My Reason To Live

28

Warnings:
-Eating disorder behaviour
-Body dysmorphia
-Self harm/blood

Clay's POV

George and I cuddled on his bed for hours while he was asleep. I sometimes gently kissed his face as I thought back about today. I had been scared George thought I was just doing this all for fun and sex, but that was far from what I actually wanted. I just loved to cuddle with him and be together as a couple.

I smiled as I looked at him, proud he was mine and kissed his face again. He started waking up and squeezed his eyes as he looked up at me. 'Clay,' he said with a smile.

'Hi,' I replied, kissing his lips short and gently. 'Did you sleep well?'

'Yes,' he mumbled. He kissed my jaw and smiled. 'Did you have to go home?'

'I waited for you to wake up.'

'Thank you,' George whispered.

I smiled and sat back up, kissing his face. 'I think I'm going home now before my parents get worried.'

'Okay,' George said with a cute smile.

I covered his face with kisses and giggled. 'You're so cute.'

George smiled and his stomach started making sounds.

'Are you hungry, Georgie? Do you want me to stay with you when you eat something small?'

'But I'm fat, Clay. I don't deserve food.'

'Georgie, come with me.'

George nodded and we stood up to stand in front of the mirror. I lifted my shirt and then his, pointing at his ribs. 'You can't see mine.'

'But I don't see mine either.'

'That's body dysmorphia,' I said. I grabbed his rib and pointed at his hipbones. 'I can see your bones, George.'

He was quiet and looked at his hands. 'Do you find me ugly?'

'No, you're gorgeous, but I still encourage you to get healthier.'

'I can eat an apple?'

'If you want to, I would be really proud.'

George ended up eating his apple and I left to go home after that. Once I got home an intense feelings of sadness ruined my happy mood.

I sat down on my chair and had no idea what was going on, but I started crying and felt like I was getting crushed because of the pain.

I was so happy when I was with George and I missed him so much that I could only cry. The feeling of sadness was so incredibly overwhelming that I needed it to stop.

TW self harm/blood

I grabbed my knives and put them on my skin, putting a lot of pressure on it. With another tear dropping down my face, I pulled the knife closer to my body. A stream of blood dripped down from the really deep wound and I made another, and another, and another.

I only stopped when my arms hurt so much that the pain inside was gone. Unfortunately the pain came back and memories from my parents came up in my head. I started crying even harder than before and thought about George getting bullied, me having no friends and being seen as a stupid weirdo.

TW self harm over

I cried so loudly that my dad ran into my room and got startled by my severely bleeding arms. 'Clay, honey. I would really love to sit with you to comfort you, but you need to go to the hospital right away.'

I didn't reply and my dad grabbed some bandages to tightly wrap them around my wounds.

'Come here, honey. We are going to the hospital and in the car you can talk to me.'

I nodded slowly and stood up, almost falling down because I was so lightheaded. My dad kept me standing and helped me go to the car, telling my mum shortly what happened.

Once we sat in the car, my dad looked at me and smiled. 'You can talk to me, sweetie.'

'I'm so sad,' I whispered. 'I was so intensely happy when I was with George today and I really miss him. Next to that I had flashbacks to my parents, George gets bullied at school and I feel alone without him. I don't have any friends at school. One boy was nice to me, but still. I just want a friend.'

'What happened to George, sweetie?'

'It makes me so sad to know he's going through such a crap time. He's struggling with an eating disorder and got groomed. Now pictures of him are getting spread everywhere and he gets bullied a lot. I just don't know what to do, it must be so terrible for him.'

'You can't do more than be there when he needs someone to talk to. Are you a couple?'

'Yes,' I muttered. 'It hurts to see him in pain.'

'I think it's best if he moves schools, Clay. This bullying isn't going to stop.'

'But his dad doesn't know anything about it.'

'Let him tell this to his dad at his own time and don't rush him. Though, he needs to realise that it's better to move schools and do his year again if he doesn't pass.'

'He has been skipping school for weeks and went back to immediately get bullied again. I just try to be there for him, but I'm so overwhelmed with everything. It may sound weird, but I experience sexual feelings when I never ever felt happiness. I just don't know what to do with everything going on and ended up cutting myself.'

'It takes some time to realise what it all means. Just listen to your feelings, but don't act like them. If you feel sadness, it doesn't mean you have to cut. You can cry and talk about it.'

I sighed and nodded slowly. 'Thanks.'

We ended up going to the hospital. All my cuts needed to be stitched, but luckily my cast could be taken off in a few days.

When I got home again, my dad smiled at me and grabbed my hand. 'Can you game?'

'I think so,' I muttered.

'What if we play a game with George? Is he online?'

'I can ask him. Can I call with him?'

'Of course, I'd love to meet him. Can I play with you?'

'Yeah,' I said with a shy smile. 'Thank you.'

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