"Dear Cas," Castiel took a deep breath, as he began pulling the page completely open.
"I guess, a while back, you said I was going to die. I think it's going to be soon. But... I think I'm okay with it." His heart collapsed with those words, and his hands began shaking.
"Especially now, as I'm writing this, and you're laying asleep beside me, I know that its going to be okay. I mean, I've lived a good life. Sure, shit has happened to me, but all in all, it could've been so much worse. After all, I have my brother, several friends, and I've got you.
"I'm okay with dying, but I don't want to say goodbye, and I don't want to leave Bobby and Ellen and Jo. They took Sam and I in. They're our family. All of these people, and more, mean something to me. But you're the only one that gets a letter." He felt a tear flicker across his flushed cheeks, and he reached up and swatted it away hastily.
"Firstly, Cas, I want to tell you how beautiful you are, because I really see you. You have the best eyes. They're the bluest most intemse eyes ever. They have shadows underneath, but that just makes you look more distinguished. And your lips, I could go on and on about. Amongst, they say the most important words. They say, "I love you." Yes, Castiel, I heard you. I always hear you. Its hard not to." Castiel's voice cracked and he called out the words loudly to the echoing emptiness of his lonesome apartment.
"Your hair is always crazy, but it makes you look wise, somehow. And you always look ready to listen to anything, and when you do, you appear as though what's being told to you is the most important thing you've ever heard. Your sincerity is another way you are beautiful, but thats a story for another day." But Dean is all out of days, and it isn't fair.
"Now that that is out of the way (and you will hopefully think better of yourself now, as I see the way you look at yourself in the mirror) I'll tell you about me. You know some things, but I'm relatively quiet about myself, especially my past.
"I lived in Lawrence, Kansas for the first four years of my life. And it was great, what little of it I remember, that is. It was just my mom, dad, Sammy, and I, and we all lived in a large two story house out on Perkins Street. I was best friends with the little girl who lived next door. I've long since forgotten her name. When I was four, on my brother's six-month birthday, there was a house fire. My dad told me to take my brother outside as fast as I could, so I took Sam and ran, and I've been taking care of him ever since." Castiel sniffed sadly, his whole body quaking with raw, painful emotion.
"My mom passed away. After that, my dad kind of stopped caring about Sam and me. We didn't have the best life for those few days before the funeral. He had my mom's father organize the funeral, and grandad took us. Dad didn't go, and I think that mom would be ashamed. We moved into a small motel room in Lebanon for maybe a week before Dad started moving us everywhere in the lower 48.
"When Sam was six, I guess you could say Bobby and Ellen saved us. Ellen is my mom's sister, and after grandad's heart attack, she stepped in. Somehow, she talked my dad into signing us over to her and Bobby. They raised us as their own, right alongside Jo in Cupertino, California. It was good for us, even though we haven't talked to or seen dad since then." They had been so very close, then. Just a few towns away. Castiel grew up in Saratoga and lived there until college. This fact made him frown even more, and his heart felt as if it would give out.
"But, on my seventeenth birthday, the Impala was sat in the driveway with a paper held down by the windshield wipers. It was, obviously, from my father to me. On the inside it said several things, but the one that stuck out was the one that said he was proud of me. I wonder how proud he would be of me now. Being with you. Laying here meditating on your soft snores. I like toc think he would be proud, because, while I know I shouldn't. I still care about what he thinks." Castiel blushed, but still sobbed as he read the letter.
"I dropped out of college half a year into it, around the time I actually met Lisa. Lisa was even prettier then than she is now. Which is a tough thing to beat. Not only was she good looking, she was smart and funny and kind and honestly wanted to help me." Castiel's heart lurched unhappily at the mention of Lisa's clearly evident beauty.
"(If you can believe it, I was even more of a sarcastic dick then than I am now.)" Castiel actually laughed, surprised that he could, in fact, believe it.
"Truth is, I didn't deserve Lisa, much like I don't deserve you. I knew that, and ran away, and that is why I really dropped out.
"I wish I knew you back then, in university, I mean. I bet you were in med school, yeah? Studying hard, like a good little doctor. Probably somewhere good. A nice school. Someplace like Harvard or Washington University." Dean had been right, it was Harvard.
"I don't know where, but they did a great job." Castiel smiled softly once again.
"I got a job with Bobby, and maybe five years later, by some odd stroke of luck, Lisa needed her car worked on. We ran into each other, went on a few dates, and then she told me about Ben. That kid is really a great little dude, not mine, just so you know. She and I dated off and on for a couple years, and at the time you and I met, we were on. That didn't last very long after I met you, though. Don't feel bad or anything though, Cas, according to Sam, she's got herself a boyfriend. I'm happy for her." That was good, as Castiel's conscious was kind of a dick and he had been guilty about possibly having taken Dean away from her.
"The sky is starting to turn light purple. Everything is waking up outside, now, but in here... you're tucked up against my body. And you're asleep, but you're smiling. And you don't know how adorable it is. But I wish you did, because that smile is the same one that makes these butterflies in my stomach flit around and feel more like bats." Cas felt his lips pull up on impulse again, and he wiped away his tears before continuing.
"Castiel, I'm glad I got in that accident. I really am. Because if I hadn't crashed, I wouldn't have met you. And I wouldn't be in love. And a world without you isn't a world I want to be in. I'm sorry it took so long to get around to, but... I love you, Dr. Castiel Novak, and I will never stop." Castiel's world dropped. He screamed in agony and pain, releasing every terrible thought. His heart beat frantically and he couldn't calm down. He shook his head as tears began to gradually drip onto the paper streaking salty lines across Dean's wonderful handwriting.
"~ Dean W." As if Castiel could ever forget.
Author's Note:
That... was... terrible... the heart pains I'm having are rEAL.
I'm just going to leave this here, so feel free to feel with me.
Love you dudes.
Byee
<3 Ash
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John Doe
FanfictionDean Winchester isn't much. He's a high school dropout who shares his home with his younger brother, Sam - and Sam's girlfriend - and who works at a scrap yard with his uncle. His routine is fairly normal. Get up, argue with Sam, go to work, come ho...
