The man with the gloves [bucky barnes ff]

31

DISCLAIMER: this will be a very short chapter, I intended to include this in chapter 30 but I try to avoid switching POV's within chapters as much as possible!

Bucky's POV

"What the hell was that about?" Sam closes the door behind him and follows me to the kitchen. My head is pounding and I need some liquor, some strong liquor so that I can get drunk even if it's only for a few hours. "'I have a girlfriend'", he imitates me. "Are you seeing ghosts now because I know you sure as hell do not have a girlfriend."

"I needed her to know that there would never be anything serious between us."

"Oh, and speaking the truth and telling her that you're just not ready for a relationship wasn't an option?"

"I needed her to hate me, Sam." Otherwise she'd always think that things might be possible.

"Judging from her expression she hates herself now instead of you." He murmurs.

"She'll be fine."

"She'll be fine?"

"I saw her talking to this guy from her college the other day, he'll comfort her." Just thinking about that makes me want to throw up but I try to keep a straight face so Sam doesn't suspect a thing. I saw Adrian come over the other day.

"Sorry, my bad. I didn't know you weren't allowed to be friends with the opposite gender without feelings being involved."

"Stop the sarcasm." I'm really not in the mood for this bullshit. I gulp down the strong liquor and pour in another glass, not even bothering to offer one to him. "They kissed once. She told me that she wasn't sure how she felt about him but I guess she has it figured out by now if he's coming over to pick her up."

"Bucky, I swear to god, if this is some cheap attempt to hurt her or something you're doing out of jealousy, I'll-"

"I would never hurt her." I interrupt him.

"Too late for that."

"I'm done talking."

"I bet you are. Why would you even kiss her if you knew that you'd have to turn her down eventually?"

"I didn't do it intentionally."

"How can you kiss someone unintentionally?"

"It was... I don't know, it just happened." My body reacted to the kiss quicker than my mind could because I've been longing for the kiss since I've known her. But I can't say that to Sam.

"Congrats, brother. Not only did you push away the only good thing that happened to you in months by hurting the girl you like, no, you're back to your self sabotaging self because that's what you do. Whenever someone is getting too close you freak out."

"Then I guess I am a coward!" I yell.

"I guess you fucking are!"

"But at least she won't be going down with me and that's all I care about."

"You're right. She'll rather cry at the shore." He grabs his car keys from the table and heads towards the door. "Your self hatred persona will get you killed if you don't do something about it."

"Don't threaten me with a good time."

"What was your therapists name again? Because she's doing a lousy job." He ironically asks before walking out the door, slamming it shut behind him, leaving me alone. Alone. Like it always should've been. Because what was I even thinking? Fuck, did I really think that it'd be possible for me to be in a relationship with someone like Isla? Did some delusional unconscious part of me really believe that I'd be good enough for her, that I deserve her?

This is how things should be. Me drinking straight vodka out of the bottle, in my cheap, plain apartment, alone and knowing that everyone who I care about hates me. It's what I deserve.