To New Beginnings.

Hidden

Hazels P.O.V
I cried enough for me to realize that it maybe feels like I'm losing myself in the expense of saving everyone else though what I didn't realize was that I was
losing everyone else in the expense of saving myself. .

I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know how to act and I simply don't know if the way I took it was the right way.
Should I not have tried more with mum?
Should I forgiven Val?
Should I reached out to Aaron?
Though If I asked myself that I knew that most of my decisions were false yet in my own way at times seem right doesn't that mean enough?
That my mind can take me places, answer questions and act actions that I can't tolerate at times.
I've never hated myself before, but now, I do deeply.
I hate myself for turning against them and not giving them a reasonable excuse, I hate myself for not showing mum more love that I could've shown but instead blamed her for the way she is. She maybe despised me but knowing what I read today only made me see how similar me and mum are. Her mind seemed like my own, her thoughts haunted her the way mine do, and her actions are played by her mind that she seemingly couldn't control.
She had it too, anxiety, depression and it frightened me knowing I couldn't help her the way she couldn't help me.
We were exactly similar.

What I hate most is that I always expect from people to understand what it meant to have it, to feel anxious to go through the endless thoughts that take you to thinking unrealistic things yet I couldn't do that to her, to mom.

" Hazel? " Melanie knocked on my side of the window.
Wiping my tears I opened the door and walked out.
Melanie already began to tear up with me as she engulfed me in a hug which we both cried through.
All through yesterday she respected me to give me the time I needed with the news. Truth be told, they all did, respectfully they gave me the space to take it in and showed me that they trusted me enough with the time I needed and knew that I'd accept them once I needed them. They knew I was hurting and it was evident that they were hurting for me as well, yet couldn't and tried not to show that they empathized me for the passing of mom.
Melanie being Melanie couldn't hide the fact that she felt bad for what I was going through and it only melted my heart knowing she cared enough to cry for me, and the pain that I'm going through.

" I'm sorry, I j-just can't imagine how hard it's been on you. "

" H-hey it's okay. " I wiped my tears pulling out a smile which she lightly chuckled to the fact that I tried to pull that off.

" Do you want to talk about it? "

" Which part? " I smiled we sat on the bench by the backyard.

" Everything, anything, whatever you want to talk about. "

" I feel bad. I feel bad for all of this, and somehow it just feels like it's my fault. "

" I'm not coming from the side of being your best friend but from the side that is going to act like I don't know you and just say that you have nothing to do with it. "

" I just feel like, I'm . . I'm losing everyone. "

" I've certainly lost mom, dads barely there, I'm still blocking out my twin, Aaron wants nothing to do with me, Alec hates me and Tyler blocked me out for good. "

" That's the thing Hazel, that's what happens when you lose someone or something. You realize how important all the other things are and fear that you might lose them as well. You haven't lost anyone yet you can find your way into forgiving them or them forgiving you for all it matters if you cared enough to think that you're losing them then only meant that you fear to stay without them. "