All Because of This (a.i. m.c.)

all because of bad news

I've been ill all day today. It was wonderful.

So happy New Years Eve to everyone. Hope it was grand.

Hope the new year brings fortune to all of you!

~Brie

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Triggers: self-harm, bullying, suicidal thoughts

To: ashestoashes@gmail.com

From: cliff_fuckoff_ord@gmail.com

ashton, hi.

bad news.

shit happened. like, shit really went down. these kids at school came after me. i accidentally run into marvin. he's a huge tackle in football. the american kind of football, i mean. he's 6'5'' and weighs at least 250 pounds. me? i'm barely 5'8'' and just over 130 pounds. if you couldn't guess, we're complete opposites. anyway, i ran into him, and he just freaked out. he called me some really awful names and shoved me into the lockers. i ran, and thought i would be fine for the rest of the day. how wrong i was.

he found me later when i was trying to leave, and let's just say he spoke the truth about me, made me realize all the lies that everyone has been telling me. even you, and you didn't strike me as a liar. there's no way that i could possibly be cute. i'm not talented. i'm useless, pathetic. no one really wants me. and before you say you do, you have never met me. you've never seen my disfigurements. never seen how horrible my personality is. you just don't know me.

i was clean after you sent your first email. i heard the notification when you sent it, and i put down the shiny object in my hand out of curiosity. i was clean. i'm not anymore. i'm tainted by my self realization. i have realized who i am and all about me. if i go tonight, the world will spin. the sun will rise. the air will be breathable. life will go on for everyone else. so why shouldn't i?

don't try to support me ashton. don't call me wonderful and cute, don't lie to me about anything else. you haven't met me. you've only seen what i type. i don't keep everything i put in. i delete way more then i should. i'm barely keeping myself from deleting this whole thing and i just can't handle it anymore. my thigh is begging me to stop, my lip still swollen. marvin split it. he kicked me while i was down. he spit at me. he enjoyed it, i saw in his eyes. i understand why.

the world is a cruel place. but think of it like this. the world is a nice, white, satin cloth. everyone who is amazing is like running that cloth through fabric softener, maybe even bleach. people like martin luther king jr., abraham lincoln, even the budah.

there are people like you. people who didn't do anything too great, but didn't fuck with the world. you people just wear it out. beat the cloth up a little, make it rough. but it's nothing a little fabric softener can't handle.

then there are people like marvin. they stain the cloth black with ink basically. it's a lot for the bleach to handle, and it takes a lot of bleach to make the stains fade a tiny bit, which is why the world remains so dark, so cruel.

and then there are people like me. the useless ones. the ones who hurt those around them. by talking to me, you could become a black stain when you should've been the softener. me and my people, we're red. we're blood. our stains don't come out easily. we roughen the fabric. we fuck everyone over as we bleed on the cloth. we ruin the beautiful thing, make it harmful, more than before.

and that's why i don't think i should carry on much longer. who needs another red stain on the once pure cloth?

now i now what you're thinking. how the hell do i save him? tell luke to tell calum? won't work. somehow alert his mother and his school? good fucking luck. get my ass to america and do what i can? heh, that might actually work. but it's the middle of the school year. i don't have a vacation until summer. june 23 to be exact. it's april 25. good fucking luck.

i don't even know if i'll make it that long.

i should go. my mom is home. she suspects something happened, she saw my bruises. i'm just glad i don't slit my wrist anymore. she would've seen the slices.

i guess i'll have to tell her about marvin. it shouldn't be that hard, i mean i told you.

oh, and cal already knew luke was whipped. we all did.

hopefully i'll see you later ashy, hopefuly. but for now goodbye.

michael

p.s. how are you so good at lying? you have barely said any facts about me.