A Reason for Being

17. Love In The Dark

"Why is it always so cold in the morning" she huffs. The white smoke of her cold breath hits her red nose and rosy cheeks.

"Well, it's autumn, Y/N."

She rolls her eyes at her friend, the two of them, walking to the nearest coffee shop from where they are staying, a few blocks away.

"Why is the coffee shop so far too? This is ridiculous."

Y/N has spent a lot of her past in NYC. She visits so often, she has a small loft in Manhattan for situations likes these. It was the first place she thought of. The overly crowded city is a massive migraine, but in a way, she could blend in. Forget.

The proximity to the coffee shop from her flat has stayed the same over the years. So has a blistering cold. But for some reason, on this trip, everything seems more unbearable for her.

The warm weather as she walked to the coffee shop every morning, the regular faces she saw every day, like Mateo and Tadashi. It was her routine for such a long time. She admits she misses it. Misses home.

Yachi's curiosity has filled this past month with the museum and tourist adventures. Walking through times square as a tourist blinded by the lights was a change of scenery for Y/N. She enjoyed seeing things from Yachi's perspective.

At first, Yachi was oblivious to the situation, sincerely thinking they were here for a business trip. But Y/N's emails, her schedule, nothing ever spoke about the said trip. As her assistant, she would have known about it before the day of leaving. "What's on the schedule for today, Y/N?" Yachi would ask, and every time the answer would be the same. "Anything you want, Yachi."

"But what about work? Meetings? Deadlines?"

"Who cares. We are on vacation, Yachi. It can wait."

Y/N didn't jump ship entirely, having the occasional video conference. But the great thing about being her own boss is that no one would force her to return to work. Well, all except Yachi.

The mornings were a dream for Yachi, never having been to New York, grateful for the opportunity, trying to savor all the moments here. But at night, it was all the same. She could feel the loneliness coming from her friend. Y/N was great at suppressing her emotions but during the day. But at night, as the darkness fell, it was almost painful for Yachi to see her friend trying to hold in all the pain she felt.

Y/N would wait until Yachi was asleep, or she thought she was, and she would walk over to the fire escape and sit there, staring into the city lights.

City gazing brought her peace in the past. Looking at all the people out there, so far away from her. All the twinkling lights in the distance brightening up the night sky. But as she stares out into the blinding abyss, all she feels is lost.

Y/N's insomnia would cause her to stay out there for the entire night, staring into the stars until the first light would come through the horizon.

"Come inside, Y/N, you'll catch a cold," Yachi whispered to her as dawn was fading away, shinning the new day in front of her.

"I must have spaced off," Y/N replies as Yachi steps outside with her, joining her inside her large blanket.

"Y/N, when are you planning on going back home? These virtual meetings are great and all, but the deadline is coming soon, and I know you'd like to be there during launch."

"Not yet, Yachi. I'm not ready to go home yet."

"It's okay, you know," Yachi whispers, staring out into the horizon, "If you're scared. I'm scared all the time too. But you know what makes me feel better? Remembring that I am not alone."

During the sleepless nights, Y/N has tried to figure out what she was feeling. The pit in her stomach. Trying to figure out all the possibilities to fix her feelings. All she wanted was to feel like she did before. Unemotional and nothing.

She is already embarrassed she ran away as she did, such a cowardly move. Going back home, finding a new place to live. She seriously considered it, but it would only bring her shame thinking about being so weak.

The obvious solution, in her mind, is going back and pretending as if nothing happened. If she would run into her neighbor, tear the band-aid quickly, "You were just a random hook up. Let us leave it at that and move on." She practiced her speech.

The one thing that has kept Y/N from following through with her plan was the person in question, Tooru. Catching a glimpse of his eyes would be unavoidable. She wondered if they would look hurt, or angry, or maybe nothing at all.

An angry reaction would be ideal for Y/N. Being called a bitch, she imagined that he would say those words to her. Neighbors she doesn't speak to is nothing new to her. The awkward elevator rides she would have to endure is something she could handle. Even the snarky remarks and the rude comments, all of that, she can deal with.

But what if he wasn't angry at her. What if his chocolate eyes shined at her with forgiveness? What if after she told him everything, he smiled at her? Whispering to her, like the night he held her in his arms, the sweet melody of his voice. Thinking about him walking up to her, grabbing her, and never letting go, brought chills to her body.

Lastly, what if she walked up to him, and he said, "You mean nothing to me."

All three scenarios kept her up at night. She was unsure of which one would be the one to make her heart feel better.

"I'm sorry I kept you up all night," Y/N whispered to Yachi, who was resting on her shoulder. The two of them stayed out all night until the sun rays warmed their cold skin. "It's fine, Y/N. I am here for you." Yachi knew there was nothing she could say to her friend. Y/N had to figure out her feelings on her own. But the least she could do is, sit there with her, reminding her she did not have to face everything on her own.

"Well, today, can we just sleep all day?" Y/N asked her sleepy friend. "And then tomorrow, we'll go home."

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Airport traffic is something Yachi will never get used to.

"Just stand behind me," Y/N states, guiding them through the traffic. All while Yachi followed closely behind her, gripping on to Y/N's elbow like a child trying not to lose their parents.

Yachi was too busy focusing on not letting go, keeping her eyes closed most for the walk.

"Thank you for boarding flight XX. Please buckle up. Our flight to Japan leaves shortly."

"JAPAN!?" Yachi yells, making all the people on the airplane turn in her direction. "Sorry," she bows at them.

"Y/N!? Why did the speaker say we are going to Japan." She whispers

"You said you wanted to go home, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but not home home. I meant home where we live."

"Relax, Yachi, well get to our final destination eventually. We're just taking a little detour. I'm hungry."

"Okay, I understand that, but why are we going there for food? There are great Japanese restaurants at home." A curious Yachi asked. Her head was still spinning.

"Because, Yachi, the type of meal I want, there is only one place I can get it."

Miya's.