My Reason To Live

24

Warnings:
-Panic attack without any details
-Eating disorder behaviour
-Mentions grooming
-Short bullying

George's POV

Even after I fell out in class, no one left me alone. Everyone kept laughing at me. Only Sapnap didn't. He sat next to me during the break and looked at me, grabbing my hand.

'George, can we talk about what happened?'

I sighed softly. 'Fine. What do you want to know?'

'What happened, just everything you want to tell me.'

I stared at my hands and took a deep breath. 'I guess I just find myself too fat so I started losing weight, but it didn't work so I decided to ask for help on a site for people with anorexia.'

Sapnap's face was shocked, but he kept quiet and let me speak.

'I got in contact with someone who acted like an eighteen year old boy, trying to help me lose weight fast. I promised him to listen so I would lose weight and he manipulated me into sending pictures of myself without clothes.' My voice got quieter and weaker every extra sentence I said.

Sapnap held my hand tightly and smiled softly so I would feel comfortable enough to continue.

'He swore at me for a really long time and it made me feel so weak and insecure that I ended up taking a picture of myself. When I sent one, he told me it didn't matter anymore since he had already seen me and I guess I agreed and sent him more pictures.'

I swallowed my tears away and bit the inside of my cheek.

'He was really mean to me and told me I was the grossest person alive. He made me feel so insecure and a minute later I figured out he was a forty-five year old man.'

'I'm so sorry, George.'

'I feel so disgusting. He is just touching himself while looking at my body and I feel so guilty and gross. I hate myself for what I did and everyone around me thinks I'm just out for sex. I only touched myself like that once and I'm even more uncomfortable with him doing such things with my pictures now I know how it feels and what happens.'

Sapnap didn't find me weird at all and pulled me closer to his body. 'George, I want you to know that you're not in the wrong. You got manipulated while you're in a very weak mental situation at the moment. He's wrong for asking for pictures of a young boy.'

I smiled shortly. 'Thank you.'

'To make this all a bit happier. Who is that boy, huh?' he said with a giggle.

I immediately blushed brightly and grabbed my phone. 'It's Clay.'

I showed Sapnap a picture of him and smiled brightly.

'I'm sorry for not telling you about him, but we didn't meet too long ago and we only kissed yesterday.'

'Cute,' Sapnap giggled as he saw my red face. 'It seems like you had a great time.'

'Shut up, I knew I would get so many problems with those stupid hickeys.'

Sapnap laughed loudly and I rolled my eyes, laying my phone on the table as the screen lit up. I stared at it and saw it was a message from my current coach.

Coach
You still weigh way too much. Do you want to lose weight quicker? Because if so, we could meet up and I'll give you pills. I can also leave them at a spot so you can get them.

I immediately turned my phone off and let it slide down in my pocket, noticing Sapnap was staring at it with a frown. He didn't comment on the message, but then looked at me.

'Have you been starving, George?'

'It's not that bad,' I mumbled. 'I'm just losing a bit of weight.'

'I think you lost more than "a bit". Have you had a normal meal?'

'I'd rather not eat much.'

'You're really thin, George,' Sapnap said with a serious tone in his voice.

I didn't reply and sighed softly as I suddenly heard someone behind me. I got tapped on my shoulder, causing me to turn around.

'Hey George, I have a surprise for you. I think it's fair for your parents to know you're trading your nudes for sex. I think it's best if I go to them as fast as possible. I'll also tell him that you've actually met up with a guy for sex.'

My face heated up and I felt tears stinging in my eyes. Sapnap glared at the boy and pushed him away.

'Just leave him alone, dumbass. You aren't telling his parents anything.'

The boy giggled and walked off. I felt so restless that I stood up and started running away without knowing where to go.

Tears started streaming down my face since it felt like I wasn't allowed to have anything good happen to me. If my dad would ever get to know that I sent those pictures and made out with a boy, I would just be dead.

I was so incredibly sad that I let myself fall down on a bench next to my house after I ran for minutes. I was crying my eyes out and grabbed my phone to text Clay.

George
hlrp

Clay was online right away and started typing.

Clay
What's wrong? Are you alright?

George
painc atak

Clay
I'm going to call you

He immediately called me and turned his camera on with a smile. 'Hi! It's me,' he said in a very cute way. 'Can you copy me?'

He started breathing slowly but loud and I did my best to copy him. 'I wish I could hold you,' he said. 'I've missed you a lot today.'

I smiled and it took me ten more minutes to fully calm down. Clay just talked to me all that time and smiled. 'You're calmer! Are you okay?'

'I am better, thank you.'

'I love you,' Clay said shyly. 'You can always talk to me.'

'I love you too,' I whispered with a smile. 'Can I maybe tell you what happened? It's going to take me a lot to do so, but I think you need to know.'

'Okay, you can. I do have school, is it alright if we do this after school when I'm alone in my room?'

'Yes,' I said with a smile. 'Thank you.'

1053 words