All Because of This (a.i. m.c.)

all because of goodbyes (michael)

hi. it's march 22nd. a depressing day for the mcr fandom.

this is similarly written to the previous chapter in aspects like it's similar to what a normal chapter would look like. stay tuned for the next update because there's gonna be some fun shit.

also; shit goes down in this chapter, and it will continue to go down for about 4 more. #sorrynotsorry

THANK YOU FOR THE THOUSAND READS I LOVE YOU ALL

trigger warning: suicide, major suicide warning

***

goodbye.

such a terrible thing. instead of saying hello, starting fresh, being happy, learning new things, you're saying goodbye, signifying the end of whatever you may be doing. whether it's saying goodbye to your friends at the end of the school year, or goodbye to your past, or even goodbye to the life you're living, all of them have some sort of impact on us. and more often than not, they end up hurting us.

i was sitting on my bed, criss-cross applesauce. i had my phone in my hand, my laptop next to me. i had spent hours on the computer drafting this email (since early this morning), and when i was ready, i was going to let it fly through cyber-space. through the networks, off the satellites, in thin air this code of zeros and ones would fly, until it reached the inbox of a certain someone. there it would decode itself, reveling the letters that i had pieced together to construct what would be a heartbreaking letter. at least, i thought it would be heartbreaking for him.

this voice in the back of my head kept saying, "he doesn't care about you. this email will make him overjoyed. send it. just hit send." i felt my hand inch towards the laptop when i immediately pulled it back, clutching it to my chest. "no," i stated out loud, stopping the voices from saying anymore. "i will send it when i'm ready." they seemed to like this, not saying anything else in reply. i was happy with the momentary peace.

i looked down as i felt my phone spasm in my hands, i had another text from cal. we were having a nice conversation, and i told him how much he meant to me last night. now all that was left was the terrible goodbye, which i couldn't bring myself to do yet. i needed to get ready.

i sent cal a quick reply, having already told him i was doing homework as my excuse for my lack of in depth answers. he had laughed at that, agreeing with me that homework sucked the life out of everyone. i had my spotify account up, turning on my sad playlist that i loved although it could be heartbreaking. i looked at the laptop with tears burning in my eyes as "not about angles" by birdy came on. i sucked in a harsh breath and turned to my relatively blank wall that i was going to decorate with my thoughts and desires, my love and a smear of my hatred.

i had come up with this idea yesterday, deciding that i should leave a little bit more of myself for all to see. i started with index cards that i had littered with quotes from songs, people who i loved, people who i didn't know, and even some of my friends. the first quote that went in the exact middle of the wall was where the rest branched out, each connecting with its surroundings. the center was my own quote, the one that would be the center of the large 'x'. i used a regular sheet of paper, the quote written in my best handwriting in red sharpee:

"it's hard to gather roses when their thorns tear you apart from the outside in."

the next few quotes were: "the person that'd you take a bullet for is behind the trigger" and "i've got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, what a catch" by fall out boy; "oh memories! where'd you go? you're all i've ever known!" and "'cause these words are knives that often leave scars, the fear of falling apart" by panic! at the disco; "keep forgetting to remember where we've been is who we are" and "but they tore me apart like a hurricane, a handful of moments i wish i could change, but i was carried away" by all time low; "we are broken, what must we do to restore" and "let the pain remind you that hearts can heal" by paramore; "i hope you know that if you say goodbye today, i'd ask you to be true, 'cause the hardest part of this is leaving you" and "well, i'm not okay, i'm not o-fucking-kay" by my chemical romance; and a bunch of others from bands and their members. calum had a few up there, including "you, pizza, candy, the internet; the necessities of life" (which of course was said before talking to luke) and a few others that were humours but heartfelt.

i placed the quotes up carefully, and i stepped back to admire my work. it was a pretty even 'x', and for that i was proud. i started the next part of my work, fitting the posters of bands, tv shows, movies, and actors in between the space. with the last few blank spaces, i taped up a few of my poems, and a few of my lyrics, leaving the wall to be completely covered. satisfied with my work, i moved on.

next were to grab the things i would need. i strided to the bathroom, grabbing two bottles of sleeping pills. i was an insomniac, so getting my hands on these were simple. i walked back to my room, where the deed would be done. i sat on my bed again, placing the pills on the table beside me. i looked at the computer, tears flooding in my eyes. i couldn't bring myself to do anything at this time, my body was paralyzed as i felt the tears well in my eyes.

"one pill will help you relax. start with one." i shakily picked up the bottle, opening it up and grabbing a pill from inside, swallowing it dry. next thing i knew i had already swallowed 10. my thoughts had stopped racing, and i just wanted to curl up and sleep. but i couldn't yet.

"no good in goodbye" by the script started blaring from my speakers. i laughed a little, and by that i mean i giggled furiously, because there was a good in goodbye, and i was living it. i was living the good in goobye. it was great. i reached back for the bottle when i realized it was empty. i didn't remember taking all of those. i also didn't remember starting to film my experience, apparently as some kind of note.

"i'm guessing this was supposed to be a note, but I don't remember. well, i guess i should say this," i said, my head feeling foggy. "i- i- i love you ashton. i love you so fucking much," i was sobbing hysterically, "and i don't want to leave you but-" i had worked the cap off of the other bottle and i swallowed half of its contents. staring down at it, i started to think.

"i- i- i don't want to go anymore!" i cried out. "but it's too damn late. and i do want to go, i'm tired of suffering!" i threw the bottle of pills, watching as they scattered across the floor and the bottle rolled under my desk.

sighing, i hit the send button on the email, watching it to make sure it sent. i then typed out a quick text to calum, saying goodbye, knowing that he'll figure it all out later. i ended the video and closed my laptop, moving it to the desk. i then curled up on top of my bed, the stuffed polar bear that calum had given me clutched in my arms, a warm blanket my mother gave me for my birthday covering me.

as i lay there silently, i tried to think, ask myself questions. however, the drugged state of my mind wasn't cooperating with me. one question surface in my poor brain, one question i couldn't answer;

do you really want to go?

i would have tried to find an answer if my lungs weren't so desperate for air, their lack of ability to move making it difficult. I couldn't even move my arm anymore, my trials becoming harder for less and less results.

i finally gave up to the darkness, allowing it to consume me, allowing it to take over, which set me free.