandages around my arms with a soft sigh. 'We're going to the hospital. Maybe put on some different trousers.'

'Don't feel like it.'

'Clay, please. I know you don't care about much, but it will make others upset.'

'I don't care, they can be happy that they feel shit.'

My dad had tears in his eyes as he stood up. 'Can you please put on some different trousers?'

I rolled my eyes. 'Fine, how do you ever think I will love you when you act like this?'

'I'm sorry,' my dad whispered.

I quickly put on some new trousers and stood up slowly so I wouldn't pass out. My dad held me tightly so I wouldn't fall down the stairs and just gave my mum a short look, having her immediately know what was wrong.

I stepped into the car and my dad smiled. 'What's your favourite song? I will put it on for you.'

'I don't have a favourite song, I just listen to hardcore when I'm gaming.'

'Okay,' my dad muttered quietly. 'Would you like to go to the city together sometime? Or an amusement park!'

'No.'

'The zoo?' my dad almost whispered.

'No.'

'Okay, that's fine. Is there something you would like to do together? We can go to the cinema?'

'Don't feel like it.'

'Would you like me to install one of the games you play? You can try to teach me since I'm not very good at video games.'

I was quiet for a little and then shrugged. 'Maybe.'

'Would you like that? It's almost the weekend, we can do it on Saturday?'

'Okay,' I muttered. If he really wanted to do something with me, then I would want it to be gaming. I wasn't going anywhere other than my room with him.

'Are you feeling okay? If you feel like passing out, tell me please.'

'I'm fine,' I yelled as I rolled my eyes.

My dad nodded slowly and drove to the hospital in silence. I went to the emergency room again and another doctor came to stitch my arms this time. He looked at me over his glasses and smiled shortly.

'I see in your dossier that this is the fourth time this week and around the fiftieth time in your life. I think it's better if you seek mental help, because every time you are here you're in danger again. Do you also have suicidal thoughts?'

'Yes.'

'I think it might be better to go to a mental hospital for a while so they can help you to stop cutting yourself.'

I stood up. 'No, bye.'

'I'm not done yet, I need to bandage your arms.'

'Don't talk to me then before you're done. You should be fired, you suck at your job too. Everyone here sucks for some reason, why can't you just shut your mouth and do what you're here for.'

'Clay, I think it's better if you're quiet for now,' my dad said as he made me sit down again.

The doctor didn't say anything and bandaged my arms. 'It's done,' he muttered.

I stood up without saying anything and walked back to the car to sit in it in an uncomfortable silence. My dad was trying to have a conversation with me, but I either ignored him or he gave up before even saying his sentence.

After a while he looked at me and smiled shortly. 'Can you remember that I'll always love you?'

I didn't reply and stared in front of me. I wished to love him, but I couldn't.

'I know you feel like this because of your past, but I want you to know that we do love you, no matter what happened back then. I would never do such a thing.'

I just stared as I listened to his voice.

'Of course I wished for you to seek help, but I guess I have to let that go and leave that up to you. I just want you to know that I do love you even when they didn't.'

I started biting my teeth on each other really strongly and gritted them after. 'Stop.'

'I'm sorry, I just wanted to let you know that.'

I didn't say anything anymore and stared for the rest of the ride just at my feet.

1045 words