To New Beginnings.

Losing myself

                         Hazels P.O.V

It's funny how I mentioned that yesterday was the only time where I felt like I lost control, but little did I realize that all along I've lost control in everything but still tried to believe that I haven't.

The thoughts that were endless. The dead end of questions that I had to deal with. The darkness that roamed around me. The reason to my depression that haunted me. The doubts that I simply had in myself as the reason to everyone leaving me.
The way I've managed to hold onto Aarons past that hovered over me these past years where I only thought of how I managed to let him go only was it him that decided to let me go, let us go.
The way I am still trapped into my own darkness of nightmares everyday not being able to feel safe even in my sleep.
The one place I should feel safe but couldn't.

The way to this day I still carry on the weight of not being cared about by my own mother or how my twin managed to let me go.

And here I was thinking that I still haven't lost control.
Control has lost me simply to the depth of my anxiety.

" He left us two years back and ever since we've never been the same. My parents began to fight and everyone blamed themselves, but I took it in the worst. I assumed he left because of how he felt mistreated but it was never that. Were we not enough for him?
I've literally had all these scenarios these past years but this was never one of them. Everyday I would wait for him assuming he'd come back, but I've lost hope in that. That's why I couldn't anymore. Everyone I thought cared about me let go of me so how was I to believe that someone else can. "
I whispered speaking out as Tyler nodded in assurance.

" The day he left, he told me he was leaving ,but I didn't trust him. I assumed it was one of those nights where he'd hang out with his friends then show up the next day, but he never did. Ever since I'd wake up late at nights to see through my window hoping he'd show up and ask me to open the door for him, but he never did. Dad and mom had fights but we never knew what they were about- "

" We?? " Tyler asked interrupting me as my eyes began to water.

" My sister, my twin sister. " I answered tears streaming down my face.

" Did she know? "

A hurtful chuckle left my lips.
" She cut me off the day I came here and ever since I haven't tried so, I don't know if she knows or not. She cut me off once I came here. The day I went with you guys at the mall. She was the one who called me to let me know that since our family was tearing apart we should as well. "

" I hated her, I hated him, dad. I hated him for doing this to us, to our family after so long of building after Aaron left ,but dad simply couldn't take it. Those days were the worst. Nights wouldn't pass by with me crying myself to sleep and calling Val to be blocked out. That's simply why I couldn't trust anyone once I met you guys. I was losing everything and everyone I ever cared of and knowing my sister didn't care to cut me off. Who were you guys to let me in and never let me go? "
By the end of my story I was hysterically sobbing shaking in his arms as he calmed me down with the simplest words yet the perfect words to make me relax.

" I'm not perfect, never will be, but I promise once I let you in you'll never walk out. " He promised leaving a kiss on the top of my head as he helped me stand up and walk to his car to leave.

" I'm not perfect either Ty. It's just- it still seems hard to let people in again. " I spoke as he turned off the engine after a long moment of silence throughout the ride and from the moment I spoke up.

" No one is. " He claimed and left in a heartbeat leaving me standing by his car dumbfounded on what I just did.

Why is it that I've let the past ruin my life all along?
Why is it that I let the people that let go of me ruin the people that are holding tightly to keep me?
Life simply isn't fair.