All Because of This (a.i. m.c.)

all because of friends (calum)

hi friends! *waves frantically*
did you miss me? *sherlock reference nudge nudge wink wink*
you are so fucking lucky i forgot about april fool's day this year. so lucky.

ugh my phone has been shitting the bed and it's breaking more and more and ugh please pray for it (it's the only way i can figure out when someone is going to pick me up from school so it's kinda a necessity.) also my update isn't for months so i have to stick it through 'till the end with the dweeb.

if you couldn't tell this is a really rambly author's not because i'm trying to beat our record (one hundred words away from the "record" back there) of the longest chapter which, i'm pretty sure, was the second skype session and it rounded out at 5353. i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to beat it because a.) bragging rights, and b.) i decided i would awhile ago so i have too. ugh i have a shit ton of work to do, but happy passover, for those of you who celebrate it, and happy easter! have a nice day everyone, remember that i love you even though this is a feelzy chapter. #sorrynotsorry 

(if you missed it, this is in calum's pov.)

(5377 fuck yeah [5380])

trigger warnings; mentions of suicide, self-harm, and depression; hospitals; blood is mentioned once and barely but you know

panic. noise. tears. phone calls. sobs. rushing. rushing of thoughts, rushing of people. worry. anxiety. pain. longing. hope. fear.

i couldn't handle the hospital. i had been sitting in the lobby for about an hour now, fiddling with the hem of my t-shirt. i was sitting in one of the sort of comfortable chairs in the hospital's waiting room. my phone was on my lap, ashton and luke texting me, making sure i was okay and such. of course i wasn't. i was a mess.

my sobs had died long ago, first being replaced by tears streaming down my face, but they slowly stopped, being at the point where a stray tear would caress my cheek every now and then. i watched people come and go, some giving me sympathetic glances, others too absorbed in their own life. i tried to count the gurneys that went by, but i kept zoning out after seventeen when a screaming, bleeding, hysterical man went past me. i kept imagining that man was michael, but he wasn't even close. my best friend had been on a gurney, unmoving, barely breathing, drugged beyond belief, not there at all. maybe he had seen me in his hallucinations, while he was in limbo, always a second from dying, leaving me alone, leaving me to explain everything to everyone, but worse of all, leaving me hurt, broken, torn apart-

"calum?" a tentative voice pulled me out of my thoughts, one i couldn't immediately recognize. i looked up in confusion, seeing their worried face covered in tear stains.

"hi mrs. clifford," i said sadly with a ghost of a smile.

"just call me karen," she reminded me, to which i replied to with a nod. "i'm guessing no news?"

"no. nothing yet. i thought they might tell you though. you are family. i am just a friend." she looked at me sadly, and i watched the tears glisten in her eyes.

"i'm sorry, but i have to ask; how long has he been like this? depressed or suicidal or whatever it is, i mean." i shook my head at her.

"i don't know, i think he told me, but i don't remember. i can't physically remember with everything going on right now. but he finally let me know about a month ago, but probably less. or maybe more. i dunno, i can't think. it's too much. it's all too much." she nodded, wrapping her thin arm around my shoulders in a comforting manner.