SYMBOLS

CHAPTER 60

...And the nightmares.

Kathryn Janeway walked the long corridor in the family quarters of the priory. It was empty. She walked alone, glancing at all the doors and the paintings on the wall. It was so quiet. Everyone else was outside waiting for Zeron to scrutinize the mark on their shoulder blade. Stopping outside Tayna's bedroom, she slowly inched the door open to peer around it, before she opened the door a bit wider and walked inside. First she gazed up at the ceiling, then the small window and bare white walls. Then she stared at the two beds that had been pushed aside, the lanterns, the strewn planks of wood, and at Kylani's blanket that hung down over the side of one bed and touched the floor.

She didn't look down because, instinctively, she knew what was there.

Lifting the blanket out of the bright red pool of blood, she held it to her chest, allowing the red stain to smudge onto her cream dress. Finally she bent down and wrapped the child up in the blanket, lifting her out of the hole in the floor. She kept her focus on Tayna's pale legs and her unmoving chest. She didn't look at her face while she sat down on the edge of the bed with the little girl cocooned in the blanket.

Chakotay was right. Anawa wasn't a safe place to raise a child. This was her fault. If she hadn't been so stubborn, Tayna would still be alive. She uncovered the child's pale, blood smeared face. The disrupter shot had gone right through her head from the front to the back. She would have died instantly. Died alone.

Yet even in her dream state, her Captain facade emerged dominant - the role that came almost automatically to her these days, developed through six years of fine-tuning. Captain Janeway felt sad but she didn't cry. Instead, she reflected on her failed mission as she gently closed Tayna's eyelids and brushed a few strands of the child's hair away from her light gray face. She started to run over a few words in her head, searching for something significant to say to her crew. Many of them would grieve for the little girl. They would need to hear some words of comfort from her.

Somewhere in the background, she could hear the oft-buried Kathryn crying quietly. Tears came more easily for her. With her lips pressed to the child's forehead and her body shaking ferociously, Kathryn wept for Tayna and for what might have been, feeling the loss as if she was her own child.

As Janeway awoke from her dream state, she could hear the echo of her own voice calling out Tayna's name. She opened her eyes and wondered if anyone else had heard her cries. There were times Voyager's walls seemed paper thin.

Staring up at the ceiling in her quarters, she registered it was just a bad dream. She was so tired, but found her subconscious working overtime as she struggled to get back to sleep. Glancing intermittently at the chronometer, as the hours dragged on and she leaned against the headboard of her bed, she realized she hadn't had a night like this in ages, not since the time that alien invaded their dreams. With three hours until the beginning of alpha shift, she closed her eyes and tried to get comfortable, eventually drifting back to sleep.

"What about their freedom...?" High Councilor Zeron paused. "For your life?"

Janeway looked over at the little band of captives.

Chakotay and Paris both shook their heads.

"How do I know you'll keep your end of the bargain?" she asked.

"You have my word," Zeron replied.

She heard herself say yes and Zeron lifted his disrupter. Janeway glanced at the weapon that was aimed at her. It was so close. She waited for Zeron to fire, anticipating the brilliant burst of fluorescent orange light, but it didn't happen. Instead, she witnessed what had been her main concern on Anawa, as she saw Zeron turn sideways and shoot Tayna.

The little girl crumpled with the force of the blast. She didn't move as Zeron walked over to her, picked her up by one arm and one leg and tossed her body high up over his head onto the stack of dead Dimar colonists.

Janeway hurriedly scaled the pile of bodies, searching the top for the child, calling out Tayna's name in case she was injured, but still alive.

Zeron climbed the stack not far behind her.

Then she began to sink. She could feel her legs disappearing into the pile, as if she was standing on quicksand. It felt like all the bodies were crushing her, while she slid up to her chest. She hadn't found Tayna. She couldn't move and couldn't breathe. Managing only a weak gasp, she tried to call out for help, while at the same time she looked up and saw Zeron. He hovered directly above her head. Lifting his weapon, he set his target. At that moment, she knew she was going to die. Finally, Zeron fired the disrupter.

"Lights!" Janeway called out, breathless and hyper-vigilant. Her eyes shot open and she just about jumped out of her skin, stifling the curse word that half escaped her lips, as she stared up wide-eyed at the Doctor. "First thing in the morning, I get the access code on my quarters changed. What the hell are you doing here?"

He hovered above her bed, medical tricorder in hand.

"I had two separate reports of screams coming from your quarters. The computer said you were alone. I thought I should make a house call. I did try to wake you."

The Doctor continued with his medical examination.

"I've got Ensign Kim spending the night in sickbay, self-admitted. It seems every time he closes his eyes, he dreams everyone on the bridge dies point blank by sonic disrupter, while he stands around in the background and does nothing. Lieutenant Paris is down there too. B'Elanna found him sleepwalking in engineering. Rumor has it, she had to coax him down from a ladder between the upper and lower decks. Apparently, he thought he was scaling a mountain. He didn't wake up until he dreamed Tayna slipped from his back and fell to her death. Needless to say, he was slightly traumatized by the experience. So what were you dreaming about? Your cortisol levels are up and I'm getting some really interesting biofeedback readings. Do I need to relocate you for observation too?"

Briefly, Janeway closed her eyes, trying to block out the images that were still floating around in her head. She took a deep breath before she sat up.

"If you're finished here, I think I might get up and make a start on the day. I'll be fine," she said. "I'll have a chat with Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim a bit later, when they've caught up on some sleep. Give them a chance to talk it out."

"And who's going to debrief the Captain? You need to talk to someone."

"Doctor, we did what we set out to do. If we're all a little traumatized for the experience, Zeron can take the credit for that. He found what he thought was a weakness in humanity - too bad it turned out to be a strength. Still, he used it to his advantage. We do try to find non-violent solutions to our problems, we cherish life and we look at children as the hope for our future. In upholding these values, we opened our hearts to the possibility of getting hurt." She stopped speaking and stared down at the floor for a moment, absorbing her own words. "I can live with a few nightmares. It was worth it. I just hope she has a long, wonderful life. The only hard part is not knowing. What is she doing? Where's she sleeping? Is she afraid? Is she still alive? Did we do the right thing?" She dragged her hands through her hair and shook her head as if she was trying to shake off all her concerns about Tayna.

She needed some time alone. He could see that.

"Two days off, you promised," the Doctor reminded her as he exited her quarters.