I am looking directly at my computer's screen while my swivel chair is moving side to side, hawak ko rin ang ballpen ko at patuloy na pinipindot. Di ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko, saya? lungkot? o pagsisisi? either with the three I don't know.
I just recieved a letter that Nikkolai was transferred to America. I think that, that's better for him because every time I see him around, I got anxious and at the same time many what if's starts circulating inside my head. But there's also this part of me that I feels sad and empty. Nikkolai have been so good to me, habang ako, patuloy ko siyang tinataboy dahil natatakot ako, natatakot akong sumugal but he still stayed, doon palang di ko na siya deserve. He deserve someone better, at hindi ako 'yon.
Beside, we don't have that special story to begin it, maybe we do not really belong to each other, sa una palang alam ko ng imposible ito.
Napatigil ako sa pag iisip nang biglang bumukas ang pinto ko. I glared at Nika.
"Sorry for not knocking future sister in law!" nakangising saad nito.
"Nika ibabagsak talaga kita sa evaluation." pabirong pagbabanta ko pero parang di manalang siya natinag.
"Ibagsak niyo narin po ako sa kapatid niyo." she even giggled.
Binato ko siya ng highlighter! Aba."Landi landi mo yung pasyenteng may aneurysm kumusta na?"
"By the way, ito po yung report." saad niya at inabot sa akin ang hawak na chart.
"May sakit din ito sa puso diba?" tanong ko habang binabasa ang report.
"Opo."
"Anong sabi sa Cardio? tanong ko ulit.
"Pupunta daw po mamaya si Dr. De Guzman dito para idiscuss." sagot niya kaya tumango ako bago binalik ang record sa kanya.
My life just went like that, I focused more on my work, patients after patients, surgeries and deaths, I never feel exhausted anymore dahil parang nasanay na ang katawan ko. I'm barely living, sa ospital na ako namalagi.
And just a blink of an eye, six months already passed by since the day Nikkolai left again.
I was resting inside my office, I just came from a complicated surgery, it's stressing me dahil hindi matigil ang pagdurugo ng isang parte sa utak niya, we only put gauze to prevent the patient from losing more blood but we can't just do that forever, well, we already expected that to happen, the survival rate is very low but the family was so desperate to save him so we gave it a try, kung di 'yon titigil mamayang gabi we can't continue the surgery because the blood is blocking the tumor, mahihirapan kami.
My phone beep kaya agad ko 'yon kinuha sa bulsa ng scrub na suot ko. It's an unknown number, and also an international number. I clicked it to view the message.
unknown number: Hi Doc! It's me, Krystal, I just want to ask if you're free tomorrow, kahit 10 minutes lang, may sasabihin lang sana ako.
Agad akong napabalikwas sa kama nang mabasa ko ang pangalan ni Krystal, I quickly replied 'yes' without even thinking twice, all I want now is to see her, it's been six years already when I last saw her, she just leave a simple message before leaving tapos wala na, even all her social media account was deactivated, I was so worried but I don't know how to reach her, pati sila Lauren wala ding Idea, and the worst, months after she left, sumunod naman si Hans, ni wala man lang paalam.
I went inside the ER again when one of my resident called me, the patient is having a cardiac arrest. When I arrive inside, my resident is already performing a CPR.
I looked at the monitor and the line already went straight.
Pawisan na bumaba sa kama si John.
I patted his back because he's about to cry."It's okay, it happens, you did your best."
After informing the family and giving our respect ay umalis na kami to give them some privacy and time to mourn.
Kinaumagahan ay kinita ko si Krystal sa cafeteria ng ospital, nasa entrance pa lang ako ay kita ko na siya, she also saw me fast kaya kinawayan niya ako. She looks prettier now, her short hair have grown so long, itim na itim din ito, her face become more mature.
I immediately hug her once I reached the table."I miss you Krystal!"
"I miss you too Li." she said in between our hugs.
"Alam mo bang sobrang worried kami sayo, bigla ka nalang nawala." i started while waiting for our coffee.
"I'm sorry, it's just things happen." nakayukong saad niya kaya hinwakan ko ang mga kamay niya.
"It's okay, as long as you're okay now, we understand, I understand." malumanay na sabi ko, I can see that she's on the urge of crying but she stop it from happening.
"Thank you." mahinang saad niya.
Just then our coffee arrived. We chatted more until I remember that she's going to tell me something pala.
"By the way, ano pala yung sasabihin mo?" I asked.
Parang nagising naman siya sa katotohanan.
"Oo nga pala, I nearly forgot it, ikaw kasi." she said laughing before she turned into a serious one kaya pati ako ay napawi ang ngiti sa labi, I felt nervous for no reason.
"It's about Nikkolai." she started.
Pangalan palang, nakakakaba na.
"I want a honest answer Li, ako na kasi ang nahihirapan sa inyo eh." pagpapatuloy niya.
Lumunok naman ako bago tumango. Still, unable to talk.
"Do you love him? minahal mo ba siya? I know I asked you this before but how about now?" deritsyong tanong niya.
Umiwas naman ako ng tingin, di ko alam kong anong isasagot ko, my lips won't part to talk.
"Li..."
Tumingin ulit ako sa kanya at ngumiti ng tipid." If yes, would that change anything?"
"He just regained his memory yesterday." she answered instead. I am dumbfounded, di ko alam ang mararamdaman ko, di ko alam ang sasabihin ko, my eyes still remained at Krystal.
Kinuha niya ang bag niya at may nilabas doon na papel, dalawa ito, one was just a piece of paper and something was written on it the other one was a plane ticket?
I looked at her confused.
"That's his address in the U.S, you're ready to go if you want. Nikkolai needs you, the decision is on you." with that she left me with a smile.
Tinitigan ko ang mga papel sa lamesa at dahan dahan itong kinuha. I read the address.
Bumuntong hininga ako.
He's been chasing me all the time, it's time for me to chase him too.
—🌻
