La Pantera

Ch. 42 Farewell Letter

Song for Chapter: Someone's Waiting For You from The Rescuers

I guess I never got to know you well enough. All I thought of you was that you're a reminder of your daddy. I don't even know if I would've kept ya had Daddy lived. I'm too young to be a mom. He might've tried to make it work. Daddy was always stubborn. Never backed down from anything. Even if the end looked bad. I figure you would've looked more like him. You wouldn't have gotten my snow bunny genes. You would've had his thick curly hair and big brown eyes. I imagine you'd be tall. Me and Daddy were both very tall. Daddy was 6'1, and he wasn't even done growin' yet. I'm 5'9, and I'm sure I ain't gettin' any taller. If you were a boy, you would've been a Tyler. A girl, that's harder. I never planned for a girl. Boy would've been easier. But I guess I would've gone with a Selina. Like the Catwoman character. I would've raised you to be like her. Daddy and I were separated too soon. I don't think I'll ever get over it. Daddy was the man for me. He never treated me like shit. He let me be who I wanted. I wasn't ever judged by him. We could talk for hours about the stuff we loved. It was us against the world.

Had I kept you, it'd be complicated. There's a man in my life that's complicated and I wish would work out but I know won't. His name is Matt. I'm sure he'd be good to you had I let you stay. He's gentle, strong, funny. He's also a big smartass. I hate how he acts like he knows everything about me. But at the same time, it's also kinda fun. Smart men always keep me around. There's also a guy named Tommy. I think he'd like you too. He'd show you how to have fun and teach you the drums, all that stuff. He's complicated as well, but he and I are more alike. Wild and fun.

I'm sorry I couldn't let you come here. It was for the best to not let you. You're safer in the sky. If there is a God, I'm sure he sent you to a good family. I might get a tattoo for you soon. Not sure yet. It's still hard to think about you sober, hell even high. I don't know what else to say.

Please forgive me,
Stephanie Marilyn Costa