To New Beginnings.

Fearful memories

                      Tyler's P.O.V

Never did I think that I can stand seeing anyone have an attack without thinking of her Rosie, but today all I thought of was Hazel.
During that moment that seemed like it lasted hours, my mind wasn't occupied with anything or anyone but her, Hazel.
The way she tried to look strong to avoid conflict with me. The way her eyes held sorrow and defeat yet with a blink of an eye she ghosts it and locks that side in, only for herself to see. The way she cried, her voice shallow and broken as she gasped for air.
The way her heart had beaten twice as mine as I got closer to her.
What made me think twice this much was the fact that she trusted me with her attack this time accepting my presence reminding myself of what she mentioned last encounter about her attacks.

" I said this before ,but I'll say it again if I have to. I have doubts and I'll doubt anything especially at my weakest states which are my attacks. When I have them I can nearly breath and it would be harder on me to trust any one. I did trust you Tyler but I didn't trust you with my attack. I was afraid you'd judge me. I didn't want you to see my weak side, the side that I hated most about myself. I don't know why ,but what I do know Tyler is that I do trust you. "

As painful it was to see her in that situation I couldn't stop thinking of how she accepted me, but yet again it was for a split second that she did.

" If I were to give in and accept it I would, but knowing that it'll break us more. I step back. "

" . . Trying can't hurt us. "

" Trust me, it already did. " She chuckled sounding hurt.

" Both of us are hurt Hazel, but can't you see I'm trying. "

" Two broken souls can never fix each other Tyler, they can only destroy what's left within them and I'm not ready to destroy what you have left. "

I wanted to spit it out at her, but I had no right to, to use it against her.

Both of us are broken but how could she be when she's still with him, when she's capable of talking to him.
All I wanted is to yell out that I wasn't the only one that used somebody in this situation, not saying I used anyone, but the fact that she thought I used her to get over Rosie, yet all she did was the same.

This whole time I felt guilty for what she assumed me of doing ,using her as a replacement, only she did the same, but again she still has him whereas I don't have her, Rosie.

Thinking of what she said, I realized that she was right, both of us are broken not able to fix ourselves so how are we to fix eachother.
Although, she wasn't completely broken, she believed she was and makes people believe she is ,but she is  perfect.

Only did she forget that we were haunted by the ghosts that we hold onto afraid we'll lose ourselves if we let them go, but we already have lost ourselves to our past.

I don't know what it is that Hazel holds onto so  fiercely but I only know that it hurt her deeply for her to let go of everyone surrounding her.

Apart from her anxiety she has doubts in everyone. I could see it in her eyes. When she tries to let go and accept her life for what it is.
The way she could laugh with us but then a minute later she's staring into the blue deeply. then a split second later her eyes glimmer and she holds herself back in deeper than she has before.