Broken but not Destroyed

disappointment like clockwork

It's new years day and it has happened again. I don't know if I'm prophetic and can predict the future or am living in my own self-fulfilling prophecy, but somehow significant events are best for being made known to be a disappointment in my family's eyes. This time simply because my mother perceived that I had not checked in on her wellbeing when she was sick.

I tried to be the bigger person, exhibit grace and start the year fresh by wishing her and thanking her for all she's done for me, also clarifying light heartedly that I had asked how she was on the day itself - where she was groggy and responding that she's better - and even the day after what had happened. But she remained convinced that I, am a horrible and uncaring daughter, who doesn't do anything for the family, but would do things for outsiders.

What stings even more is that she has made my sister and my father side with her, saying they feel the same way about me. Rather than having faith in my character, she chooses to see me as selfish, entitled and uncaring. She bitches about me to my sister and my father, who both support her and don't dare tell her off even if her narratives are toxic.

It says a lot that my father has to come to me, and tell me to be the bigger person, saying my mother is "just like that".

At this stage, there's really nothing I can do. I tried to say that I did check on her but nope, I'm always in the wrong. It's her perspective over mine. Whatever she believes, has to be the truth.

She keeps saying I care more about people outside. Firstly, my job is a therapist. I have to even if I don't want to. Secondly, I care most for children because the way I treat them is a reflection of how I wished and still wish to be treated. I'm not going above and beyond to treat them well, I'm treating them the way children should be seen and heard by an adult, something I have never received from her.

She doesn't even want to listen, if I try to explain this.

Everyone shows and wants to receive love in different ways. It took me a while to understand her love language was acts of service, and that was only
made known to me in therapy. I tried since then to do things for the family - buying groceries, food, cooking, running errands, but none of this is seen or appreciated by them. When I was younger, the burden I placed on them was my academics and they were afraid I wouldn't be independent. Well that has completely changed. At 25, I've anchored a job, am doing well, going to pursue further studies and running my own startup. Why? To further reduce the financial and emotional burden on them, and hoping that would make them proud, and I would be seen.

But rather than admitting she doesn't show appreciation to me, she instead says I've not done enough. Correction - I've not done anything at all.

It's painfully clear, that she's playing favourites. Praising my sister to make me feel bad, only telling ME off if we have a fight, and worse of all, not even encouraging my sister to think positively of me, when I've done the MOST for her.

You're disappointed in me? That's no longer a surprise.  I don't think you should be surprised either, that I feel the same about you.