John Doe

Chapter Thirty

Castiel wandered over to the side of the road, avoiding the Impala as well as he could. Lisa smiled softly at Castiel, and she sat on the curb next to him. "How are you Castiel?" She asked carefully. Her tone simple and quiet.

"I'm... I don't really know how I am." He answered honestly, voice sounding almost raw.

"It's because of Dean, isn't it?" She murmured. Castiel nodded. "He had given up, Cas." Castiel felt himself involuntarily flinch at the nickname. Lisa sighed, "You can't fix what's already gone."

"But I wanted to. I wanted to at least be there. I wanted him to know...." Cas trailed off, wiping away a tear.

"You wanted him to know you loved him." She finished. Castiel hesitated a moment before nodding. She sighed once more, and tipped up her face to look up at the clouds sailing across the blue ocean of sky. "I think he did."

Castiel looked sideways at her. "I hope he did." She nodded silently.

He rubbed his eyes and looked down at his hands that were clasped in his lap. "How are you?" He asked after a minute.

"I think that I'm altight. Ben is... taking it really hard." She said.

"Anything I can do to help?" Castiel inquired. Lisa smiled bitterly.

"I don't think so. I mean, Dean was the closest thing to a father he had. He'll just have to get used to him not being here." She shrugged. Castiel set his hand on her shoulder.

"We all will," He answered.

She agreed quickly, without hesitation, saying, "Yes, we will. He's had such a big impact on everyone. He's just always been there. It's going to be hard. And... I wasn't even his. He didn't love me." She looked over at Cas. "Not like he loved you. It's gonna be so hard for us. But we can do it."

Castiel shook his head 'yes' in response, chuckling dejectely. "We don't really have another choice, do we?"

Lisa laughed with him darkly, "I guess not." They fell quiet again, and Lisa took his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I miss him."

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek, "Yeah... so do I."

What a pair the two of them were. Holding hands, both of them crying soundlessly, faces tilted towards the cool sunlight. Not even friends, just people who had a recently departed boyfriend in common.

~~~~

A preacher stood to the left of the large cemetery plot that two men were lowering Dean into. He talked on and on about Heaven, and angels, and God's word. Castiel found it odd that a man who knew nothing about Dean Winchester was absolutely certain that he would get into Heaven. He acted as though he knew everything about Dean.

Castiel's eyes followed the men's actions as they began to recover the opening with soil. The preacher closed the bible he had been holding, and said, "Let us pray." Everyone bowed their heads, eyes closing on cue. Except Castiel. As the prayer began, he took a slow step back, and retreated silently.

He pulled out his cellphone, and dialed Balthazar's number. "Hi, Uncle Cassie." A small voice said playfully into the phone. It was Rachel, Balthazar's daughter. Castiel's god daughter.

"Hello, Rachel." He said back to her, somehow smiling as he listened to her giggles on the other side. He had always wanted a daughter, and Dean had liked talking about what they'd name their daughter if they got married. That was Dean's favorite topic, actually. Marriage. Marrying Castiel, to be exact. It seems that even though they only knew each other for a month and a half, they were both infatuated with the other. And really, was that such a bad thing?

"Papa said you're sad." Came the lilted response. 'Can you give papa the phone?' Castiel heard Balthazar ask in the background. There was a slight scuffling before Balthazar's voice filled the speaker.

"Hey, Castiel. You alright?" He murmured into the phone.

"I'm not sure."

"Well what's wrong?"

"It was an open casket."

There was a beat of silence. Before Cas heard keys jingle and a door open.

"Where are you?" Balthazar wondered, slamming a car door shut. Amazing what you can hear over the phone.

Castiel looked up from where he'd been walking to find himself in front of a used car dealership. He searched the sign. "Hubert's Automatic." He answered.

"The car place?"

"I left the cemetery."

"Evidently. I just passed the Dairy Queen, give me a few minutes."

"Okay," he said and closed his phone, pushing it into his pocket.

~~~~

Stephen handed Castiel a mug of coffee, which Balthazar had said was sure to lift anyone's spirit. Steve wasn't too sure about that, but he fixed the beverage nonetheless. Hester was bouncing up and down on Castiel's lap, telling him anything and everything while Rachel sat on the floor cuddling her pet cat. She was frowning, and Castiel looked at her, wondering what was wrong with the normally over-enthusiastic child.

Cas, Balthazar, and Stephen talked in quiet voices about things. Things that made them shush Hester and tell her they were talking about grown up things. Eventually, Hester went to bed and Stephen went to tuck her in. Balthazar ran to the restroom, before taking Cas home, leaving Castiel and Rachel in the living room.

"Uncle Cas," she said sweetly. Castiel jumped slightly at the name, before kneeling down in front of her.

"Yes, Rachel?" He murmured.

"Who died?" She asked.

Castiel's mouth opened slowly, and then closed. He licked his lips and looked away from her wide innocent eyes. "My... friend."

"Your boyfriend?" She questioned, tilting her head quizzically, imitating what she'd seen Castiel do several times.

"You could say that." He answered, considering the word that for some reason sat thickly in the air.

"I'm sorry." She whimpered, throwing her small arms around Castiel's trembling shoulders. He hadn't realized the tears that had started dripping down his cheeks. He held Rachel to him tightly, and he let himself cry.