My Reason To Live

34

Extra update around 9 :D

Warnings:
-Mentions suicide attempt (overdose)
-Mentions eating disorder
-Mentions self harm

Clay's POV

I had constantly been crying and at one point the other random boy who was here smiled at me and sat next to me.

'I'm Sapnap,' he said as he stuck out his hand to me.

'I'm Clay,' I muttered, looking down at my hands. When I went home I ended up cutting myself again. This time I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to hurt people again.

'This is maybe a stupid question, but are you the boy George kissed with?'

'Yeah,' I mumbled. 'He's my boyfriend.'

'I'm his friend,' Sapnap said.

I smiled shortly and I pulled my legs up, silently staring in front of me. 'Why does everything bad have to happen to George and me? I don't even know how to deal with it anymore,' I muttered.

'You can talk about it.'

'My parents left me alone on the streets in a different country. I haven't felt any emotions in years and cut myself to feel things. Now I'm still addicted to cutting myself and I relapsed really badly, but didn't tell anyone.'

Sapnap stared down at my arms. 'Are you save? Is it too deep?'

'It is really deep, but I don't want stitches again. I really don't want this anymore, I hate how my arms look. I don't think George finds me beautiful anymore. Everyone always finds me creepy.'

I was so incredibly broken by everything that happened to me and all the emotions I hadn't felt in years seemed to hit me at once.

Sapnap noticed I was trying not to cry and scooted closer to me, hugging me. 'You can cry about it, that's understandable and fine.'

The next hour the room was just filled with my loud sobs as I cried all my pain out. Sapnap held me tightly and it meant a lot to me that he was here for me.

Only when a nurse came in to tell us George was awake again, I stopped crying. I stood up and basically ran to George's room.

'Clay,' he whispered with a faint smile. He seemed really tired and grabbed my hand. 'Hug?'

'Can I lay next to him?' I asked the nurse.

'Yes, but be careful.'

I nodded and crawled next to him in his bed, hugging him carefully. I ran my hand through his hair and kissed his face, telling him how much I loved him.

'Clay?' George whispered. His face was really pale and I kissed his cheek again.

'Yes?'

'Have you been okay after yesterday?'

I didn't want to lie to him so I stared at my hands without replying. Luckily Sapnap, Jason and George's dad were talking and not paying attention to us.

'How much did you cut?' George muttered as he kissed my cheek very softly.

'A lot,' I whispered. 'I didn't want to hurt people with it.'

'Can I be alone with you?' George asked me with a soft voice.

I looked up at everyone and George repeated his question. People understood and they left us alone. Once we were sure we were alone, George pulled my hoodie off and unwrapped the bandages around my arms. He looked at all the new cuts in my arms and smiled at me.

'I'm glad that you were honest to me,' he said as he started kissing my cuts. 'Clay? If I seek help for everything that has been going on, will you seek help too?'

'I want to, but I also don't want to lose control.'

'You're addicted to gaming and self harm, Clay. You will get help for all underlying causes too.'

'And you'll seek help for anorexia and the other things?'

'Anorexia? Do I actually have that?'

'You do,' I said as I kissed his face again.

'But people with anorexia are severely underweight.'

'You're underweight.'

'But not severely.'

'It's about what's going on in your head. I don't have the urge to starve myself all day so I can lose weight.'

We both agreed with the fact we needed help and George looked down at my lips. 'Can we kiss until they come back?'

'They might walk in,' I giggled.

'As long as you keep your clothes on,' George said with a shy giggle.

'You never know with me. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Depends on what you do to me.'

George giggled and rolled his eyes, pressing his lips on mine. I closed my eyes and we enjoyed our lips against each other's for a while, then slowly moving them in sync.

I let George take the lead so he could decide how much he could take right now, but he ended up deepening the kiss. I accepted it happily and rolled more on top of him, not putting pressure on his body.

We continued the kiss just as long as it took for everyone to come back. Jason and George's dad seemed to be used to it by now and Sapnap giggled.

'Is this what I'm going to have to deal with from now on?' he asked.

'Yes,' George said with a playful sigh. 'But for real, this is Clay. He's my boyfriend and the boy on that video that everyone spread.'

Sapnap giggled. 'I'm going to tease you both for years with your hickeys.'

'Oh goodness, shut up,' George said with a smile. 'Are you okay with this, though?'

'Of course I am. Do you think I expected you to be straight or something? Because for the record, I absolutely didn't.'

'It wasn't that obvious,' George tried to defend himself.

'You're less straight than a circle,' Sapnap laughed.

George laughed shortly and I giggled as I kissed his face. 'By the way, dad,' George said. 'I decided to seek help.'

'I'm really glad,' he said with a smile. 'I'll call around to see what help you can get.'

'I'm sorry for showing my scars,' I whispered as I suddenly felt George's dad stare at them. I grabbed a hoodie, but Sapnap stopped me.

'Those scars are part of you and I don't want you to hide them.'

I smiled and got shy so I cuddled up with George.

'He's happy,' George giggled as I hid my face.

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