My Reason To Live

3

Warnings:
-Mentions death family member
-Disordered eating behaviour
-Body dysmorphia

George's POV

I stared at my body in the mirror with tears streaming down my face. As long as I could grab my fat, I wasn't thin enough. Even if it was just one gram, it was too much fat and I really didn't want it anymore.

I let a faint sigh leave my body and kept staring at myself in the mirror, grabbing some sweats to pull back on, leaving me in my bare chest. I started outlining my bones which weren't visible in the slightest. I was way too fat till the point it got disgusting.

I ended up pulling my shirt back on and wiped my tears away as I walked back to the living room. Was there no easy way at all to get thinner quickly? There must have been something, right?

I had always lived in a family with pretty thin people and I wasn't fat either, but it did feel like I was. I had been insecure about myself since I was a very young boy, but once my mother passed away, my whole life seemed to fall apart.

I loved my dad and he was really sweet to me, but I wanted to be perfect for him. My body image got worse after that and I didn't want to be the fat son of my father. He only had me and my older brother, I couldn't make a fool of myself by being that fat son and brother.

I grabbed my phone and was about to google some things as my brother walked into the living room too. He looked at me and smiled.

'How are you today, Gogy?' he said with a smile, knowing I hated that name, but still found it kind of funny when he used it.

I rolled my eyes and muffled a laugh. 'I'm okay.'

'Mhm,' he said. 'I don't believe that, Gogy.'

'Okay, Jashy.'

'Oh gosh, never called me that again.'

'What? Jason, Jashy, pretty similar to Gogy,' I said with a small smile.

He rolled his eyes and sighed as he fell down on the couch next to me. 'But George, you can always talk to me, you know that right?'

I didn't reply and looked down at my hands. They were resting on my legs and I just felt myself getting nauseous when I saw my legs on the couch. I was so incredibly fat and it made me so insecure that I pulled my legs up to hide my thighs.

'George, did you cry?'

'No,' I whispered, being aware of my incredibly insecure and lying voice.

'You're eyes are red and puffy. Is it mum?'

I shrugged. I wished I was a good talker and I just wished for myself to tell him everything, but I really couldn't. I never spoke about my emotions because I didn't know how to, I always ended up hiding it while trying to solve it myself.

Unfortunately, my low self esteem only got worse the longer I kept hiding it and how much I wanted to ask for help, I didn't manage to.

'Why did you cry, George?' my brother asked me, knowing I didn't like talking and wouldn't tell him anything by myself.

'It's nothing,' I muttered as I hid my hands in my sleeves so I wouldn't see my wrists. I despised my whole body for being this fat.

'Did you harm yourself?' my brother yelled out as soon as I hid my arms.

'No, I didn't self harm.'

'Can you show me? I'm worried now.'

I sighed and lifted my sleeves to show him my arms. I wanted to cry because of the amount of fat that got revealed now, but my brother grabbed my wrist, wrapping his fingers around it like he was holding a stick.

'You have thin wrists,' he said, wrapping his fingers around his wrist after. 'Yeah, you have really thin wrists.'

'Don't be so silly, I'm everything but thin.'

Jason frowned. 'Do you think you're fat?'

I didn't reply and just stared in front of me, avoiding looking at my body.

'George, do you think you're too heavy? Because I can guarantee you that I'm at least twenty pounds heavier than you.'

'You're also five inches taller than me,' I said with an annoyed look.

'Do you actually believe that you're fat?' he asked me with a confused look. 'I know you're really insecure, but I thought you understood that you are really thin.'

'Stop, it's making me uncomfortable. I've never said that I think I'm too fat, but I don't think I'm thin either.'

'Fine, I'll stop talking about it if you're uncomfortable. Do you want some tea?'

'Yeah,' I muttered. 'Tea would be nice.'

'Okay, sugar?'

'No!' I yelled a little bit too fast. It caused my brother to frown again, but when I quickly looked away he ended up ignoring it and went to the kitchen to make me some tea.

While he was gone, I started looking on the internet again for tips and help to lose weight and preferably fast too. I ended up on a site which was full of tips, images of extremely thin people, a chat with thousands of people and diets along with workouts and lists of calories.

It interested me a lot and I clicked away as fast as possible when my brother came back. I would look tonight when I was alone in my room again.

Jason frowned because of my sudden movement but handed me the tea. 'There you go, enjoy your tea.'

'Thanks, you too,' I muttered as I very slowly and carefully sipped my tea.

Jason was looking a bit at my phone, which was closed, and looked back at me. 'Did you hide something for me?'

'No, just a message from Sapnap.'

He nodded slowly and left it like that, drinking his tea too.

We sat on the couch till dinner time and my dad ordered pizza since he was working late. I ended up eating one slice of the pizza and lied about me feeling nauseous. Jason gave me a weird look, but my dad nodded and told me to go to sleep if I wasn't feeling okay.

I immediately left upstairs to look on the site again.

1044 words